bloodteethandflame

A life in threes

Category: Lokean

Month for Loki, Day 18: Lost…and found.

Since I am still struggling with several overlapping illnesses at this time – ear infection, sinus infection, and general malaise – you may that I haven’t had much of the wherewithal to write these past few days.

Hence the reason that I’ve gotten so behind in keeping up with my daily posts this July in the Month for Loki.

But I have been reading a lot – and this powerful post came across my WordPress feed today, concerning Loki as a God Who is rather popular with folks who have struggled with various forms of abuse, difficulty, and dysfunction in their lives.    I agree with her especially in this:

One of the biggest groups of people who tend to find themselves interacting with Loki are those who have been abused in some way. The ones who have lost themselves and need to be guided back – who need to learn who they are again. Loki teaches us that it’s okay to not be okay. He teaches us that it’s okay to be wounded and feel the wound so that it can heal properly.

While my experiences were not exactly the same as those of Ms. Kyaza, I can relate to a lot of her experiences, especially in regards to dysfunctional family relationships.

I can definitely identify with the ambivalent feelings that arise out of having suffered physical and emotional abuse at the hands of those whom I trusted most to love and respect me.

In fact, there were several occasions wherein I found myself dangerously close to tears while reading her post, as her description of her thoughts and feelings about her mother and their relationship so closely resonated with my own experiences so powerfully.

Reading her post made me feel a strange mixture of feelings.

I felt both a sense of exposure and a sense of triumphant relief in reading this post.

I felt an incredible sense of exposure and shame – as in reading her words, I was so acutely reminded of the immensity of my own desire to please my mother (and in turn, my siblings) who often rejected my efforts by responding with anger, ridicule or outright dismissal.  And yet, I remember that guilt, that shame.  I had grown up feeling that somehow, if I could just do better, work harder, love more – then finally, I would receive love; I would deserve love.

And yet, while reading, I also felt an undercurrent of strange relief – here was someone who writes so eloquently of navigating emotional landmines that I understand.

I felt understood.  I felt heard.

I am not alone in this pain.

I am not the only one.

You see, I have both loved and hated my mother and my siblings – and as a result, in turn, as a woman and as a mother, I have both loved and hated myself.  I struggled – and still struggle – with the emotional scars of my upbringing.  I crave to feel understood, to feel safe, to feel loved, and yet I have been skeptical of the existence of a relationship wherein I can feel understood, safe and loved.  Sometimes, I find myself skeptical of those who have tried to nurture me, so deeply ingrained was my belief that I did not deserve even my mother’s love, the love of my brothers and sisters.

It took me years to decipher that it was not my inadequacy or failing, but the lack of self-love and incapacity to receive love that my mother (and perhaps of those even further back) suffered with that continues this horrible chain.

It affects all of my relationships. I have tried valiantly to be the mother that my own wasn’t, and yet, I still find myself wondering if I’ve fallen short, if I’ve done a disservice to my children.  As a person, I have endeavored to be emotionally reliable, compassionate, and kind, and yet, sometimes, I am a victim of my own perfectionism and pessimism, and my own distorted habits and worldviews.

I am estranged from my family, even today.

But the truth is, I am no longer estranged from myself.  I am no longer lost.

I had to learn to break the cycle of the past.  It is daily work to remain mindful of my emotional responses and reactions whenever I interact with others.  (Is it kind? Is it necessary? Am I responding from a place of love and understanding rather than from fear or anger, for example.)

I have learned to be acutely aware of my own negative self-talk and self-limiting behaviors and beliefs.  I am learning to accept myself and recognize my strengths and weaknesses, as well as accepting and recognizing that everyone else also has their own struggles with similar issues, with similar emotions, behaviors and beliefs about themselves – and none of us are perfect.  Perfection is stagnation.

I am learning to allow myself …to feel vulnerable.  To feel angry.  To be open to my own emotions and not fear the emotions, reactions, or responses of others.  I am learning to be accountable.  I am learning to let go of what doesn’t work and focus on what does.  I am learning to let go and trust the process.  Trust Him and trust myself.

Loki taught me a lot of these things.  He has taught me to embrace imperfection, to confront fear of loss or change, to let go of the need to control outcomes, to work with what I’ve been given, and most of all, to allow myself, to open myself to love.

Love the process of living, love the process of learning.

