bloodteethandflame

A life in threes

Category: ritual

The Fox

originalthreadfox

also here on my DeviantArt

The Other.

<<<<see previous post for context<<<<<<

1 September 2016 – Day 2

The visualization today requires one to look in the mirror and ask oneself:

What is being hidden? What is holding you back?

When I looked into the bowl – I saw myself, at approximately age 10 or so.  I was crying, I was cutting – words into my skin.

And then I saw myself (at age 6 or 7) sitting at a table, deep in concentration.

I am making things out of clay.

My mother is there, but she is cleaning the kitchen.

(I am remembering, I am hearing snippets of my mother’s commentary:  Stupid little junky things and making such a mess.

These were things my mother hated: messes and ‘junky things.’

And I am making a mess.

According to her, I am sitting there, always making ‘stupid little junky things.’  My mother hated them; but my father collected them.  I see them lined up on the top of his bureau, these things I’ve made.

I watch myself trying not to cry, trying not to listen or to care about what is being said.

I feel defeated.

Suddenly, the words

strong

and

creative girl

run through my head as I consider my younger self in this vision.

It is difficult to see her.  I want to push this away.

I want her to be someone who is not afraid to say ‘No’

I want her to be the sort of child who is not afraid to stand up and tell her mother:

You are wrong. 

That is not true.

I am more than you know. 

I am more than you think. 

Where is she? The one who can do – the one who is unashamed – to create, to be, to shine?

She is crying.  I am crying.

Suddenly I remember those words, said just a few nights ago:

How dare you dull yourself for others….

I saw a girl who stopped trying.

The girl who gave up, who accepted their words

their ridicule

their anger

feeling like she deserved this treatment.

The quiet girl who simply tried harder to be perfect.

I wanted to show you…the one who decided to accept their opinions rather than creating herself. 

This is the one who hid.

This is the one you hid.

And then, I saw a ten-year old  girl pinned to the wall of a well-lighted bathroom – disassociating from the humiliation of what her mother is doing.

‘Come here, will you? Stay still! Just let me…goddamnit, I am trying to help you!….’

Feeling ashamed.  Trying to disassociate from the pain of fingernails digging into skin; face feeling hot and swollen…. and crying.

‘You know, you’d be so pretty if you would just let me fix…let me get this….’

I feel ANGRY.

This is the girl who holds it all in.

This is the girl who doesn’t complain.

This is the girl who didn’t think that she could win, so she didn’t fight.

This is the girl who acquiesced.

I wish that I could tell that girl that she did not deserve that  —  she did not have to accept that treatment – she didn’t have to allow her mother to do that.

I realize that this is why I have always inwardly cringed a little bit at those words Accept and Allow.

This is why I Can’t.

Because I realize when I accepted that – I accepted the unacceptable along with the acceptable and I allowed behavior that should not have ever been allowed.

And why?  Because I thought that if I was ‘good,’ I would be loved…but I was never good enough.

‘Here.  Step into the light.  Look at your face…let me fix that….’

Crying didn’t help.  Anger didn’t help.  Physical resistance only led to escalating altercations that just exacerbated things between my mother and I.

So what did I do — to cope?

I learned to ‘fix.’

Like my mother, I compulsively examine my face in the mirror.  I pluck my eyebrows and pick and scratch at the skin of my face, trying to fix.

I am wrecking my skin. I routinely  over-pluck my eyebrows.

And she ‘taught’ me how, because at some point, she stopped pinning me against the wall – because I learned to do these things to myself – to fix.

But I always feel so ugly afterwards.

Each time I tell myself that I won’t do it again.

Until the next time, every time that I feel or see an ingrown hair growing crooked or feel a bump or a flake of dry skin.   I always think my ‘fixing’ will make things better.

So I spend a lot of time examining my face in bathroom mirrors, looking for the slightest flaws – lumps, discolorations, hairs.

I also pick and scratch and worry the skin around my fingernails and at the tips of my fingers… and while I do not bite my fingernails, I try to keep them short enough so I can’t.

I convince myself that I’ve gotten better, you know.

Because it has to have been a good 25 years since I had gotten so lost in scratching or picking that the only thing that broke me out of my stress-induced reverie was that my fingers were bleeding.

