A life in threes

Category: Lokean

Month for Loki, Day 31: Moonshine.





Last night, I got quite drunk off this strawberry moonshine, and had some incredible loving.

Then, this morning, I woke up with a killer hangover (possible ‘bangover’, too.)

My gods, the nausea, the headache was almost too much to bear.  Almost.

I think that I might have been grateful to go back to bed once the MS got up for work at 8:00AM.

Oddly enough, it seemed that I may have still been drunk (or still feeling the effect of my drunkeness) because I definitely remember stumbling into the bathroom around 6:00AM.  (My pre-disposition to kidney stones has made it so if I have to go, it is painfully uncomfortable if I do not.)

(All I can say is that things still looked/felt wobbly and hazy, which is unusual.  It’s not as if I had that much.)

Right then I felt as if I was sweating out -my body temperature felt abnormally high, and I felt as if I had taken a ten-minute afternoon vacation to Panama at the height of summer.

And even though I don’t know how I did it, I vaguely recollect that I checked in on my kid and I did somehow get Loki a cup of coffee.

Then I remember drinking two large glasses of water and then collapsing on the couch in my living room….and I’m not ashamed to admit that that couch suddenly felt like the coolest side of  every pillow ever.

I woke up to go to the bathroom again at some point, drank more water, and then I must’ve  climbed into bed in my bedroom.  I don’t remember going to the bedroom again, nor do I remember seeing my MS get up to go to work, but he obviously went to work.


What followed after 8:00 AM featured some very vivid hangover fever-dreams, complete with changing positions often because I kept waking up to find myself completely entangled in the bedsheets.

Meanwhile, I think that it is safe to assume that these dreams weren’t entirely unpleasant because I do remember talking to Loki somewhat, and there was a lot of trance-talk combined with a lot of sensually triggering imagery and sensation.  There was much intensity and even more conversation over some specifically detailed philosophical concepts, and I think that the dream-Loki thought it was all very amusing.

I woke up several times, very much aware of my own liminally-aroused state, and often well-aware that I had been talking and reacting loudly enough to wake myself up  O.o

(While this is not something that I didn’t know, I still felt an embarrassed sort of shame that I was being so…noisy.)

So, in short, my oddly self-aware yet half-drunken state led to a philosophical sex-magickal interaction between Loki and I.


I gather that He and I talked about other topics too, as I found out later that I had confused a conversation that I’d had with V last night about plans for the weekend with a conversation that I’d obviously had with Loki this morning.

Case in point, I seemed to have thought that V and I had had a conversation about smoking* last night because I remember talking about how I’d wanted to smoke and V was the person that I distinctly remember talking to about that.

And in that remembered conversation, I remember that  V had teased me about hiding my stash and even jokingly admonished me for holding out on him, because didn’t I know how much he enjoyed smoking with me?

So I thought/remembered that V was insisting that we should smoke last night to celebrate the ending of the month.

But when I asked V later this morning why he wanted to smoke last night – a weekday night – when he usually insists upon waiting until the weekend–

V just looked at me blankly, and said,

“We can smoke if you want — but I don’t think that we talked about that at all – last night, or ever.”


So.  I guess that this means that Loki is back to borrowing V’s face and form to convey Himself in dreams…as my husband.

And so I imagine that that means Loki wants me to smoke with Him in celebration of the end of the month.

Well-played, Sir…well-played.

Though, to note, usually Loki isn’t that obvious in His directives to me.  Or rather, He hasn’t been so direct with me in quite a while.

Nonetheless, the point is taken.


Hail to Loki, Who is not above borrowing mundane faces ❤


*(And P.S.A: Lay off the strawberry moonshine, kids!  And quite possibly, the dream-discussion of entheogens…)






Month for Loki, Day 30: Delivery.

Three years ago, my older son and I purchased a silkscreen array for making t-shirts.

