bloodteethandflame

A life in threes

Month: March, 2015

*looks up*

Another emotional weekend.

Another chain of days wherein I am left contemplating the line between being compassionate and being naive.

~~~

And here.  Here is a foolish thing.

This morning while I was out walking my dog, I noticed at least a dozen black vultures perched upon the streetlights lining the parkway that runs along a significant portion of my daily route.  Even though vultures usually don’t roost in my neighborhood very often, I figured that there must have been some fresh roadkill somewhere.  (I didn’t — and I still don’t — want to assume that their presence has any at all to do with the fact that that I’ve also been dreaming of vultures a lot lately.  I comfort myself to think that there has to be some other mundane reason.)

So, as I was walking toward quite a large cluster of them, I realized much to my dismay, that, with the way in which the road was laid out, I was going to have to walk past several streetlights in the row.

And I was going to have to pass beneath quite a number of them where they were perched.

(Yes, I’ll admit that I feared being…hissed at and shat upon.)

As I got closer, I began to walk more briskly, all the while telling myself that I am going to be OK, I’m just passing through…this is not something that I can avoid.  These are just…vultures.  A lot of black vultures.

And looking back on it, you know, I can’t explain why I started to feel anxious, but I did….

and so, next thing I know, I had started running….

And because I was so busy feeling anxious

and not really looking where I was going

I promptly fell hard into a hole that I could not have seen

and I twisted my ankle.

I laid there for a good minute or two, feeling mortified, embarrassed and hurting.

Upon looking up, I see them – three vultures — calmly looking down at me, from their perches atop the streetlight.

They did not move.  They did not hiss.  And they did not shit on me.

They just looked at me.

jpt8574-ps

(They were just like this – except for looking downward. I didn’t take this picture. ^Phil Thach did.)

blackvulturestreetlight

Evidently, black vultures like to perch on street lights

blackvulturetea

…and eat ‘horrible things for tea.’

(I guess that ‘ and eat roadkill when necessary’ doesn’t have the same ring to it, though it has the same amount of syllables.)

Not making fun.  Just trying to adapt.

~~~

Mr. L is wondering why I am avoiding again.

Asking why I am struggling to embrace my spirit animal.

 

Because, sometimes…vultures frighten me.

*sigh*

 

 

 

 

 

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Amazed.

~~~

Thank You, my Beloved.

For everything

Today and Always

*sigh*

I wish that there was a way to keep someone’s ex-girlfriend from moving to Florida at the end of this month.

She contacted me claiming that

she wanted to apologize for all the drama that she caused in my life and in the life of my kids

but couldn’t I just let bygones be bygones

because she could really use a friend

and she really could use some help

because she’d like to move to Florida to make a fresh start

 

but she can’t do it without someone helping her

So….please?

 

And I almost relented – because she wheedled and cajoled and gods know I can relate to how loud your brain weasels get when you can’t get the meds that you need

and I thought that I might

just maybe

want to show a little compassion*

for someone who is obviously struggling

just in case

she really was trying to make an effort to be sane

(and gods don’t I know about that too)

BUT….

Then I came to my senses

And I suddenly felt the overwhelming need to say:

Nope.  

I can’t.  

It’s too much.

 

(And Loki as my witness, It. Was. Too. Much.  SRSLY.)

 

(So much for Tonglen, eh?)

 

Anyway.

 

So.

Now.

If only someone else would come to their senses and realize that what she is asking for in terms of ‘help’

 

seems

 

obsessive

 

 

disturbing

 

 

and altogether

 

an unhealthy amount

of

Too Much.

 

Boundaries?

 

Oh look…there they are!   Am I the only one that sees them?  Am I the only one that has them?

 

(I hope that he realizes what he is doing before it is too late.)

 

But mostly…

 

I wish that there was a way to keep someone’s ex-girlfriend from moving to Florida at the end of this month.

~~~

*

 

 

 

630c6802f3eaf4bb8e6d5c29db8c3fb5

dalailama

painprinciple

 

(Not so) Subtle

This past week has been a rollercoaster of emotions.

And no, I don’t like it that way, and thus, I continue to work on developing more effective coping skills.

As well, I am reminded that it is not selfish to take care of myself when necessary.

But I will get there.

And when I am surfing the web, and I come across pieces like this

http://www.rebellesociety.com/2015/01/09/bring-your-all-to-me/

 

And I am reminded that I am loved, and that there is no shame in asking for help.

 

I am grateful.