When I’m stressed, I lightly – though compulsively – scratch my scalp.  (I still actually find head-scratching rather soothing.  Head-scratching is one of the only OCD things that I still do that doesn’t seem to do too much damage, but I can be obsessive about it, and thus feel ashamed enough to sit on my hands on my particularly ‘bad days.’)

It is OCD.

But the important difference between my mother and I – is that I respect the bodily autonomy of others.

And I have been through enough therapy to realize that what my mother did was abusive and wrong

This is hard.

You must step into the light…

But I realize that I am the one holding me back.

 

9 Days.

Beginning on Wednesday 31 August until Friday 9 September, I did Dagulf Loptson’s 9 day ritual, Breaking Loki’s Bonds.

I spent Tuesday collecting the supplies.

I bought a new red 8-hour candle, three white 4-hour candles, a bottle of Jameson Irish whiskey, and a thick red double-sided satin ribbon.

The other things needed – a fire-proof container, a Sharpie pen, a large needle for carving, and sharps/lancets – were items that I thankfully had on hand.

( Much to my dismay, I realized that I had misplaced the knife that I’d planned to use, and since I did not have  a suitable knife on hand, I ended up purchasing a new one later on in the week.  Trust me, certain items – the knife especially – turned out to be something you need to trust in, whether or not you ever find yourself using it again.)

As well, this ritual, as it is written, involves a lot of rune writing/carving, so be aware of the runes.  While I don’t consider myself a rune-master by any means,  I am familiar with runes enough that I was able to spell out what I needed to.  You will be writing in runes on days 2-7.

(Here is a handy rune converter if needed.)

31 August: The First Meditation

The first meditation concerns asking.

On Wednesday night, I approached Loki, and invited Him to aid me in transforming my life.

By the way, I am terrible at guided meditations.  While I’ve no doubt a vivid imagination, I have especial difficulty in visualizing if I have to jump between reading a text and visualizing the effect, so I spent a good half-hour recording myself reading the text aloud so I could set the visuals of the first meditation in my mind that first night.

Though I feared that the first night would be excruciatingly intense, in retrospect, the first night was the easiest night of all.

And just after I finished the first meditation, I went to bed.

And just before I dropped off to sleep, in crazy-town (commonly referred to as my head post-ritual), I heard my name called out (loudly!) twice.

I couldn’t figure out if it was coming from inside or out.

Perhaps He wanted to talk…but I fell asleep. 😬

This was His question during the first night’s meditation:

Are you ready to claim responsibility for yourself and the fruit of your own actions? Are you ready to see yourself as you truly are?

~~~

1 September: The Second Meditation:

Sigyn: Look in the mirror. What do you see?

Loki: Who do you have bound here?

-The other Heathir*

The one pinned against the wall, disassociating, feeling humiliated.  The one who is strong and creative who hides her light, dulls her shine, full of fear, feeling defeated. The one who waits in the dark.  The one who cries.  The one who has lost hope.  The one who was trapped by duty, trying to fill the void that did not originate in her/with her.

This realization – and those visuals – unhinged me to a great degree, but in retrospect, I should not have been surprised: I am the one who is holding myself back.

I wrote ‘the other Heathir’ – in runes -on the bottle of whiskey. (I also wrote that phrase – in English – above the runes, in case I forgot what I wrote.)

The whiskey represents the hidden ‘poison’ as it were, that is staining my life.  This is the truth I am hiding.

~~~

2 September: The Third Meditation:

What are your fetters made of?

The other H is bound in fetters made of iron.

This is the strength of fear, the fear that holds in place, fear that seems insurmountable.  Also anger, despair, and hunger for freedom/understanding, but fear mostly.

I wrote ‘Fear made of iron’ in runes on the red ribbon.

~~~

3 September: The Fourth Meditation:

Who holds the bowl for you?  Who are your allies?

Today, I see the box – with 9 locks! – where the weapon Lævateinn is kept.

K is my first ally: K.

K has always been my first ally.

Young and strong and full of love, K is the key and I am the door.

I fucked up.

I misread the ritual script, and I thought all 3 allies would show today.

so, after K, I immediately saw my father and then, I saw Loki.

I carved all three candles – easy enough –  but then I had trouble drawing blood from my fingers.

I hacked up first two fingers before realizing my left ring finger (finger I wear Loki’s ring) bleeds rather well.

So I blooded and galdr’d (spoke-sung aloud the rune names) for all three candles.

K’s initials.  My father’s initials.  Loki.

I unlocked the first three locks.

 

