bloodteethandflame

A life in threes

Category: personal

This blog is not dead.

This blog is not dead.

However, my devotional practice has definitely changed, as nearly six months ago, I started working with Odin too:

LokiandOdinaltarfigures (2)

(Altar figures (l-r) Loki, Odin, ceramic, by artisan Dmitriy Kushnir from The Slavic Way on Etsy)

But maybe I am not.

As it has occurred to me that perhaps what I believe to be Odin could be simply another face of Loki….

But damned if it doesn’t feel different.

Dante.

Yesterday our pet ferret died.

His name was Dante.

Early yesterday morning, my son had gone to clean Dante’s cage, but Dante seemed lethargic and disinterested in coming out to run around while my son did that chore.

As a matter of fact, he seemed to be more interested in napping, which wasn’t unusual as Dante, like most ferrets, was more active at night….and as usual, Dante had been pretty active just a few hours before, so neither of us thought much of him wanting to nap.

So my son did a quick wipedown of the cage floors, put out food, water, and a clean blanket, and left for school.

About an hour or so later, I’d noticed that Dante still hadn’t moved to eat or drink, so I nudged him.

Though he was still warm, he had passed.

~~~

Dante was the most recent ferret we’d had in a long line of ferrets.

 

You see, we’ve had a good half-dozen ferrets in the last 10 years.

In the overlap, we had four ferrets at one time:

(Here’s my older son holding three of that four ferrets we had at that time.)

If you haven’t guessed, ferrets are social creatures who thrive on having company – the more the merrier.

~~~

But Dante was the last of the final two, which was comprised of he and his brother/litter-mate Jameson (who died two years ago):

As you might imagine, I felt a bit choked up to put away the food dishes, the toys, and that crate (roomy enough to house up to six ferrets at a time), and it feels strange to consider that our home is both without Dante – and without ferrets – today. ūüė•

As well, I am not ashamed to admit that I cried as I dug the hole this afternoon, and I cried as I wrapped Dante in his favorite blanket, and buried him three feet to the left of where Jameson lies beneath the bed of dark pink periwinkles.

Am I foolish to have wanted to send him off with a proper farewell – making prayers and burning incense?

 

Am I foolish to plan on planting flowers – violets and periwinkles – once rainy season comes?

 

Perhaps.

 

But today I am both sad and foolish.

I miss my ferrets.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pandoramancy: I’ll make you a believer…

This song is evocative of some of my first interactions with L as an adult:

While I was familiar with the original Depeche Mode version from 1989, I preferred Marilyn Manson’s cover version (released in 2004), as Manson’s voice felt closer to the weary tone and cracked pitch of L’s voice, especially considering it had been several months’ post-breakdown*

~~~~

 

*Another personal Ragnarök had just occurred in my life in late February 2008- so when He came to me with that particular face and aspect, I found it to be more comforting than disturbing at the time.

I believe in pandoramancy, mark 2.

 

 

So.
Something worrisome is happening…

but there is nothing much I can do at 9:18PM EST

…but if you know me, you know that I’m worrying anyway.
And then, my son surprises me with this inspired piece of pandoramancy.
And that’s how I knew that this had to be today’s Song of the Day:

I laughed Рbecause I love this video Рbut then I burst into tears.

I don’t know how he¬†could have known.

And yet the message – that everything is going to be OK – is something that I didn’t expect to hear, and yet it is a message is one that I needed to hear so badly right at the moment….

Because…yeah.

The worry.

Sometimes the worry overwhelms me.

But the Universe seems to want me to know

Even if the sky is falling down
I know that we’ll be safe and sound
We’re safe and sound

 

Oh…and seeing those little singing cotton balls especially helped cheer me up a little. ‚̧

Another earworm.

I had three vivid dreams last night.

And this song…

was playing repeatedly in the background throughout all three dreams.

I have no idea why.

Upon awakening, I wondered if the repetition was simply an instance of pandoramancy, but its lyrics or imagery didn’t seem to connect to anything I’d dreamt of, so I guess all that’s left is to consider it as a rather insistent earworm.

 

Respite.

This past week, ¬†the weather has been pleasant – much cooler than normal, but still rather sunny –¬†and I’ve been appreciating it.

I’ve begun the past few mornings standing in my backyard, listening to the birds. ¬†I’ve been seeing cardinals, bluejays, woodpeckers, and I’ve noticed at least one pair of ravens.

Yes, a pair of ravens have visited me several times over the last month or so.

They appear to be unafraid of my cat, Shasta (who usually delights in chasing most other birds from my yard, and her presence has long kept most birds away.) ¬†Surprisingly she seems to have learned to ignore the ravens, as they’ve most certainly been ignoring her.

Another reason I’ve been enjoying the cooler temperatures is because cooler weather means wearing pants and lately, wearing pants means wearing boots.

The other day I was walking and suddenly, I felt so confident. ¬†I think it had something to do with the sharp steady sound of my boots on the pavement. ¬†I’ve always thought that there’s something just so heartening and bold about that rhythmic sound of boots walking on pavement.

It’s the little things.

 

Poem

This lovely poem was shared by a friend on my social media feed this morning, and though I was skeptical that its words ‘could change one’s life,’ I will grant that its overall message is rather profound one…and personally relevant.

(Thanks Sarah!)