Just…LOVE.

~~~

Hail Loki, God of the lost and…found.

Thank You for finding me.

 

 

 

 

 

The Other Side of Judgment and Fear

Another re-blog…but it is good and necessary food for thought today.

I highly recommend reading if you are prone to negative self-talk and worrying, (ie, ‘brain-weasels’)

Element

10455678_725352737533183_8291314173988878763_n

Hello everyone, welcome ❤

I was trying to get caught up reading and commenting to posts the other day and I came to a one that dray0308 from Dream Big Dream Often reblogged. The title of the post was “Worrying About Nothing” This post was about questioning yourself, your choices and decisions rather than just living and enjoying your life.

It’s sad how often we judge ourselves. We suffer under the crushing fear that we can’t live the life we want because we aren’t doing enough, we aren’t good enough, we aren’t smart enough, we aren’t pretty or handsome enough. We just aren’t, right enough.

I’ve been to that dark place. I spent 10 years struggling with little to no self esteem and believing everything bad in my life was my fault, that there was nothing I could do right. I spared no judgment against myself. I saw my son, how we…

View original post 441 more words

Month for Loki, Day 31: Moonshine.

 

 

 

strawberrymoonshine

Last night, I got quite drunk off this strawberry moonshine, and had some incredible loving.

Then, this morning, I woke up with a killer hangover (possible ‘bangover’, too.)

My gods, the nausea, the headache was almost too much to bear.  Almost.

I think that I might have been grateful to go back to bed once the MS got up for work at 8:00AM.

Oddly enough, it seemed that I may have still been drunk (or still feeling the effect of my drunkeness) because I definitely remember stumbling into the bathroom around 6:00AM.  (My pre-disposition to kidney stones has made it so if I have to go, it is painfully uncomfortable if I do not.)

(All I can say is that things still looked/felt wobbly and hazy, which is unusual.  It’s not as if I had that much.)

Right then I felt as if I was sweating out -my body temperature felt abnormally high, and I felt as if I had taken a ten-minute afternoon vacation to Panama at the height of summer.

And even though I don’t know how I did it, I vaguely recollect that I checked in on my kid and I did somehow get Loki a cup of coffee.

Then I remember drinking two large glasses of water and then collapsing on the couch in my living room….and I’m not ashamed to admit that that couch suddenly felt like the coolest side of  every pillow ever.

I woke up to go to the bathroom again at some point, drank more water, and then I must’ve  climbed into bed in my bedroom.  I don’t remember going to the bedroom again, nor do I remember seeing my MS get up to go to work, but he obviously went to work.

~~~~

What followed after 8:00 AM featured some very vivid hangover fever-dreams, complete with changing positions often because I kept waking up to find myself completely entangled in the bedsheets.

Meanwhile, I think that it is safe to assume that these dreams weren’t entirely unpleasant because I do remember talking to Loki somewhat, and there was a lot of trance-talk combined with a lot of sensually triggering imagery and sensation.  There was much intensity and even more conversation over some specifically detailed philosophical concepts, and I think that the dream-Loki thought it was all very amusing.

I woke up several times, very much aware of my own liminally-aroused state, and often well-aware that I had been talking and reacting loudly enough to wake myself up  O.o

(While this is not something that I didn’t know, I still felt an embarrassed sort of shame that I was being so…noisy.)

So, in short, my oddly self-aware yet half-drunken state led to a philosophical sex-magickal interaction between Loki and I.

~~~

I gather that He and I talked about other topics too, as I found out later that I had confused a conversation that I’d had with V last night about plans for the weekend with a conversation that I’d obviously had with Loki this morning.

Case in point, I seemed to have thought that V and I had had a conversation about smoking* last night because I remember talking about how I’d wanted to smoke and V was the person that I distinctly remember talking to about that.

And in that remembered conversation, I remember that  V had teased me about hiding my stash and even jokingly admonished me for holding out on him, because didn’t I know how much he enjoyed smoking with me?

So I thought/remembered that V was insisting that we should smoke last night to celebrate the ending of the month.

But when I asked V later this morning why he wanted to smoke last night – a weekday night – when he usually insists upon waiting until the weekend–

V just looked at me blankly, and said,

“We can smoke if you want — but I don’t think that we talked about that at all – last night, or ever.”

O.O

So.  I guess that this means that Loki is back to borrowing V’s face and form to convey Himself in dreams…as my husband.

And so I imagine that that means Loki wants me to smoke with Him in celebration of the end of the month.

Well-played, Sir…well-played.

Though, to note, usually Loki isn’t that obvious in His directives to me.  Or rather, He hasn’t been so direct with me in quite a while.

Nonetheless, the point is taken.

