bloodteethandflame

A life in threes

Jellyfish

Lately whenever I meditate or ask the Universe about my own practice/devotionals – I get visions of jellyfish.

Though I hadn’t ever looked up what jellyfish represent (as totems/spirit animals), I decided to research the symbolism of jellyfish recently.

According to the descriptions I found on several ‘what’s your spirit totem’ websites, jellyfish symbolize a need for surrender, a spiritual nudge to go with the flow and the necessity of trusting the process.

Now anyone who knows me would know why I would be both intrigued and horrified on several levels concerning that message

as

I have always had an unreasonable fear of jellyfish.

I cannot even look at a picture of a jellyfish.

I will admit that I get uncomfortable just seeing them on TV (such as how they are prominently featured in that Prevagen commercial.)

In short, Jellyfish FREAK ME THE FUCK OUT.

And yet, I should not be surprised at the irony of this situation in that a creature that I’ve always taken great pains to avoid – the jellyfish – should be one that represents the exact spiritual concepts with which I have been struggling.

I imagine that the Universe must be having a good long laugh at my expense regarding this latest development as jellyfish and the necessity of surrender have combined to create a rather intense two-for-one push out of my comfort zone, eh?

 (NOTE TO SELF: DON’T LOOK NOW )

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      ( AAAAIIIIGGGGHHHH )

So, here’s a few interesting things I’ve learned in my research about jellyfish:

Despite being biologically and rather structurally ‘basic’ creatures, jellyfish have survived for millennia.

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Their diet consists of whatever food supply (small organisms) they come across while floating in the ocean, as they have very little mobility/agency of their own compared to most sea creatures. In this sense, jellyfish are more at the mercy of the tide and currents, the wind, or whatever gets in their way as they float in the ocean than most other creatures.

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Unimpeded, there’s a certain species of jellyfish that are practically immortal – the Turritopsis dohrnii – the immortal jellyfish [pictured above].  These jellyfish only die from outside influences (injury, being eaten, etc.), as this species of jellyfish can revert back to its earlier polyp form at any time. In this regard, it is easy to see why this jellyfish could symbolize infinity.

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As well, most jellyfish do not seem to have many natural predators. That’s right – there aren’t many creatures that hunt them/prefer to eat them. Therefore, the jellyfish population is primarily kept in check through misadventure/outside influences. In a sense, the jellyfish is symbolic of an organism that trusts and relies on the abundance of the Universe to exist.

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Coupled with that near immortal/infinite existence, jellyfish have come to symbolize vulnerability, trust, and surrender.

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So I take these visions to mean that – as much as I hate jellyfish – here’s another sign of the Universe asking for my SURRENDER.

Latest message: More let go…more give in.

*sigh*

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Song for Tuesday: Can’t Find My Way Home

 

This song has always given me a weird feeling.
I can’t exactly explain it – except to admit that the lyrics used to give me a strange tight discomfort in my chest, even though I’ve always found its melody hauntingly beautiful.

Was it a song about magic?
Or perhaps… a song about death?

When I was young, I did not know.

But I can’t help but recall that my older sister would often sing the lyrics – making sure to mimic the young Steve Winwood’s high pitched plaintive voice and making a mockery of the British way he pronounced can’t (like caunt) –  and I would nervously laugh and laugh, and beg her to stop.

Oh, the nervous laughter we shared over that song!

Back then, I didn’t know what it was about…

or what made me so uncomfortable about that song.

And I definitely did not know what it was about this song that invited so much ridicule from my older sister…. and yet…

And yet…

Some thirty-odd years later, we got to talking about the song recently…and we admitted to one another that we’d always liked that song.

Funny that, eh?

