bloodteethandflame

A life in threes

Month: January, 2013

Words fail.

You know, sometimes I am reluctant to share certain aspects of what’s been happening lately.

Lots.

Good thing that y’all are patient. I’m getting there.

Today’s events involved an unbidden and intense visual, which inspired me to draw several pictures – in pencil — trying to convey what I saw, somehow.

Maybe I should be glad that you can’t see into my brain.

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Open up.

I had an interesting dream the other night. Monday or Tuesday, maybe.

It was totally silent, as if I was watching a film of some sort, and there wasn’t any sound that I could hear in it. Several times I tried to speak, and no sound would come out. That alone disconcerted me a bit, since I am prone to nightmares that hinge upon me being unable to do something necessary and/or important, and this just seemed like another one of those.

Sometimes L shows up in these dreams — or rather lately, L has been showing up as himself rather than taking the face of someone else in these dreams — but he doesn’t talk.

He just looks at me, maybe smiles a little.

Sometimes he’ll make a gesture, such as pointing to something in the place that we’re in, or he’ll be holding something in his hands that he’ll be wanting to show me.

Sometimes, I just see him in the background, somewhere…like we are playing a game of Where’s Waldo, or I-Spy, and I usually wake up shortly after seeing him.

But in this dream, it began with him just sitting cross-legged on the right side of my bed.

The creepy thing is, I had been sleeping in the dream, and I woke up to see him there.

And it took a lot for me not to ‘jump out’ of dreaming and wake up.

And we sat looking at each other.

He squinted his eyes like he was examining my face.

In the dream, I was feeling worn, but anxious, because here was company, and I was laying in bed.

Even though, I didn’t feel well, it was the typical anxiety that I get when feeling sick, I’ve got to get up because I’ve got to… I should offer a drink, I should put on coffee…no, I’m OK, let me just…get up…

And I turned slightly, preparing to get out of bed.

And then L did the oddest thing.

It didn’t make sense to me then, but he reached out and touched my face.

I thought that he was being nice, so I stopped turning, and let it be.

I could feel the tips of his fingers against my cheek, and his thumb pressed against my jawline, holding my face.

Gentle, kinda sweet.

L was holding my face in his hands.

And then, even more strangely, he pushed his fingers and thumb firmly against my lips and teeth, and with quick, light pressure, coaxed me to open my mouth.

The expression on his face just then was difficult to describe; not smiling, not frowning, but suddenly, I was aware that he seemed focused on something, seemingly examining something about my mouth.

My brain scrambled through possibilities, as I felt his other hand cradle the back of my head.

I was watching his face, and he mouthed the word, Open as his fingers pulled gently on my chin to open my mouth a bit more.

And suddenly, I took a deep breath, and…. I don’t know how to describe it, it seemed the most fulfilling breath I had ever taken.

Suddenly every feeling that I had felt since the beginning, all the nerves, all the stress, all the weariness and fear that I felt about anything and everything…about him, and not about him…was there.

And I could let it out… in one breath.

~~~
Of course, I tried to talk, just then, to say ‘Thank you’ and so forth, but no sound would come.

And, of course, when I looked at L, he just sat back, smiled slightly, raised one eyebrow, and mouthed, Open

I took another deep breath,like you do when you are learning to swim, and you want to fill up your lungs, because you are about hold it all in for your dive into deep water

But L leaned forward, looked me in the eye, and mouthed, Open

And every. time. I would not, or forget, or worse, tried to talk,

It was

Open

Open

Open

And when I woke up, however, I tried to test my voice, and my throat was raspy and dry.

Well, I’ve been coming down with a cold these past few days, so I chalked this dream up to simply that my brain chose to examine the seeming inevitability that I would probably get laryngitis if I didn’t take care of my throat.

And maybe, the raspiness was due to the fact that I had slept too long, breathing through my mouth, so…that could be the possible explanation, right?

One thing leads to another…

But I didn’t really connect the details that I remembered with having anything to do with anything more than that.

~~~

And today, today I find out that “Ah” is the simplest sound that a human can make. Just open your mouth and push the sound out. A sigh. A gasp. An exclamation of understanding. A discovery.**

Ah.

I just have to open up.

~~~

**”…the tone of “Ah” which is really wonderful, and helps close holes in the auric field when one is really tired. Very simple…..drop your jaw, and say Ahhhhhh….with a bit of a musical tone, and focus on your 3rd eye. I’ve taught it to tons of folks, and it works so great to stop losing energy especially in stressful situations.” Thank you, Ms. L.F.P!

~~~

Edited (again) to add: Hail Loki!

Service.

There are two ways of spreading light: To be the candle or to be the mirror that reflects it. Edith Wharton

Service which is rendered without joy helps neither the servant nor the served. But all other pleasures and possessions pale into nothingness before service which is rendered in a spirit of joy.Mohandas K. Gandhi

 

I’ve been thinking a lot — and writing a lot — about how service is a major apect of my spirituality. 

I’ve been reluctant to share, because…well, because there is so much in my head that it becomes difficult to condense it into something resembling coherence, lately.

What I can tell you is that I woke up this morning with this particular phrase in my mind:

“Your role is not to be, but to make the space for others to be.”

There’s more, but that seems to be another handy, albeit raw, condensation of what I had been struggling to convey.  And I want to say, that role – of making space for others to be — is just as important as the role of being.

 

 

New Year.

So now that the month is halfway over, I think that I can safely point out that there’s been a few changes from this time last year :

-Even though on this date last year, my husband was unemployed, I am happy to say that he has has held positions with three separate tech companies since then.   As a matter of fact, there’s the further change that his latest job is with a company based out of Washington, DC…and it’s not virtual office as the others were, so my husband is maintaining both a home office and an office in DC.

-Second change is that my oldest son doesn’t live at home any longer.  He splits his time between work and school, and he has been living in his own place since May.  I’m still not sure what I’m going to do with the extra space, formerly referred to as his bedroom.

-Third change, which is rather recent, is that my husband and I broke it off with our long-term girlfriend two weeks ago. 

Yeah, it still hurts, but we’re getting through as best we can. 

And in a way, there seemed to be foreshadowing to that:  Four weeks ago, around the same time that I was collecting supplies for a necklace that I was making for the Yule gift exchange, I commissioned with another craftsperson to make a custom necklace for said girlfriend, to be completed by January 4th.

Turns out the craftsperson — who was also a friend of mine — had a sudden family emergency on Dec 29th, which made it so she could not even begin to create the necklace, let alone finish it, by January 4th.  She was so apologetic, and very worried because of it; her email to me asked outright if she’d “ruined my holiday’ by ‘inconveniencing’ me this way. 

After what happened on January 4th, I don’t know if my friend would have been a little relieved that she didn’t need to make anything for anyone, after all.

Anyway.

 

Here’s to experiencing more positive changes in the New Year.