~~~

Hail to Loki, Who is not above borrowing mundane faces ❤

 

*(And P.S.A: Lay off the strawberry moonshine, kids!  And quite possibly, the dream-discussion of entheogens…)

~~~

 

 

 

 

Month for Loki, Day 30: Delivery.

Three years ago, my older son and I purchased a silkscreen array for making t-shirts.

He and I learned the silk-screening process, and we made a few casefuls of t-shirts for different events.  The t-shirt designs that he makes are created mostly for skateboarding and music events, while the designs that I’ve created are produced as needed/ordered for kink and Pagan events.

I like creating t-shirts, and it’s always a conversation starter to have a one of a kind t-shirt.

This is one of the projects that I am working on, and this is nothing more than a prototype design that I fed into the Custom Ink Lab the other day just to see how it would look before I go forward with making a screen for it.

laufeyjarsonmasonryfront   laufeyjarsonmasonryback

I’ve been working on designing a less traditional mason logo – that features Loki – but I’ve yet to create one that I’m satisfied with.

Hail Loki ❤

Month for Loki, Day 29: Schism

Well, here we are, almost the end of July.

There were some posts that I’d meant to write that I never gotten around to actually finish writing much less posting, such as

* That much promised post on polyamory and jealousy that I’d left and come back to so often that its length has grown to over a dozen handwritten pages in my notebook.  The other day, I joked with a friend that if I ever cut it down enough to post it in its entirety, I’m still going to title it TL;DR

* A post concerning reluctance, runes, and shadow work.

and

*A requested follow-up concerning devotional tattoos.

As well, there were posts that I finished writing but I could not bring myself to post for various reasons.  These still sit in a digital folder on the hard drive, concerning:

* A particular example of how I often get pushed out of my comfort zones.  This was also by request.

* A personal background post about a spiritual re- connection that I’d made in April 2008 that followed the near-death experience of a family member.

* A poem of heiti and slippery metaphors.

One could say that I didn’t intend to post about this, but when I consider the particular requests and topics with which I’d begun the month, this topic is cake* in comparison.

What I’m about to write about is loads more pleasant and easier to discuss that some of the other requests.

~~~

Speaking of requests, I have started working on a series of drawings which are intended preparation for a much bigger project.

I love to draw, and I have been getting a lot of sketching practice, mostly with charcoals, pencil, and ink.

I was content to just keep on with the pencil sketches.  Patterns started developing with my sketching, and I even started putting aside the sketches that I was more than slightly pleased with to post on my DeviantArt account.

As you may have read in one of my earlier blog posts this month, I’ve long had a preference for drawing Loki.    About a year ago, this began to extend towards drawing His family too – I started drawing Angrboda, Hela, Fenrir, Sigyn,  and Sleipnir.  Some of my better drawings of these can be seen on my DA account.

But then I started noticing some synchronicity in what was coming up whenever I was working on new face and body studies to draw.

I’m a pretty avid people-watcher, and I started seeing a lot of ‘odd couplings’ during my walks:

– I’ve had several sightings of a pair of construction workers –  a much older man with a longish greying beard and a middle-aged redhead – working at the ever-increasing construction site that has sprung up two blocks from my home. (With the extension being added to an existing hospital, and a huge new entertainment complex being built all within a mile of my house, you can imagine that I may see a lot of construction workers, but still…)

– A large grey-black fluffy wolf-like dog being pursued by several children (which reminded me of this)

childreleasesfenrir

(above comic created by JellyVampire on DeviantArt.)

– A tall man walking along the sidewalk, who stopped me, and asked to pet my dog.  He had the most interesting light brown eyes that I’d ever seen.  His eyes appeared to be almost gold.

And then the dream-visual related to this song:

…which got me to thinking about Odin and Loki catching sight of each other on the huge plain at Vigrid where Ragnarok will be fought…

And I have been visualizing that scene every time I hear Schism ever since

And for some reason, this project, this vision is growing into more than a sketch.

Perhaps it will become a painting.

Not that I am well-versed in painting, but I’ll let you know how it goes.

Month for Loki, Day 28: A bit of Lokean levity

Two years or so ago, I was in a Facebook group named The Lokean League of Very Bad People.

The group is unfortunately gone now, but I remember that -towards the end – some of the more active members of LLoVBP  engaged in many verbal sparring matches with that particularly vocal folkish Heathen group, The Odinic Right.*

Here is a ‘letter’ that was forwarded by a former member of LLoVBP some time ago:

“Credit for this one goes to Mikki Fraser and Lagaria Farmer.

