Remember way back in the year when I wrote my thoughts here about polyamory and communication? About how the three rules of polyamory are:
Well, I just got off the phone with my husband’s girlfriend of 7 months, and she tells me that my husband of 20 years is in love with her and she with him. And that he has told her that he can’t imagine life without her, and various other surprising revelations about his feelings for her, and the fabric of their relationship.
It has come to my attention that he has been not just downplaying, but outright lying to both of us about being honest with each of us
He has told her that he informed me recently (as of a month ago) that he’s in love with her, and that I am aware of the depth of his feelings for her. She informs me that she thought that I knew that she has been staying at his D.C apartment on weekends, and that he takes her to lunch every weekday, and dinner three times a week. She informed me that he gave her a key to his apartment a month ago so that she can come and go as she pleases, and he insisted to her that I was aware of this. He gives her money, buys her groceries, clothing, and pays for her prescriptions and pays some of her bills. He insists to her that I am aware of all of that, too.
Surprising revelations because my husband has always downplayed his feelings for her when communicating about their relationship with me.
As a matter of fact, he has been insisting to me that he isn’t in love with her, and that he could never be in love with her; it is that she is in love with him.
He has insisted on multiple occasions that their relationship won’t last forever, that they fight too much, and he could walk away at any time.
He tells me that they only see each other a few times a week, if that, and that he has ‘never paid for anything significant’ for her.
He told me last week that their relationship is not nearly serious enough (and never will be, IHO) to give her a key to his apartment, but if it ever goes that far, he insists that he would tell me.
He lost his wedding ring two weeks ago.
She apologized, saying that he lost it while over her house. She has looked everywhere, but cannot find it.
He hasn’t informed me yet.
My husband lost his wedding ring, and he hasn’t told me.
He has been so antsy and dodging and has avoided talking to me at any great length for about a week and a half now.
She called me up tonight because he has been avoiding her, since they had an argument this past Friday night.
She said that she’d started to suspect that he hadn’t told me anything, because she’s been noticing him ignoring phone calls from me when they are together, and overheard him lie to me several times while on the phone with me (the lie being that he’d insist that he was working late and was too busy to talk, and yet, he was out with her, eating dinner, or sitting in her apartment.)
When she confronted him, he became upset, and insisted that he’d been nothing but honest with the both of us, and yet she’d witnessed him lying to me several times, as well as he consistently kept dodging her questions about why he felt the need to lie if he had REALLY told me everything.
So what was he lying to her about if he’d so readily lie to me? — was her concern.
She wanted to call me — with a ‘if you won’t tell her, I will tell her’ sort of threat — and he begged her, with tears in his eyes, not to do so.
So she told him to fuck off, that she hadn’t any time for that sort of dishonesty if he refused to tell the truth to her, or to me.
So she called me to find out what he had told me, and what did I know about the situation?
Did I know about the extent of his feelings?
Did I know that they were in love?
Did I know about the key to his apartment?
Did I know that not a day goes by wherein they do not see each other at least some portion of the day?
Did I know that he had planned to fly her and her daughter down to FL for the holidays for two weeks in November (Thanksgiving) and two weeks in December (Christmas), and intended to put them up in a hotel, all expenses paid?
Did I know that he’d lost his wedding ring?
No….no no no no no..and no.
Evidently there is a lot that he hasn’t told me. Evidently there is a lot that I didn’t know about the situation.
But I know that he’s been doing a lot of gaslighting…and a lot of projecting on me.
He has claimed that my anxiety about the instability of our marriage is unfounded. He has accused me of being crazy, of being distrustful, of being angry, of mistreating him, of having no respect for him, or for our marriage.
I am hurt. I am sad. I know that I should be angry.
Instead, I feel sick.
I feel like such a fool. An ignorant, ridiculous fool.