~~~

4 September: The Fifth Meditation:

I woke up this morning, and there were spots of blood all over my pillowcase.

Last night, I realized that I had made a mistake.

So I burned off the two rune sets off the two candles #2 (my father) and #3 (Loki) to re-set.

Set second candle.

Who is your second ally?

And I Immediately saw a Fox.

Bright green eyes and surreal red fur.

I could not shake that image from my sight.

I quickly realized that Fox is cunning and quick, and upon a closer look, I saw that this Fox wore three colors in the form of three threads twisted red, yellow and green, that twined down the back and around and around the tail.

The Fox had threads in his fur that are red and yellow and green.

And Fox licked my face and I asked if he would lead me out of the dark cave when it was time.

And Fox nodded.  As I prepared to carve the runes, I realized something important.

Do you know there is no letter x in runes? I learned that today.

Because I had to carve his name into the candle. F O K S

And when I had finished blooding and galdring those runes, Fox bowed again and licked my face, saying:

I will lead you through the darkness – my eyes are light in the dark. 

Trust me.  I am the spirit of Wisdom and Cunning that you must trust to help you. 

I am the Pathfinder! I will show the way, the secret way…soon enough.

And with that, Fox turned and ran off, making tiny silent tracks soft across the snowy field.

I unlocked the second set of three locks.

5 September: The Sixth Meditation:

Who is your third ally?

I spent quite some time in intensely deep meditation upon my 3rd ally.

It took some negotiation before the 3rd ally would finally come forward.

You see, my father didn’t come forward this time.   I think my father had said no. 😦

Then I heard someone mention that it should be (my older son) by name.  (I heard his name).

It seemed that my third ally is the far-seeing Hawk-woman.

(Just as the Fox seems likely to have been Loki, it seems entirely possible that the Hawk was a shapeshifting Freyja.)

I saw a woman cloaked in burnt red robes.  And then I saw an enormous raptor – a hawk – who was somehow Her too.

Like Fox, She sees far above and she is another guide through the darkness.  She is strength and perseverance in the face of battle.

So I carved the runes to spell ‘Hawk’ on the third white candle, and I galdred them.

Then, as the ritual directed, I set the candles and began to chant the meditation again to thank each ally, as now I been approached by all three:

Thank you K for your assistance.

(interruption!)**

Thank you Fox, for Your cunning.

Thank you, Hawk, for Your sight-gifts

_

Thank you K for your faith.

Thank You Loki for Your help.

Thank You Freya for Your strength.

_

Thank you K for your alliance.

Thank You my Beloved for Your Love.

Thank You My Lady for Your Guidance.

 

 

I unlocked the final set of three locks.

The ritual then directed that the three candles should be allowed to burn to socket.

Oddly enough, the candles were labeled as having a 4 hour burn time, and the ritual lasted about one half hour, all told.

But within the next hour, all three burned out completely. O.o

Powerful stuff!

~~~

6 September: The Seventh Meditation:

What is the source of your liberation?

Today the meditation focused on the blade which is the sword that was forged by Loki, Lævateinn

This day’s meditation had me opening the – now unlocked – box where Lævateinn is kept.

A word, concept or image will be revealed to me as appearing on the surface of the blade.

I chanted to Loptr to reveal to me the source of my liberation.

Suddenly, an image of a(n anatomically correct) heart flashed through my mind.

(As well, an image of tear-stained face of my child-self also flashed briefly in my mind’s-eye. Her eyes were dark with tears.)

Suddenly, a thought flowed through my mind: Do you love her?

Suddenly I looked down at the blade and thought: Love.

Love was the source of my liberation.  My love for that other self, that other Heathir, would free her from her bonds.

So I wrote the word ‘Love’ in Futhark runes on both sides of the blade and blooded each rune as I galdr’d their names.