Perhaps we are getting old.

~~~

Nowadays, I have begun to speculate what the song is about.

Or rather, I have become certain of what that song means to me.

It is a song about surrender.

Perhaps what had made me uncomfortable about the song was its tone – which now strikes me as a tone of surrender:

“Come down off your throne and leave your body alone. Somebody must change
You are the reason I’ve been waiting so long – somebody holds the key
Well, I’m near the end and I just ain’t got the time
And I’m wasted and I can’t find my way home

Come down on your own and leave your body alone – somebody must change
You are the reason I’ve been waiting all these years – somebody holds the key
Well, I’m near the end and I just ain’t got the time
And I’m wasted and I can’t find my way home…”

-lyrics written and sung by Steve Winwood/Blind Faith

 

As a matter of fact, while it is still true that it might be a song about fear of death or old age, that plaintive chorus of I can’t find my way home never fails to fill me with this unshakeable sense of loneliness and loss.

Perhaps the song is an extended and powerful metaphor of loss.

Or

Is it about someone who is spiritually seeking?

As it was with the mystic poet Rabindranath Tagore who wrote:

Where roads are made I lose my way.

In the wide water, in the blue sky there is no line of a track.

The pathway is hidden by the birds’ wings, by the star-fires, by the flowers of the wayfaring seasons.

And I ask my heart if its blood carries the wisdom of the unseen way….

                                                                                  (Fruit Gathering, verse 6)

 

In that regard, this song makes me think of madness, perhaps even seidhr.

 

Rumi drunk insane

 

You are the reason I’ve been waiting all these years…
Somebody holds the key…

thekeythatopens

Into the woods…

Of scheming cats…and Gods.

Some say that Odin and Loki are schemers.

Re: They may be schemers but Their schemes may be serving to make you a better person.

In my experience, They are a lot like those cats from Icanhas.cheezburger.com/lolcats

But rather than just being ‘in ur room doin olympix’ –

Odin: “im in ur life tryin to influence ur choices”

Meanwhile, Loki

“im in ur life remindin u to enjoy.”

And really…you can’t fault Them for that, can you? ❤

A long awaited visitor… and unexpected gifts.*

*(Otherwise known as a ‘what’s new: my life edition’…)

Happy 2019!

If you are a long-time reader, you may be aware of the fact that not only am I prone to social anxiety, I am not a fan of transitions either.

Therefore, as you might guess, I am not a fan of the month of January for that reason.

                                 ~~~

But this year, no one is more surprised than I to realize that I am looking forward to 2019….and looking forward to this new year enough to mean it sincerely when I say those words.

You see, as I said in my previous post, 2018 brought me lots of busy….and as usual, some of it wasn’t a heck of a lot of fun.

I know, I know, you can’t appreciate the sunshine unless you’ve had some rain, but yeah… there was a lot of rain.

But then…something unexpected happened.

Something so unexpected that in the 27 years since I’d prayed for this thing to happen….

I’d almost given up on it ever happening.

It wasn’t a prayer for myself; it was, oddly enough, a prayer for this man that I’d met (that I was still two years away from marrying)

who began patiently waiting for a phone call

and then, heartbroken, awaiting the visit

of the visitor who never came.

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Meanwhile, in the intervening years, the name of this long-awaited visitor was never far from this man’s heart (or  his mind,) even if his name was spoken less and less…

Because, simply put, when things are what they are, there’s really no use in dredging up past pain just so you can drown in it.

Especially when you know that you’ve done your best — all you can do is to keep the door to your heart open.

So that’s what he did.

And that’s what I did too because I began hoping too …. and keeping the door to my heart open in solidarity with this man.

                 And the years passed.

Sometimes, he would tell me the stories, or we would look at some old photos, and he would speculate what he would say, what he would do if he got that phone call, or if the doorbell rang…

And things started happening between us two! — and we made things happen too.

It was all the typical things you’d expect to happen :

We moved in together. We got married. We had a child. We worked. Our child grew. We lived in apartments. We had another child. We bought a house. We celebrated and we mourned and we argued and we laughed.

And the not-so-typical things:

I joined the Army. I left the Army.  We moved our little family three states away, down south. We spent two years at one address, three years at another, and then we moved back home up north again.

Then my husband became a ‘road warrior’ – traveling all over the country while I worked part-time and raised our kids where-ever ‘home’ happened to be, and my husband (and their father) came home on weekends.

Several more years passed and my husband got a government job, living and working in DC, and I would visit him with our kids during school vacations.

What a pair of strange nomads we were, moving away and back again at least a half dozen times more, each time further and further south.  But then again, each time, we’d return north again, to our home state, like bouncing magnets, like stars to a fixed pole.

Each time we returned north, we wondered….

What if…?

Had we missed that phone call?

Did we miss the long-awaited visitor?

Perhaps we’d made ourselves too difficult to find?

So we settled down.

We marked ten years in one state.

We marked five years in one home.

Next thing you know, our oldest child graduated high school.

We celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.

Our youngest child learned to drive.

Meanwhile, his name would come up once in a while. And as the years passed, it didn’t hurt my husband as much anymore to talk about him.

My husband wondered how he was doing.

I wondered if he had a family of his own now.

We both wondered if he knew that we had ever existed.

