also here on my DeviantArt
<<<<see previous post for context<<<<<<
1 September 2016 – Day 2
The visualization today requires one to look in the mirror and ask oneself:
What is being hidden? What is holding you back?
When I looked into the bowl – I saw myself, at approximately age 10 or so. I was crying, I was cutting – words into my skin.
And then I saw myself (at age 6 or 7) sitting at a table, deep in concentration.
I am making things out of clay.
My mother is there, but she is cleaning the kitchen.
(I am remembering, I am hearing snippets of my mother’s commentary: Stupid little junky things and making such a mess.
These were things my mother hated: messes and ‘junky things.’
And I am making a mess.
According to her, I am sitting there, always making ‘stupid little junky things.’ My mother hated them; but my father collected them. I see them lined up on the top of his bureau, these things I’ve made.
I watch myself trying not to cry, trying not to listen or to care about what is being said.
I feel defeated.
Suddenly, the words
run through my head as I consider my younger self in this vision.
It is difficult to see her. I want to push this away.
I want her to be someone who is not afraid to say ‘No’
I want her to be the sort of child who is not afraid to stand up and tell her mother:
You are wrong.
That is not true.
I am more than you know.
I am more than you think.
Where is she? The one who can do – the one who is unashamed – to create, to be, to shine?
She is crying. I am crying.
Suddenly I remember those words, said just a few nights ago:
How dare you dull yourself for others….
I saw a girl who stopped trying.
The girl who gave up, who accepted their words
feeling like she deserved this treatment.
The quiet girl who simply tried harder to be perfect.
I wanted to show you…the one who decided to accept their opinions rather than creating herself.
This is the one who hid.
This is the one you hid.
And then, I saw a ten-year old girl pinned to the wall of a well-lighted bathroom – disassociating from the humiliation of what her mother is doing.
‘Come here, will you? Stay still! Just let me…goddamnit, I am trying to help you!….’
Feeling ashamed. Trying to disassociate from the pain of fingernails digging into skin; face feeling hot and swollen…. and crying.
‘You know, you’d be so pretty if you would just let me fix…let me get this….’
I feel ANGRY.
This is the girl who holds it all in.
This is the girl who doesn’t complain.
This is the girl who didn’t think that she could win, so she didn’t fight.
This is the girl who acquiesced.
I wish that I could tell that girl that she did not deserve that — she did not have to accept that treatment – she didn’t have to allow her mother to do that.
I realize that this is why I have always inwardly cringed a little bit at those words Accept and Allow.
This is why I Can’t.
Because I realize when I accepted that – I accepted the unacceptable along with the acceptable and I allowed behavior that should not have ever been allowed.
And why? Because I thought that if I was ‘good,’ I would be loved…but I was never good enough.
‘Here. Step into the light. Look at your face…let me fix that….’
Crying didn’t help. Anger didn’t help. Physical resistance only led to escalating altercations that just exacerbated things between my mother and I.
So what did I do — to cope?
I learned to ‘fix.’
Like my mother, I compulsively examine my face in the mirror. I pluck my eyebrows and pick and scratch at the skin of my face, trying to fix.
I am wrecking my skin. I routinely over-pluck my eyebrows.
And she ‘taught’ me how, because at some point, she stopped pinning me against the wall – because I learned to do these things to myself – to fix.
But I always feel so ugly afterwards.
Each time I tell myself that I won’t do it again.
Until the next time, every time that I feel or see an ingrown hair growing crooked or feel a bump or a flake of dry skin. I always think my ‘fixing’ will make things better.
So I spend a lot of time examining my face in bathroom mirrors, looking for the slightest flaws – lumps, discolorations, hairs.
I also pick and scratch and worry the skin around my fingernails and at the tips of my fingers… and while I do not bite my fingernails, I try to keep them short enough so I can’t.
I convince myself that I’ve gotten better, you know.
Because it has to have been a good 25 years since I had gotten so lost in scratching or picking that the only thing that broke me out of my stress-induced reverie was that my fingers were bleeding.
When I’m stressed, I lightly – though compulsively – scratch my scalp. (I still actually find head-scratching rather soothing. Head-scratching is one of the only OCD things that I still do that doesn’t seem to do too much damage, but I can be obsessive about it, and thus feel ashamed enough to sit on my hands on my particularly ‘bad days.’)
It is OCD.
But the important difference between my mother and I – is that I respect the bodily autonomy of others.
And I have been through enough therapy to realize that what my mother did was abusive and wrong
This is hard.
You must step into the light…
But I realize that I am the one holding me back.
Beginning on Wednesday 31 August until Friday 9 September, I did Dagulf Loptson’s 9 day ritual, Breaking Loki’s Bonds.
I spent Tuesday collecting the supplies.