~~~

7 September: The Eighth Meditation:

This is the day that I will use Lævateinn

Tonight, it was difficult to visualize the cave.

I couldn’t see Them, but I could sense the sword in my hand.  It is rather heavy.

I feared that I would not be able to lift it high enough and get a good angle to cut His bonds.

My mind gets so hung up on such particular details, I suppose.

I started to think about what His bonds were made of vs. my own.

Earlier in the meditations, He had said that guilt kept Him bound – the guilt of not having been able to protect His children.

And I thought of myself, and how interesting to think that my fear was the means that I had been holding bound that other Heathir within myself.

Suddenly it made a weird kind of connection and I thought about how fear was at the basis of a lot of things in the situation, in the world – guilt and fear. Fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of the inevitable future. And the choices that are made because of the fear of loss.

And for a moment I could see His eyes and the weariness and pain in them, and I raised the sword.

I cut the bonds at His shoulders, and thought about fear of not being accepted, of not being loved or understood. (The fear that leads to hatred/judgment and misunderstanding) Fear of the past.

I cut the bonds at His pelvis and thought about fear of judgment, fear of failure, fear of pain. And I found myself sobbing at the difficulty, as I could see the face of that little girl, that other Heathir, my child-self, sobbing too.

I am tired of being afraid, I am terrified of being trapped here, her eyes seemed to plead….

I cut the bonds at His knees, and thought about fear of inevitable change, fear of loss, fear of what the future holds…

And I thought about love.

How I used to think that love dies in the presence of fear, but here, love was the means to overcome fear.

Then it was time to cut  away my bonds; to cut the ribbon I had made.

I momentarily entertained the fear that my own actual blade would be too dull to cut through the ribbon, but it flawlessly sliced through the fabric, into three pieces.

As clear as day, I saw the vision of the other Heathir, bound there before my eyes…and just as it was with Loki, it took three strokes.

And with each stroke, I chanted my intent:

I see you.  I recognize you.

I know you. I value you.

You are free.  I am free. 

I told her:

You are safe.

You are strong.

You are powerful.

You are loved.  

I love you.  I love you. I love you. 

You have not failed. You are free.

There is no need to hide.

There is no need to punish yourself anymore.

There is no need to fear happiness or freedom or change.

 

And I allowed myself to cry and feel and know that I would never deny that – or her – again.

We are. We are. We are.

I am free.

We are both free.

 

~~~

8 September: the Ninth Meditation:

Today is the end.

Today He is free and so am I.

Today is about recognizing Him and recognizing myself.

Today I ritually burn the three pieces of the ribbon

As well, the bottle I put aside -that signifies the venom of the snake becoming the medicine – that was a powerful metaphor.  We are going to drink it in celebration.

(So do not forget to bring a cup to drink from on the ninth day! 🙂 )

They had a personal message for me, and I realized that I have traveled a long road to Them.

The message was profound and personal and Their words meant everything to me. I was almost in tears all over again – tears of catharsis, tears of release.

This was such a cathartic and necessary ritual for me.

So I placed the three pieces of ribbon in the miniature firepit I created. His (Loki’s) candle threatened to go out several times throughout, as one is to use the flame of His candle to burn the ribbon.***

Wax was everywhere.  The scent of apple cinnamon candles, whiskey and burnt ribbon permeate my altar space, even now many hours later.

But it is done.  And it was definitely worth doing.

And I feel lighter in spirit and more connected to my Gods.

Thank you, K.

Thank You, Loki.

Thank You, Freyja.

~~~

~~~

~~~

*The second meditation was so intense and vivid that I dedicated a post to just the specific visuals here.

__

**K walked in right as I set his candle thanking him for his faith and steadfastness defense/aid.  He startled me.  And I felt disheveled for the rest of the meditation. O.o

K was the first ally and I had just finished saying- ‘thank you K—-‘

and I hear K—- say ‘Hello.’ 

I startled – and I look up and K is standing there, standing just within the doorway to my meditation area.

I didn’t even hear K knock.

‘I’m going to bed’ he says.

(K had mentioned that he had asked Loki for permission to enter the circle; K told me, and I quote, that Loki had given it, saying:

OK — but make it quick!

And that’s why K was there.