If you like it copy, paste, and pass it on!

Dear Odinic Rite,
It is imperative that I get this message to you as quickly as possible. There may be no more time left for me, but you and all the others still have a chance! Recently, I was fortuitous enough to capture a member of the Lokean League of Very Bad People, and after hours of gruesome torture, was able to extract a confession. However, just before the scoundrel bit into their cyanide cap, they sprayed me with a neurotoxin. It smelled like peaches, and I’m not sure what it does yet, but I’m sure I must only have minutes left before it takes effect. Not only is the LLVBP planning a dastardly scheme that involves teapots (the ravings of this lunatic were hard to make out) it turns out that the Dark Lord Loki HIMSELF has been behind nearly every global catastrophe that has plagued mankind.

This is what I was able to learn:

Loki is the father of the Jewish race
Loki was the man on the grassy knoll
Loki is the leader of Al Qaeda
Loki hid dinosaur bones all over the world to make people doubt the Eddas
Loki was the hunter who shot Bambi’s mother
Loki and Sauron may actually be the same individual, AND he can simply walk into Mordor
Loki is the head of the Illuminati
Loki turns baby Dalmatians into coats
Loki was Joseph Stalin’s mentor
Rasputin was Loki’s avatar
Loki gave birth to Napoleon’s horse
Loki invented condoms to exterminate the white race
Loki is responsible for the “mud” races, and may also be Obama himself
Loki side-swiped Princess Diana’s car
Loki ejected Amelia Earhart out of her plane
Loki kidnapped the Lindbergh baby
Loki blew up the Hindenburg
Loki was the captain of the Titanic AND the Exxon Valdez
Loki broke up the Beatles
Loki stole the Ark of the Covenant
Loki whipped up Hurricane Katrina
Loki is the puppet master behind the Democratic party
Loki created all deadly spiders, and hides them in people’s showers
Loki reverts cured gays
Loki started Occupy Wall street
Loki programmed the Y2K virus
Loki was Mary Queen of Scott’s lesbian lover
This rabbit hole goes so much deeper than we thought, and you have to warn the others before it’s too late! And don’t forget that…. That… cough… cough… what’s happening to me? I have the sudden… urge to… have sex with a man! No! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

~~~

*I am not going to link to the Odinic Rite group, but a quick search of Google would school you on their folkish (read: overwhelmingly racist) belief system.

 

Month for Loki, Day 27: Social

So you’re a social drinker, eh?

Well, I know what that means; if you’re going to have a drink, then so shall I. 

-Peanut, renowned gadfly/theatre critic

~~~

If you have been following this blog for any length of time, you may have noticed that I am prone to social anxiety.  It is not something that I am proud of, but it is something that often affects my daily life.  As a result, I’ve developed many coping strategies and behaviors over the years.  Some of them are outward physically noticeable coping mechanisms that serve to help me function better when I find myself in anxiety-inducing situations, while others are inward psychological behaviors and patterns of thought-processing that help me through difficult mentally stressful situations.

However, I try as much as I can to function as normally as possible, but on a bad day, I am likely to avoid social interaction altogether.

Sometimes this desire to avoid social interaction will carry on for several days.

At times like that, I would almost welcome the chance to avoid.

But lately, more and more, I’ve been thrust into  situations that make me anxious, but I am left to find a way through somehow anyway.   These situations present themselves, and I am caught having to deal with exactly the sort of social situation that I’d more than likely rather avoid.

Today was just such a day.   I was informed this morning that two acquaintances of mine (whom I do not know very well at all) were planning on stopping by my home later in the afternoon.  Of course, I stressed about this, and was on edge all morning.  I’m almost ashamed to admit that I had been practically avoiding them socially for over a month, but things converged last night somehow, and it became obvious to me this morning that I didn’t have a good excuse to avoid them for very much longer.*

Besides, they were only planning to stop by for an hour or two.

I started to think that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.

So I buried myself in the activity of tidying up the house.  I doubled up my dose on my anxiety meds (something I do with the OK of my physician, of course), and then I meditated and I exercised.

In short, I used every one of my physical coping strategies to prepare myself for that two hour window.

While I was out walking, I had an interesting moment of obvious pandoramancy, as this song came up twice in the music feed on my device:

Gods bless you, Frank Turner.