I bought a new red 8-hour candle, three white 4-hour candles, a bottle of Jameson Irish whiskey, and a thick red double-sided satin ribbon.
The other things needed – a fire-proof container, a Sharpie pen, a large needle for carving, and sharps/lancets – were items that I thankfully had on hand.
( Much to my dismay, I realized that I had misplaced the knife that I’d planned to use, and since I did not have a suitable knife on hand, I ended up purchasing a new one later on in the week. Trust me, certain items – the knife especially – turned out to be something you need to trust in, whether or not you ever find yourself using it again.)
As well, this ritual, as it is written, involves a lot of rune writing/carving, so be aware of the runes. While I don’t consider myself a rune-master by any means, I am familiar with runes enough that I was able to spell out what I needed to. You will be writing in runes on days 2-7.
(Here is a handy rune converter if needed.)
31 August: The First Meditation
The first meditation concerns asking.
On Wednesday night, I approached Loki, and invited Him to aid me in transforming my life.
By the way, I am terrible at guided meditations. While I’ve no doubt a vivid imagination, I have especial difficulty in visualizing if I have to jump between reading a text and visualizing the effect, so I spent a good half-hour recording myself reading the text aloud so I could set the visuals of the first meditation in my mind that first night.
Though I feared that the first night would be excruciatingly intense, in retrospect, the first night was the easiest night of all.
And just after I finished the first meditation, I went to bed.
And just before I dropped off to sleep, in crazy-town (commonly referred to as my head post-ritual), I heard my name called out (loudly!) twice.
I couldn’t figure out if it was coming from inside or out.
Perhaps He wanted to talk…but I fell asleep. 😬
This was His question during the first night’s meditation:
Are you ready to claim responsibility for yourself and the fruit of your own actions? Are you ready to see yourself as you truly are?
1 September: The Second Meditation:
Sigyn: Look in the mirror. What do you see?
Loki: Who do you have bound here?
-The other Heathir*
The one pinned against the wall, disassociating, feeling humiliated. The one who is strong and creative who hides her light, dulls her shine, full of fear, feeling defeated. The one who waits in the dark. The one who cries. The one who has lost hope. The one who was trapped by duty, trying to fill the void that did not originate in her/with her.
This realization – and those visuals – unhinged me to a great degree, but in retrospect, I should not have been surprised: I am the one who is holding myself back.
I wrote ‘the other Heathir’ – in runes -on the bottle of whiskey. (I also wrote that phrase – in English – above the runes, in case I forgot what I wrote.)
The whiskey represents the hidden ‘poison’ as it were, that is staining my life. This is the truth I am hiding.
2 September: The Third Meditation:
What are your fetters made of?
The other H is bound in fetters made of iron.
This is the strength of fear, the fear that holds in place, fear that seems insurmountable. Also anger, despair, and hunger for freedom/understanding, but fear mostly.
I wrote ‘Fear made of iron’ in runes on the red ribbon.
3 September: The Fourth Meditation:
Who holds the bowl for you? Who are your allies?
Today, I see the box – with 9 locks! – where the weapon Lævateinn is kept.
K is my first ally: K.
K has always been my first ally.
Young and strong and full of love, K is the key and I am the door.
I fucked up.
I misread the ritual script, and I thought all 3 allies would show today.
so, after K, I immediately saw my father and then, I saw Loki.
I carved all three candles – easy enough – but then I had trouble drawing blood from my fingers.
I hacked up first two fingers before realizing my left ring finger (finger I wear Loki’s ring) bleeds rather well.
So I blooded and galdr’d (spoke-sung aloud the rune names) for all three candles.
K’s initials. My father’s initials. Loki.
I unlocked the first three locks.
4 September: The Fifth Meditation:
I woke up this morning, and there were spots of blood all over my pillowcase.
Last night, I realized that I had made a mistake.
So I burned off the two rune sets off the two candles #2 (my father) and #3 (Loki) to re-set.
Set second candle.
Who is your second ally?
And I Immediately saw a Fox.
Bright green eyes and surreal red fur.
I could not shake that image from my sight.
I quickly realized that Fox is cunning and quick, and upon a closer look, I saw that this Fox wore three colors in the form of three threads twisted red, yellow and green, that twined down the back and around and around the tail.
The Fox had threads in his fur that are red and yellow and green.
And Fox licked my face and I asked if he would lead me out of the dark cave when it was time.
And Fox nodded. As I prepared to carve the runes, I realized something important.
Do you know there is no letter x in runes? I learned that today.
Because I had to carve his name into the candle. F O K S
And when I had finished blooding and galdring those runes, Fox bowed again and licked my face, saying:
I will lead you through the darkness – my eyes are light in the dark.
Trust me. I am the spirit of Wisdom and Cunning that you must trust to help you.