But GAH. I almost jumped out of my skin! 😬

__

*** The ribbon –  being satin and likely polyester – didn’t burn very well.  But again, I sat with it but it took a long time – with several re-lightings – for it to burn to ash.  But 20 long minutes later, it was done.  I hope I did it right.  What a perfectionist I am!

If I recommended this ritual to anyone, I would suggest use a ribbon that is made of paper or another fabric besides satin – that satin fancy shit doesn’t burn well and it smells awful. 😦

As well, again I didn’t read the ritual script as closely as I should have, and I poured way too much into the cup!  The protocol is to drink the entire contents  in one draught while you [and They] watch your bonds burn.  So I am not the slightest bit ashamed to admit that I was pretty well lit by the time the ritual was over as  3 large shots’ worth of Jamesons’ will definitely fuck you up quick. LOL

Month for Loki, Day 12: Trust and vulnerability.

(AKA: On a related note….)

So, several hours ago, I was meditating again – with Loki in mind – and I thought about what direction that I should take with my writing project.

In typical fashion, I scribbled some thoughts down.

 

And then I came to a realization.

For a while, I had wondered exactly why Loki sometimes approached me in dreams, often borrowing the faces of past lovers, especially those of the male switches whom I’d known in the BDSM community.  The fact that He would approach me in such a manner – much less in the role of an attentive male submissive – baffled me.

It seemed a fluke at first, and I was ready to write it off, until I knew Him better – and yet, even still, He would occasionally show up in that guise – sometimes, even as Himself.

So, it got me to thinking about that class that I had taught at several kink lifestyle events in the springs and summers of 2010-12 – back when He was starting to show up in my life again.  And it slowly dawned on me that there was only one class that I taught that really drew a crowd, and it was my favorite class to teach…

It was titled ‘Words as Ordeal’ –  and it was mostly an educational/discussion class about verbal humiliation, degradation and ‘catharsis scenes’ – and I taught it from my point of view being  a submissive who enjoyed that particular sort of intense ‘play’ scene.

I taught it from the point of view that, in some ways, this form of ‘catharsis scene’ could be conveyed as the submissive (or ‘bottom’) seeking to lead the dominant (or ‘top’) into the woods of the (submissive’s) mind.

‘Leading [one] into the woods’ [or likewise ‘into the darkness, or into the basement, or the ‘deep end of the pool’] is a stunningly apt metaphor for this sort of powerful scene.

But what it wasn’t, I hastened to add, was a submissive ‘topping from below.’  Creating this sort of cathartic- and often powerfully transformative -scene was not topping from below.

Because there is nothing manipulative or disrespectful about allowing someone access to one’s mind.

Rather, such access can only be granted in the context of granting one another consent based upon an enormous amount of trust and vulnerability 

But to think on it now, I realize that the truth of the matter is, I could never allow a dominant/top total access to my mind.

 

So, in retrospect, it is no wonder that Loki wanted to be the submissive and use my own teaching methods on me.

 

Perhaps, He wasn’t about leading me to His mind as much as He was leading me to my own mind, and/or asking for access to my mind Himself.

Trust Me to know you, He would say.

I realize today that a lot of the work that Loki and I do together could be framed this way.

So in the end maybe there should be no surprise in this stunning bit of pandoramancy that comes up often on my Loki-music playlist:

Are you going with Me, because I’m going with you….because this is what it’s like when worlds collide…*

 

And in that, I realize that in approaching me with the submissive persona, He was asking for my trust.  He was asking me to trust Him to know me and to lead me to where I needed to be to do work for Him.

This is hard to explain.

But all these things are related in a spiderweb of metaphors.

He wanted me to trust Him to lead me by asking me if I knew how to lead Him, using these familiar BDSM paradigms that I had been entrenching myself in over the last two decades or so.

Lead Me to where you are, He would say in dreamspace. Teach Me the way

(But He knew how – He was just waiting for me to trust Him enough/trust myself enough to admit: that I couldn’t give Him permission until I’d given myself permission.  Permit Me to see you.  Permit Me to know you, as He would often suggest.)

Permission is the cornerstone of consent.

In BDSM, one always has the right to give permission, no matter what side of the power dynamic that one is on.