He and I learned the silk-screening process, and we made a few casefuls of t-shirts for different events.  The t-shirt designs that he makes are created mostly for skateboarding and music events, while the designs that I’ve created are produced as needed/ordered for kink and Pagan events.

I like creating t-shirts, and it’s always a conversation starter to have a one of a kind t-shirt.

This is one of the projects that I am working on, and this is nothing more than a prototype design that I fed into the Custom Ink Lab the other day just to see how it would look before I go forward with making a screen for it.

laufeyjarsonmasonryfront   laufeyjarsonmasonryback

I’ve been working on designing a less traditional mason logo – that features Loki – but I’ve yet to create one that I’m satisfied with.

Hail Loki ❤

Month for Loki, Day 29: Schism

Well, here we are, almost the end of July.

There were some posts that I’d meant to write that I never gotten around to actually finish writing much less posting, such as

* That much promised post on polyamory and jealousy that I’d left and come back to so often that its length has grown to over a dozen handwritten pages in my notebook.  The other day, I joked with a friend that if I ever cut it down enough to post it in its entirety, I’m still going to title it TL;DR

* A post concerning reluctance, runes, and shadow work.


*A requested follow-up concerning devotional tattoos.

As well, there were posts that I finished writing but I could not bring myself to post for various reasons.  These still sit in a digital folder on the hard drive, concerning:

* A particular example of how I often get pushed out of my comfort zones.  This was also by request.

* A personal background post about a spiritual re- connection that I’d made in April 2008 that followed the near-death experience of a family member.

* A poem of heiti and slippery metaphors.

One could say that I didn’t intend to post about this, but when I consider the particular requests and topics with which I’d begun the month, this topic is cake* in comparison.

What I’m about to write about is loads more pleasant and easier to discuss that some of the other requests.


Speaking of requests, I have started working on a series of drawings which are intended preparation for a much bigger project.

I love to draw, and I have been getting a lot of sketching practice, mostly with charcoals, pencil, and ink.

I was content to just keep on with the pencil sketches.  Patterns started developing with my sketching, and I even started putting aside the sketches that I was more than slightly pleased with to post on my DeviantArt account.

As you may have read in one of my earlier blog posts this month, I’ve long had a preference for drawing Loki.    About a year ago, this began to extend towards drawing His family too – I started drawing Angrboda, Hela, Fenrir, Sigyn,  and Sleipnir.  Some of my better drawings of these can be seen on my DA account.

But then I started noticing some synchronicity in what was coming up whenever I was working on new face and body studies to draw.

I’m a pretty avid people-watcher, and I started seeing a lot of ‘odd couplings’ during my walks:

– I’ve had several sightings of a pair of construction workers –  a much older man with a longish greying beard and a middle-aged redhead – working at the ever-increasing construction site that has sprung up two blocks from my home. (With the extension being added to an existing hospital, and a huge new entertainment complex being built all within a mile of my house, you can imagine that I may see a lot of construction workers, but still…)

– A large grey-black fluffy wolf-like dog being pursued by several children (which reminded me of this)


(above comic created by JellyVampire on DeviantArt.)

– A tall man walking along the sidewalk, who stopped me, and asked to pet my dog.  He had the most interesting light brown eyes that I’d ever seen.  His eyes appeared to be almost gold.

And then the dream-visual related to this song:

…which got me to thinking about Odin and Loki catching sight of each other on the huge plain at Vigrid where Ragnarok will be fought…

And I have been visualizing that scene every time I hear Schism ever since

And for some reason, this project, this vision is growing into more than a sketch.

Perhaps it will become a painting.

Not that I am well-versed in painting, but I’ll let you know how it goes.

Month for Loki, Day 28: A bit of Lokean levity

Two years or so ago, I was in a Facebook group named The Lokean League of Very Bad People.