I am the Pathfinder! I will show the way, the secret way…soon enough.
And with that, Fox turned and ran off, making tiny silent tracks soft across the snowy field.
I unlocked the second set of three locks.
5 September: The Sixth Meditation:
Who is your third ally?
I spent quite some time in intensely deep meditation upon my 3rd ally.
It took some negotiation before the 3rd ally would finally come forward.
You see, my father didn’t come forward this time. I think my father had said no. 😦
Then I heard someone mention that it should be (my older son) by name. (I heard his name).
It seemed that my third ally is the far-seeing Hawk-woman.
(Just as the Fox seems likely to have been Loki, it seems entirely possible that the Hawk was a shapeshifting Freyja.)
I saw a woman cloaked in burnt red robes. And then I saw an enormous raptor – a hawk – who was somehow Her too.
Like Fox, She sees far above and she is another guide through the darkness. She is strength and perseverance in the face of battle.
So I carved the runes to spell ‘Hawk’ on the third white candle, and I galdred them.
Then, as the ritual directed, I set the candles and began to chant the meditation again to thank each ally, as now I been approached by all three:
Thank you K for your assistance.
Thank you Fox, for Your cunning.
Thank you, Hawk, for Your sight-gifts
Thank you K for your faith.
Thank You Loki for Your help.
Thank You Freya for Your strength.
Thank you K for your alliance.
Thank You my Beloved for Your Love.
Thank You My Lady for Your Guidance.
I unlocked the final set of three locks.
The ritual then directed that the three candles should be allowed to burn to socket.
Oddly enough, the candles were labeled as having a 4 hour burn time, and the ritual lasted about one half hour, all told.
But within the next hour, all three burned out completely. O.o
6 September: The Seventh Meditation:
What is the source of your liberation?
Today the meditation focused on the blade which is the sword that was forged by Loki, Lævateinn
This day’s meditation had me opening the – now unlocked – box where Lævateinn is kept.
A word, concept or image will be revealed to me as appearing on the surface of the blade.
I chanted to Loptr to reveal to me the source of my liberation.
Suddenly, an image of a(n anatomically correct) heart flashed through my mind.
(As well, an image of tear-stained face of my child-self also flashed briefly in my mind’s-eye. Her eyes were dark with tears.)
Suddenly, a thought flowed through my mind: Do you love her?
Suddenly I looked down at the blade and thought: Love.
Love was the source of my liberation. My love for that other self, that other Heathir, would free her from her bonds.
So I wrote the word ‘Love’ in Futhark runes on both sides of the blade and blooded each rune as I galdr’d their names.
7 September: The Eighth Meditation:
This is the day that I will use Lævateinn
Tonight, it was difficult to visualize the cave.
I couldn’t see Them, but I could sense the sword in my hand. It is rather heavy.
I feared that I would not be able to lift it high enough and get a good angle to cut His bonds.
My mind gets so hung up on such particular details, I suppose.
I started to think about what His bonds were made of vs. my own.
Earlier in the meditations, He had said that guilt kept Him bound – the guilt of not having been able to protect His children.
And I thought of myself, and how interesting to think that my fear was the means that I had been holding bound that other Heathir within myself.
Suddenly it made a weird kind of connection and I thought about how fear was at the basis of a lot of things in the situation, in the world – guilt and fear. Fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of the inevitable future. And the choices that are made because of the fear of loss.
And for a moment I could see His eyes and the weariness and pain in them, and I raised the sword.
I cut the bonds at His shoulders, and thought about fear of not being accepted, of not being loved or understood. (The fear that leads to hatred/judgment and misunderstanding) Fear of the past.
I cut the bonds at His pelvis and thought about fear of judgment, fear of failure, fear of pain. And I found myself sobbing at the difficulty, as I could see the face of that little girl, that other Heathir, my child-self, sobbing too.
I am tired of being afraid, I am terrified of being trapped here, her eyes seemed to plead….
I cut the bonds at His knees, and thought about fear of inevitable change, fear of loss, fear of what the future holds…
And I thought about love.
How I used to think that love dies in the presence of fear, but here, love was the means to overcome fear.
Then it was time to cut away my bonds; to cut the ribbon I had made.
I momentarily entertained the fear that my own actual blade would be too dull to cut through the ribbon, but it flawlessly sliced through the fabric, into three pieces.
As clear as day, I saw the vision of the other Heathir, bound there before my eyes…and just as it was with Loki, it took three strokes.
And with each stroke, I chanted my intent:
I see you. I recognize you.
I know you. I value you.
You are free. I am free.
I told her:
You are safe.
You are strong.
You are powerful.
You are loved.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
You have not failed. You are free.
There is no need to hide.
There is no need to punish yourself anymore.
There is no need to fear happiness or freedom or change.