Despite what some may think, the submissive role is just as powerful as the dominant role, because it is the trust between the submissive and the dominant and the strength of trust within their relationship dynamic that makes for a powerfully spiritually transformative scene.

Even more so, an ordeal/catharsis scene is an exercise in trust and vulnerability.

In my Words as Ordeal classes – where verbal humiliation and degradation was often the means to bring about catharsis and transformation – I taught a lot of student-Dominants.

Sometimes, over two-thirds of the class would identify as Dominant, but this did not surprise me.

Because Dominants/tops are usually the ones who must be entrusted to be able to access the submissive’s most vulnerable aspects – creating scenes fueled by the force of the submissive’s deepest emotions – pain, fear, rage, and sadness.  There may be several ‘goals’ to a scene – but most catharsis scenes hinge upon creating a deeper emotional connection, and an overall sense of empowerment for the submissive (and sometimes, the Dominant.)

~~~

Perhaps, in this regard, Loki wanted to put me through various cathartic ordeals to discover my own vulnerabilities.

Personally, Our scenes were ones that featured accessing fears, needs, and confronting several forms of vulnerability and control – receiving acts of service, allowing myself to drop into trance states, or at the most intense, confronting my darkness/hunger/shadow-self.

And sometimes, this is the hardest part – just allowing Him to bring me to orgasm was an act of trust and vulnerability, in itself.

~~~

In 2012, it was also at a time in my life when I was gravitating more toward the masculine side of my genderfluidity,  and Loki pointedly suggested that He wanted to push me out of the comfort zone of masculinity by asking me to present as female.

And it wasn’t just that He wanted to see me wear dresses…it seemed that He wanted me to get in touch with something He referred to as the vulnerability of receiving.‘  

I am open to you, He would insist, I want to see you open, and I want you to get comfortable with your body as it is.

And We worked a lot of particular aspects of receiving in our interactions, and to this day, there’s a particular sensual act that brings me to a trance state faster than anything else I’ve ever done because, in the beginning of that work, I found myself using a trance induction tactic to relax myself enough to allow myself to receive/accept pleasure from it.

As well, to see Him open – to hear His words of opening – was the headiest thing.   When He said His words of opening, and He would take position/posture, it always struck me as a profound and sacred thing.   Honestly, the most obvious issue I had with His taking on the submissive’s role was that I, like any dominant, had to not only acknowledge/recognize Him in His chosen role, I had to allow Him and receive Him and His ‘gift.’

Some BDSM practitioners recognize a spiritual/emotional component to the submissive role, and some submissives refer to this component as ‘the gift of submission.’

And, in a sense, it is a ‘gift.’   It is the ‘gift’ of allowing another access to one’s body, and to an extent, one’s mind, in the dynamic.  It is allowing another to share in a journey of release and surrender.

Some submissives will tell you that they live to please their dominant, that submission is about experiencing pleasure by providing service to another.  And yes, I can understand that.  As a service person, that does resonate with me – but though, pleasure is pleasure – the submissive must also allow the sensations, the impact, the act of service itself to affect the self as well. The goal is to be open, to be transparent, and to trust completely in the experience.

But could I be open and trust completely in the experience of Our interactions?

I learned sex magic this way.

But the sex magic lessons were simply a preparation for…seidhr.

Receiving.  Trusting. Opening.

The essence of seidhr and trance is, for me, a state of vulnerability.  But that vulnerability came on the heels of a powerful state of arousal/awakening/opening sensation that required a lot of trust for me to settle into.

I understand now how the lessons intertwined.

In terms of ergi, Loki is not afraid to receive, to be a conduit, to be the receptacle at times, of magical transformations.

But, by the same token, He was not adverse to saying Lay back now and receive.  Allow Me. Receive Me.

And I did watch others as they received Him during seidhr, and I wondered how -or if ever – I would be able to do that.  I watched and listened as others would ‘horse’ Him and I wondered how that was done.  I thought about the concept of ergi – and the vulnerable power inherent in being the receptacle, the receiver, the one who submitted/surrendered control and made space for another within the energetic space of their bodies.

Allow yourself to be vulnerable with Me.  Open.  Trust.  Breathe.

The first lessons involved discussion of energy and physics.  Manifestation and language.