~~~

THE GUEST HOUSE

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

‚Äď Jelaluddin Rumi,
Translation from The Essential Rumi by Coleman Barks

 

Pandoramancy: Three.

Today is my Loki-versary.

Today marks three years since I made things official – three years since I made vows in front of witnesses and the like.

And yet since this past December – coming upon a little over two months now – my work regarding other things, as well as my working with Another has required Himself to step back a bit.

But I want to mark this day, and give Him some well deserved love and praise.

Hail Loki ‚̧

Frustrated, Incorporated.

 

Some of my long-time readers have begun to notice that my devotional practices seem to have shifted a bit.

A major feature of this surprising change has manifested in that while I still work primarily with Loki, I have begun some major work with Odin.

(Yes. ¬†Believe me, no one was more surprised than I was concerning that change ‚Äď trust me on that.)

The bulk of this work ‚Äď regarding runes, astral travel, and energy movement ‚Äď often occurs somewhere within the liminal hours, especially as¬†Tuesday bleeds into Wednesday….

Which lately, has led me to have some rather restless nights, full of much sleep interruption.

*yawn*

Despite how I feel about that, it is the way it has been for the past several weeks now.

So, while walking one of my dogs this AM, this song came up:

….as I was thinking thoughts¬†on how it’s been going concerning working with the Two of Them, and I realized that there are several aspects to these interactions that are expressed rather well through this bit o’ pandoramancy.

Because…yes. ¬†

They *do* seem to  know just what I need

And They might just have the thing…

because They *both*¬†¬†know what I’d pay to feel.

And… since I’m often prone to being a touch melodramatic when I’m sleep-deprived, I have been known to ask Them¬†to – y’know –

¬†put me out of my misery…

The suicide king being Odin

                                            and you know the drama queen just has to be Loki.

the more you know

I love Brene Brown…even when she is throwing out some hard truths.

So you can gather what I am talking about, you might want to watch the video.

Y’see, I , too, am a ‘blamer.’

It’s true of me that when something bad happens, my first thought is often whose fault is this? – and, more often than not, I twist it in my head until I’ve found a reason for whatever happened.

I need to know why.  I am a person that needs to know why.

Even if -more often than not – I end up blaming myself for whatever it is that happened in some way.

Yeah. ¬†I know that that’s unhealthy.

Yep, I thought that that was holding myself accountable.*

This mindfulness and this desire to hold myself accountable for myself and my reactions to bad things happening is often the way that my thoughts go. ¬†And I’ve had enough therapy to know that I’m only doing half the work, too, when I stop and actually think about it.

Why is it only half the work?

Because the full work would be the realization and implementation of the fact that some bad things happen because they are random.  Sometimes there is no reason.

Yes, it’s true that sometimes¬†bad things happen because someone wasn’t mindful of themselves or others – and I include myself in that – and rash decisions get made. ¬† Things get broken, or feelings get hurt, or what have you, and often emotions fuel those decisions.

But the key is Рthe process of thinking that there has to be reason somewhere.  That there has to be a reason, there has to be a fault.  And that there has to be this endless overthinking and wasting of time and resources trying to figure out why something is, why something happened, or what led to this or that result.

As Brown points out, the fault-finding and blame is a discharge of discomfort and a desire for control of the situation, including getting control of one’s emotions and reactions.

And that gets me to thinking about my zen Buddhist therapist who speaks a continuous refrain of how I need to work on letting shit go, learning that the only person one can control is oneself and one’s reactions to the world, and the constant reminder¬†that the only moment is the present moment. ¬†He talks endlessly of the fact that the present is the only moment in which we can live, and how when one has realized this, and one focuses on mindfulness and control of oneself in the present moment, only then can one create inner peace and happiness.

Oh yes, it gives me a headache sometimes…this zen business. ¬†The letting go, the reactive¬†vs. proactive paradigm, the mindfulness — so much jargon. ¬† I cannot deny that this all feels exhausting sometimes, and I’ll admit that I fall back upon ingrained reactive habits and value judgments, and and and….*sigh*

I wallow in self-blame, another waste of time.

So.

Yes.

I seek control.

But the only control I seek in the end is self-control.

~~~

*This video opens my eyes to the mistake I’ve made concerning what accountability is.