~~~

And then, my husband received a phone call around 9:30pm on December 7th, 2018 – from him.

Our long-awaited visitor.

At first, I admit that there was a lot of awkwardness.

Next, there were the ‘prepared’ questions…. and the ‘long-anticipated answers.’

And yes…It was so much more than everyday conversation.

You see, my hope, my prayer from 27 years ago had been:

Please may that little boy look for his father one day….

Please may he call on the phone…

Please may he come to find V…

And a few years later that hopeful prayer became

Please…may he come to find us someday.

And here they were: the answers to our hopes…and the long-awaited response to that prayer of so long ago…!

I am not ashamed to admit that after a moment or two of utter speechlessness,

V and I both burst into tears of overwhelming joy.

You see, he told us of what he’d been told.

He told us how he had wondered.

He told us that he had been looking for us for the past 6 years. 

He didn’t know for certain what our last name was until three months ago.

~~~

And we found out that he still lives in New England – still living mere miles from the area that our hearts would’ve called ‘home’.

He served two tours of duty, one in Afghanistan, and one in Iraq, and he is a decorated war veteran.

He has been married for 10 years, and he and his wife have three children – two sons and a daughter.

And if that wasn’t enough of a gift – to hear in his voice that breathless mixture of relief and joy at having finally found his father at last – it was even more so in that he wanted to meet us.

I’m sorry, but is it OK? I don’t want to be pushy. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to find you….

So he flew down to Florida to spend New Year’s Eve with us.

And it was amazing and it was wonderful….and though it was 27 years in waiting, it was one of the sweetest moments of my life to see my husband V finally embracing that boy – his son (!) – at the airport gate

It was truly a wonderful, beautiful way to end 2018!

 

What’s New: re: the Crows Knot Edition

Welcome to 2019, dear readers! I hope that your holidays were bright and busy!

Since it has been a while since I’ve updated, I wanted to let you all in on some exciting news

My shop, The Crow’s Knot now has its own page on Facebook!

Check it out here: https://mobile.facebook.com/thecrowsknot/

As well, I’ve extended the Crow’s Knot to Shopify: https://thecrowsknot.com/

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For those interested, I’ve updated my shop blog – detailing some new jewelry offerings

So please feel free to check those out

and

Thanks!

Lemonade

I have given up on summoning demons and I have come to accept the lemons….

Because when the Universe gives you lemons, you make the lemonade.

And if you’re anything like me, you know lemonade can fix anything 😉

A fair amount.

 

 While I am experiencing a fair amount of diggity these days, the next few weeks are promising to bring me an overwhelming surplus of diggity to my life…and that, my friends, is a good thing.*

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*That is, depending upon how one defines ‘diggity‘ – of which I am using in line with the definition of “a state of being or existence, in association with and conveyed by interjections, such as  absolutely or definitely”

What’s New: December 2018

Hey there!

After the success of last month’s event at Florida Pagan Gathering

as well as greatly expanding my product catalog

        

I have opened a new (supplemental*) shop at Shopify!

https://thecrowsknot.com/

Click here for The Crow’s Knot full catalog!

Thanks for stopping by!

 

* ‘Supplemental’ because I still maintain a shop at Etsy as well as this expansion at Shopify 🙂