Recently, I came to the conclusion that if I was going to keep blogging in this blog, I might as well make things official by – I dunno – purchasing myself a site name.
So I did.
And in preparation for that, I was moving files from one site to another, and I found myself reading over some old entries from July 2013 concerning some thoughts on polyamory and relationships. And it strikes me as odd, perhaps even funny-odd, that I wrote a post in July 2013 on this very topic (polyamory and relationships) – almost 2 years to this day.
Here is the portion that I am referring to, written on July 24 2013:
So, I’ve been pondering a lot over the lessons that I have learned here.
What followed there has been redacted.
Sufficed to say it was a lot of pondering on the importance of feeling valued, being seen, and some musing on the nature of our poly relationships.
There was discussion of love in relationships in terms of arithmetic : feeling diminished by others’ relationships versus feeling that love is expanded by sharing in a poly relationship.
But mostly what V and I talked about was how one particular relationship in his life wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be (his admission), and he may finally be seeing a person for who they really are.
And the question was asked: Can two people ever feel equally valued?
I think so.
And I brought up how I feel it in the Lokean community.
Yes – as it is in any community of people – there can be certain interpersonal issues that abound (such as lack of communication, and jealousy* sometimes rears its ugly head at times) — but in the end, there’s this:
Loki is a God.
And yes, that does mean that there is enough of Him to go around.
To that end, I realize that it is tremendously meaningful to me to find that community wherein I can share my joys and struggles with others who are His.
I am not diminished by the fact that He loves anyone else.
Maybe, it’s hearkening back to the polyamory discussion, but I love that He loves all of us.
I am gratified where-ever and when-ever He finds praise, and if nothing else, I am glad of any amount of love for Him.
Jealousy can create a sense of feeling diminished, and some of the hardest shadow-work that I’ve ever had to do has to do with working through my feelings of jealousy.
Yes, even though I am polyamorous, I will admit that I have experienced feelings of jealousy at one point or another in every single one of my relationships with other human beings.
I have felt anger, pain, and fear in the process of my relationships, and boy howdy, don’t you know that He surely noticed that:
And so, I pray to let go of my anger, and open to trust.
I pray to let go of my pain, and open to joy.
And I pray to let go of my fears, and open to love.
I repeat this prayer consistently.
I need to.
Perhaps I will not make it through this month for Loki writing brilliant posts that are liked by others every day, but I will do my best to show who I really am and that is someone who loves and trusts Loki to be what and Who He is.
And I realize, almost two years to the day that
His love for others does not diminish His love for me.
The roles that He seeks in others does not diminish my role to Him.
Other’s devotion to Him cannot diminish my devotion to Him.
If devotion is done out of love – and I would hope that it would be – love can only be multiplied rather than diminished.
**But, you know this post isn’t supposed to be how incredibly patient, loving and yet relentless He was in pointing out every.single.instance of my own hypocrisy/self-denial to me, through various and often slightly painful means. Let’s just say, I got through that process with most of my sanity and the better part of my sense of self intact. There’s a reason that one of the heiti with which I hail Him is ‘Relentless One’ ❤