And I allowed myself to cry and feel and know that I would never deny that – or her – again.
We are. We are. We are.
I am free.
We are both free.
8 September: the Ninth Meditation:
Today is the end.
Today He is free and so am I.
Today is about recognizing Him and recognizing myself.
Today I ritually burn the three pieces of the ribbon
As well, the bottle I put aside -that signifies the venom of the snake becoming the medicine – that was a powerful metaphor. We are going to drink it in celebration.
(So do not forget to bring a cup to drink from on the ninth day! 🙂 )
They had a personal message for me, and I realized that I have traveled a long road to Them.
The message was profound and personal and Their words meant everything to me. I was almost in tears all over again – tears of catharsis, tears of release.
This was such a cathartic and necessary ritual for me.
So I placed the three pieces of ribbon in the miniature firepit I created. His (Loki’s) candle threatened to go out several times throughout, as one is to use the flame of His candle to burn the ribbon.***
Wax was everywhere. The scent of apple cinnamon candles, whiskey and burnt ribbon permeate my altar space, even now many hours later.
But it is done. And it was definitely worth doing.
And I feel lighter in spirit and more connected to my Gods.
Thank you, K.
Thank You, Loki.
Thank You, Freyja.
*The second meditation was so intense and vivid that I dedicated a post to just the specific visuals here.
**K walked in right as I set his candle thanking him for his faith and steadfastness defense/aid. He startled me. And I felt disheveled for the rest of the meditation. O.o
K was the first ally and I had just finished saying- ‘thank you K—-‘
and I hear K—- say ‘Hello.’
I startled – and I look up and K is standing there, standing just within the doorway to my meditation area.
I didn’t even hear K knock.
‘I’m going to bed’ he says.
(K had mentioned that he had asked Loki for permission to enter the circle; K told me, and I quote, that Loki had given it, saying:
OK — but make it quick!
And that’s why K was there.
But GAH. I almost jumped out of my skin! 😬
*** The ribbon – being satin and likely polyester – didn’t burn very well. But again, I sat with it but it took a long time – with several re-lightings – for it to burn to ash. But 20 long minutes later, it was done. I hope I did it right. What a perfectionist I am!
If I recommended this ritual to anyone, I would suggest use a ribbon that is made of paper or another fabric besides satin – that satin fancy shit doesn’t burn well and it smells awful. 😦
As well, again I didn’t read the ritual script as closely as I should have, and I poured way too much into the cup! The protocol is to drink the entire contents in one draught while you [and They] watch your bonds burn. So I am not the slightest bit ashamed to admit that I was pretty well lit by the time the ritual was over as 3 large shots’ worth of Jamesons’ will definitely fuck you up quick. LOL
Today I resolved to get some major yardwork done.
After the emotional ‘storms’ that I experienced yesterday, I woke up this morning feeling that the best remedy for my situation would to go out and physically do something, accomplish something.
And yardwork as a physical activity definitely fit the bill.
And speaking of storms, one may recall that my home sustained some damage from a wind event/hailstorm several weeks ago – as detailed in this post – and my husband and I met with our insurance company and a roofing company shortly after to discuss repairs and fill out the requisite paperwork.
Well, finally, we received word last night from the insurance company that all of our paperwork had been approved and all of the repairs would be covered in full.
So I spent the morning clearing the yard of the last of the deadfall and debris from the fallen tree – which had taken my husband and his brother several days to cut into pieces, even with the use of a chainsaw. Thankfully the waste management company came and collected 8 bundles of branches, but the all of those loose pieces that couldn’t be as easily bundled were refused.
So I spent the rest of this morning burning them:
As well, the process of collection led to some inadvertent blood-letting:
But all in all, the process was rather cathartic…in the most profound way.
Thank you for this post!
Reblogging as the importance of this work can not be understated.
I am going to do my best to participate in this working to the best of my ability, and i encourage anyone else who is moved to do so to participate as well.
The Transgender Rite of Ancestor Elevation: An Open Letter to the Curious
By Alder Night
Hello, friends! I’m so excited that you’re interested in the Elevation! It’s coming up really soon, and we’d love for you to be involved.
Essentially, the Transgender Rite of Ancestor Elevation (or Trans Rite of Elevation – TRoE for short) is a collaborative nine-day ancestor elevation ritual, styled after rituals in the Espiritismo Cruzada (Blended Spiritism) tradition, which is open. It originated as the brainchild of a small group of trans spirit-workers, myself included, at the Polytheist Leadership Conference in the summer of 2014. The thought was, the trans dead, trans women of color in particular, are a “uniquely traumatized group of spirits who often” die in awful and painful ways after dealing with a lifetime of people trying to deny their humanity. That kind of pain and rage and shame and trauma
View original post 1,903 more words