bloodteethandflame

A life in threes

Category: Beloved

Pandoramancy: Three.

Today is my Loki-versary.

Today marks three years since I made things official – three years since I made vows in front of witnesses and the like.

And yet since this past December – coming upon a little over two months now – my work regarding other things, as well as my working with Another has required Himself to step back a bit.

But I want to mark this day, and give Him some well deserved love and praise.

Hail Loki ❤

Post-ritual pandoramancy

This is a perfect example of pandoramancy.

I had never heard of this song before – and yet it was suggested on my recommended play list on YouTube – and because I’d left my playlist on autoplay, it played through without my having chosen it early yesterday morning.

But  it conveys certain aspects of my feelings quite well.

TomGrasso

Month For Loki, Day 13: Lover.

fridakahlolovequote

You deserve a lover

who wants you disheveled,

with everything

and all the reasons that wake you up in a haste

and the demons that won’t let you sleep.

You deserve a lover who makes you feel safe,

who can consume this world whole

if he walks hand in hand with you;

someone who believes that his embraces

are a perfect match with your skin.

You deserve a lover

who wants to dance with you,

who goes to paradise every time

he looks into your eyes

and never gets tired

of studying your expressions.


You deserve a lover who listens when you sing,

who supports you when you feel shame

and respects your freedom;

who flies with you and isn’t afraid to fall.


You deserve a lover who takes away the lies

and brings you

hope, coffee, and poetry.


*Frida Kahlo*

(shared by Lee Harrington)

Month for Loki, Day 10: Story

I feel like my throat is closing up.

My throat feels raw and it is painful to swallow.  My senses seem dulled as my sinuses are filled with congestion.

Perhaps this is nothing but a chest cold, a head cold.  My head feels as if I am under water, and there is a strange metallic taste in my mouth.  My eyes water and my muscles ache.

Perhaps this is really nothing at all besides my simply being sick.

But I am not telling my story.

I know my task.  I know what stories I have promised to tell and yet I am having trouble speaking of them. I am having trouble writing about them.

I know that He wants me to write of how things changed.

How Loki as the Teacher and the Magician slowly morphed into Loki as the Lover in mid-2013.

You see, my husband of 20 years was having an affair and that knowledge of that fact devastated me.

So Loki came forward, first to comfort, and then to strengthen and empower me in my feelings of brokenness and betrayal.

Ever the Teacher, He sought to show me –through use of Himself as an example – how I should be loved.  Simple as that: He sought to love me and to heal me with a fierce and steadfast tenderness that I continue to marvel over, even to this day.

But I didn’t want His love…in the sense that I felt that I could not possibly deserve it.  I did not believe that I deserved His fierce loyalty, His honeyed promises, His gentle touches.  Instead, I insisted upon a passionate, almost feral connection.

I was angry and avoidant.

I didn’t expect to be understood, much less, did I expect to be loved.

I pushed Him away.

I refused to see; I resisted recognizing Him as anything other than a Being Who could break me and I sought to be broken.

I wanted to experience the height of relationship that I had recently been teaching others about – I wanted to experience a consensual, BDSM-fueled dynamic.

But He refused.

Our ‘scenes’ were passionate, yes, but He refused to cause me any pain.

Though I begged for Him to transform me through pain, He responded:

Why? You have been through enough pain…and yet you have not learned.

So He approached me with care and kindness.  I daresay His behavior was all romance and gentility, and my response was I wanted desperately to shut down:

That is not for me, I wept and I raged, That has never been for me. I don’t believe in that.

And so I hid from Him.

I pushed Him so hard.

I dared Him to grab me by the neck and shame me like an errant puppy.

I waffled between fear and rage.

I was either afraid of Him or I was angry/despairing of Him.

I was insistent: You do not love me.  You cannot love me.  No one can.

But He simply smiled and blinked and continued to present Himself to me, in dreams.

He spread Himself out like water at my feet.

He stroked my face with tender hands.

He bowed down low, head to the ground, and asked me how He could serve.

To be honest, He was a better submissive than I ever could have been, and yet I still argued, how – why – what had I ever done to deserve such devotion, such heartfelt words, such considerate actions?  The acts of His submission were all rooted in my own personal repertoire, and yet He faced me with every single one of them, challenging me to consider Him and to receive Him as I sought to be received in the BDSM dynamic I craved/created with so many others.

Allow Me to care for you as you have cared for others. 

Allow Me. 

Allow Me, He whispered over and over.

submissive-man-kneeling-in-submission-2

He often tried to convince me, cajole me into recognizing Him in the shape-shifting flurry of faces, of former play-partners and past lovers that I’d see in my dreams:

I see you. Do you see Me?

See Me.

Look Me in the face.

See Your Beloved.  I am here before you.

He demanded eye contact.  He accepted no less.