Then, the lessons focused on BDSM, sensuality and sex.

The next lessons involved trance and seidhr.

All lessons required a profound level of trust, openness, and vulnerability.

 

And yet, 3 years later…I was still not allowing Him full access.

It had all started with His assertion:

You are an energetic being.

Then,  His insistence:

You are a force of love.

After that, the request:

 Allow Me to love you.   Allow Me to give you pleasure.

And He was rather skilled with His sex metaphors.

But then, certain aspects about O/our interactions slowly shifted towards trance and seidhr metaphors.

The article that appeared on a spiritual studies forum putting forth the premise that sexual foreplay is an act of mutual self-hypnosis.  That foreplay is simply the act of allowing oneself to enter into a brief but communal trance with another person. (Update: I found the reference!)

How both sexual arousal and hypnotic trance share common bodily response indicators – that both are states of arousal/awareness that are similar in many ways – the prime similarity being that both states require one to accept/enter a state of vulnerability.

The nakedness of the body; the nakedness of the mind.

Relax your body; Relax your mind.

Cum with Me; Come with Me.

And so We did….to some degree.

~~~

And so, this is me talking about it.  I don’t know how to be succinct about this – but these are forms of energy magic: sex magic and trance magic.

Trance and seidhr are about vulnerability and power.  Surrendering the ego briefly to allow other energies/powers to come through and speak to you and through you.

It’s about access, allowing access.

Trusting the Gods to see into all the little corners of your self, to know all of you in all of your aspects, and to use all you know and how you speak….to make Themselves known and heard.

There’s definitely that aspect of seidhr that the volva is a conduit.

And as I had learned in BDSM, there are the roles of givers and receivers, powers and conduits of power… and even when trust and vulnerability is offered, consent is still required.  

These are all metaphors, and powerful ones at that.

Loki began as my teacher.

And then, He became my Lover to teach me still –

about trust and vulnerability,

about receiving and acceptance,

about consent and power

inherent

in the act of sex,

in the act of submission,

and in the act of seidhr.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Burning.

Today I resolved to get some major yardwork done.

After the emotional ‘storms’ that I experienced yesterday, I woke up this morning feeling that the best remedy for my situation would to go out and physically do something, accomplish something.

And yardwork as a physical activity definitely fit the bill.

And speaking of storms, one may recall that my home sustained some damage from a wind event/hailstorm several weeks ago – as detailed in this post – and my husband and I met with our insurance company and a roofing company shortly after to discuss repairs and fill out the requisite paperwork.

Well, finally, we received word last night from the insurance company that all of our paperwork had been approved and all of the repairs would be covered in full.

So I spent the morning clearing the yard of the last of the deadfall and debris from the fallen tree – which had taken my husband and his brother several days to cut into pieces, even with the use of a chainsaw.    Thankfully the waste management company came and collected 8 bundles of branches, but the all of those loose pieces that couldn’t be as easily bundled were refused.

So I spent the rest of this morning burning them:

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As well, the process of collection led to some inadvertent blood-letting:

IMG_3644

But all in all, the process was rather cathartic…in the most profound way.

 

 

So You Want to Honor The Trans Dead?

Thank you for this post!
Reblogging as the importance of this work can not be understated.
I am going to do my best to participate in this working to the best of my ability, and i encourage anyone else who is moved to do so to participate as well.

GODS & RADICALS

The Transgender Rite of Ancestor Elevation: An Open Letter to the Curious

By Alder Night

Hello, friends! I’m so excited that you’re interested in the Elevation! It’s coming up really soon, and we’d love for you to be involved.

Essentially, the Transgender Rite of Ancestor Elevation (or Trans Rite of Elevation – TRoE for short) is a collaborative nine-day ancestor elevation ritual, styled after rituals in the Espiritismo Cruzada (Blended Spiritism) tradition, which is open. It originated as the brainchild of a small group of trans spirit-workers, myself included, at the Polytheist Leadership Conference in the summer of 2014. The thought was, the trans dead, trans women of color in particular, are a “uniquely traumatized group of spirits who often” die in awful and painful ways after dealing with a lifetime of people trying to deny their humanity. That kind of pain and rage and shame and trauma

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