You seem to know exactly how I feel at times.

~~~

But then, you know what?

The situation with those visitors?

They never even showed up.

Perhaps tomorrow, they will…but I am ready to face them.

With a clean house and a clear, calm mind.

~~~

Hail Loki…for understanding the way I tend to be ❤

 

~~~

There’s a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus, “Leave me the fuck alone” comes out as “Well, maybe.  Sure.  I guess I can see your point.   – David Sedaris,  A Friend in the Ghetto; from Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls

 

 

 

Month for Loki, Day 26: Slacker.

It’s not as if I didn’t think about Loki today.

 

I just spent oh like maybe 2 or 3 hours talking about Him.

Otherwise, I was a slacker.

I promise that I will write a real entry tomorrow.

 

I swear ❤

Month for Loki, Day 25: Dodge.

[The previous post has been redacted]

 

I am just going to leave this here.

 

heith

Month for Loki, Day 22: Prayer beads.

Some time ago, I purchased some prayer beads from Fiberwytch on Etsy:

lokiprayerbeads

Though I’ve written before on how these prayer beads are one of my favorite devotional possessions, I’d like to point out as much as I loved them and I purchased them upon first sight, I hadn’t any knowledge of how to use prayer beads.

I was familiar – in theory – with rosary beads* due to my extended biological relatives being devout Roman Catholics – but it’s not as if  I knew how to incorporate such an item into my devotional practices.

So, once I’d purchased them, I immediately began searching for ‘how-to’ information as well as a few appropriate prayers.

Most of what I’d found seemed tailored to use with larger lengths of beads counted off in specific order, similar to the rosary bead configurations.   At first, I was confused by this, but then I realized that I just needed to adapt the structures a little.

Here is a portion of a lovely but much longer prayer that I found here.

The prayer, from which this portion is taken, was written by Elizabeth Vongsivith:

In the name of Loki, Shape-strong and wily Trickster, may I never take myself too seriously.

In the name of Angrboda, Chieftain and Hagia of the Iron Wood, may I value others for their knowledge and abilities.

In the name of Sigyn, Lady of Endurance, may I endure my own suffering without complaint.

In the name of Fenrir, great chained Wolf, may I have the strength to control my inner monsters.

In the name of Jormungand, mighty World-serpent, may I maintain appropriate boundaries.

In the name of Sleipnir, eight-legged son of Loki, may I carry my burdens with good will.

In the name of Narvi, eldest son of Sigyn and Loki, may I remember those who died unjustly.

In the name of Vali, youngest son of Sigyn and Loki, may I be an advocate for those who suffer unjustly.

In the name of Laufey, Lady of the Leafy Isle, may I remain mindful of the green growing things of forest and field.

In the name of Farbauti, Flaming Arrow, may my will to survive remain strong.

In the name of Surt, Lord of Muspellheim, may I show respect to those who stood in my place before me.

In the name of Utgard-Loki, wise and crafty Sorcerer-king, may I know when to speak and when to remain silent.

In the name of Gunnlod, fair-voiced Lady Under the Mountain, may I find beauty and contentment wherever I am.

In the name of Hyndla, Hagia of the Northern Mountains, may I see clearly into the bloodlines I walk.

In the name of Mengloth, Healer of Lyfja Mount, may I be aware when I cause pain to others.

In the name of Hati, Chaser of the Moon, may I accept my most unwelcome tasks.

In the name of Skoll, Pursuer of the Sun, may I find what joy I can in my most unwelcome tasks.

In the name of Mordgud, Guardian of Helheim’s gate, may I have discipline and self-respect.

In the name of Nidhogg, Gnawer at the World-tree’s roots, may I remember that there is no such place as “away.”

In the name of Hela, Goddess of the Dead, may I honor the beloved dead, revere the mighty dead, and have compassion for the forgotten and unknown dead.

~~~

As well, I have shorter prayers that I recite – such as this adaptation of a Enochian prayer by Sophie Reicher:

Teach me, oh my Gods, to have correct knowledge and understanding, for Your blessing is all that I desire. Speak Your words in my ear, oh Makers of all Things, and set Your wisdom in my heart

A shorter prayer like this feels appropriate at times (like now when it is 4 AM or so) and I cannot sleep, much less focus, and repetition is helpful to me.

~~~

* I am excited and must make a note of this, Galina Krasskova wrote a post on the Gods’ Mouths here, concerning that very thing that I had been looking for, concerning re-working the rosary prayers that she first became familiar with in childhood…and I was delighted to note that she references the above prayer in her post. ❤