And still, I ran.  I avoided.  I cried.

I would not look Him in the eye.

But He was patient…and He was relentless.

~~~

By 2014, I stopped teaching at BDSM events.

Though I’ve been involved in ‘the scene’ for over 20 years now, I have not attended a BDSM event in two years.

(to be continued…)

Month for Loki, Day 9: Poetry

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]

 

BY E. E. CUMMINGS

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

 

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

 

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

 

Month for Loki, Day 5: Message.

You are worthy.

I cannot make you understand.

But I will keep trying.

This is the connection between love and self-love.

Perhaps you will learn to love yourself in ways that you had not – but I hope that you find your way to me.

You are safe.

There is no need to fear being vulnerable with me.

I approach you without armor.

I see you for what and who you are, and I tell you:

You are worth loving.

You are loved.

I have chosen you. You have always been my choice, and you shall always be.

That’s the kind of loyal I am.

 

 

…and the world shall open up to receive your joy.

I’ve been meaning to post about some lovely things that have been happening in my life.

I’ve been collecting up these bits of joy, and out of a habitual fear of jinxing things, I’ve been keeping these things to myself.

But I am getting the impression that my cautious optimism will no longer do:

“…and the world shall open up to receive your joy.”

~~~

mala

Recently, I ordered this Loki mini- mala from Beth and I received it in the mail the other day.

Since my family and I were hosting guests from out of town the day that package arrived, I put it aside to open later, perhaps the next day.

Well, things got busy, and our guests lingered for a few days.

 

However, my thoughts kept straying to the package.

I’ve never had a mala before, to be honest, I was looking forward to having some time to myself to fully immerse myself in the use of this one.

And finally, almost a week later, I finally got my chance to open the package, hold them and pray with them.

*squeee*

 

This mala is truly a pleasure to work with.

(But then again, I think that could be said about every ‘touch bead’ item that I’ve ever purchased from Beth, as this mala joins a small collection of prayer beads – two of which she has also made – that reside on my Loki altars.)

But this mala has the addition of a black silk tassel that I absolutely love to touch – and the beads!

The beads just slide effortlessly through my fingers.

I am continually impressed with how Beth’s choice of bead (size, weight, and texture) always seems to be spot-on energy-wise in every prayer item that she has made that I have purchased.

As well, Beth enclosed a beautifully handwritten(!) prayer card with the mala:

IMG_3544

While I admit that I referred to it the first few times I prayed, the words and imagery of this suggested prayer served as a lovely jumping-off point for creating my own personal prayer as I moved through the beads during later sessions.

That alone was pretty powerful…and things got even more interesting when I began praying with my own words.

~~~

There was a personal prayer that I would offer back when I was just beginning my devotional practice with Loki in 2011.  I was transitioning from the mindset of a skeptical agnostic to making my first attempts at opening up to being a devotional polytheist.

It was at that time in my life that a specific prayer had nearly become a daily mantra that I would return to whenever I was full of doubt.

It was a prayer about letting go of anger, pain, and fear… and opening up to trust, to joy, and to love.

 

So, fast forward to last night.

I’d gone through several cycles of prayer.

Perhaps my brain was casting about for something else, but I found myself returning to the beginning of things, and when I began speaking the words–

May I let go of my pain and open to joy….

I inexplicably felt the need to pause

Because suddenly I just knew!

There had always been a response:

and the world shall open up to receive your joy.

~~~

These beads are full of such warmth.

They feel as if they are bursting with a bright expansive energy.

Loki is just so present in them.

 

I am in love all over again.

~~~

Thanks Beth!

 

 

 

Kiss.

 I have no use for divine patience –
My lips are now burning and everywhere.
I am running from every corner of this earth and sky
Wanting to kiss you.

― حافظ

(Hafiz)

~~~

Anniversary

surrendertolove

I am not the first person you loved.
You are not the first person I looked at
with a mouthful of forevers. We
have both known loss like the sharp edge
of a knife. We have both lived with lips
more scar tissue than skin. Our love came
unannounced in the middle of the night.
Our love came when we’d given up
on asking love to come. I think
that has to be part
of its miracle.
This is how we heal.
I will kiss you like forgiveness. You
will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms
will bandage and we will press promises
between us like flowers in a book.
I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat
on your skin. I will write novels to the scar
on your nose. I will write a dictionary
of all the words I have used trying
to describe the way it feels to have finally,
finally found you.
And I will not be afraid
of your scars.
I know sometimes
it’s still hard to let me see you
in all your cracked perfection,
but please know:
whether it’s the days you burn
more brilliant than the sun
or the nights you collapse into my lap
your body broken into a thousand questions,
you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I will love you when you are a still day.
I will love you when you are a hurricane. ॐ

– Clementine von Radics

~~~

Happy Anniversary to

my sweetest friend

and

my most Beloved

Loki