The group is unfortunately gone now, but I remember that -towards the end – some of the more active members of LLoVBP  engaged in many verbal sparring matches with that particularly vocal folkish Heathen group, The Odinic Right.*

Here is a ‘letter’ that was forwarded by a former member of LLoVBP some time ago:

“Credit for this one goes to Mikki Fraser and Lagaria Farmer.

If you like it copy, paste, and pass it on!

Dear Odinic Rite,
It is imperative that I get this message to you as quickly as possible. There may be no more time left for me, but you and all the others still have a chance! Recently, I was fortuitous enough to capture a member of the Lokean League of Very Bad People, and after hours of gruesome torture, was able to extract a confession. However, just before the scoundrel bit into their cyanide cap, they sprayed me with a neurotoxin. It smelled like peaches, and I’m not sure what it does yet, but I’m sure I must only have minutes left before it takes effect. Not only is the LLVBP planning a dastardly scheme that involves teapots (the ravings of this lunatic were hard to make out) it turns out that the Dark Lord Loki HIMSELF has been behind nearly every global catastrophe that has plagued mankind.

This is what I was able to learn:

Loki is the father of the Jewish race
Loki was the man on the grassy knoll
Loki is the leader of Al Qaeda
Loki hid dinosaur bones all over the world to make people doubt the Eddas
Loki was the hunter who shot Bambi’s mother
Loki and Sauron may actually be the same individual, AND he can simply walk into Mordor
Loki is the head of the Illuminati
Loki turns baby Dalmatians into coats
Loki was Joseph Stalin’s mentor
Rasputin was Loki’s avatar
Loki gave birth to Napoleon’s horse
Loki invented condoms to exterminate the white race
Loki is responsible for the “mud” races, and may also be Obama himself
Loki side-swiped Princess Diana’s car
Loki ejected Amelia Earhart out of her plane
Loki kidnapped the Lindbergh baby
Loki blew up the Hindenburg
Loki was the captain of the Titanic AND the Exxon Valdez
Loki broke up the Beatles
Loki stole the Ark of the Covenant
Loki whipped up Hurricane Katrina
Loki is the puppet master behind the Democratic party
Loki created all deadly spiders, and hides them in people’s showers
Loki reverts cured gays
Loki started Occupy Wall street
Loki programmed the Y2K virus
Loki was Mary Queen of Scott’s lesbian lover
This rabbit hole goes so much deeper than we thought, and you have to warn the others before it’s too late! And don’t forget that…. That… cough… cough… what’s happening to me? I have the sudden… urge to… have sex with a man! No! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!


*I am not going to link to the Odinic Rite group, but a quick search of Google would school you on their folkish (read: overwhelmingly racist) belief system.


Month for Loki, Day 27: Social

So you’re a social drinker, eh?

Well, I know what that means; if you’re going to have a drink, then so shall I. 

-Peanut, renowned gadfly/theatre critic


If you have been following this blog for any length of time, you may have noticed that I am prone to social anxiety.  It is not something that I am proud of, but it is something that often affects my daily life.  As a result, I’ve developed many coping strategies and behaviors over the years.  Some of them are outward physically noticeable coping mechanisms that serve to help me function better when I find myself in anxiety-inducing situations, while others are inward psychological behaviors and patterns of thought-processing that help me through difficult mentally stressful situations.

However, I try as much as I can to function as normally as possible, but on a bad day, I am likely to avoid social interaction altogether.

Sometimes this desire to avoid social interaction will carry on for several days.

At times like that, I would almost welcome the chance to avoid.

But lately, more and more, I’ve been thrust into  situations that make me anxious, but I am left to find a way through somehow anyway.   These situations present themselves, and I am caught having to deal with exactly the sort of social situation that I’d more than likely rather avoid.

Today was just such a day.   I was informed this morning that two acquaintances of mine (whom I do not know very well at all) were planning on stopping by my home later in the afternoon.  Of course, I stressed about this, and was on edge all morning.  I’m almost ashamed to admit that I had been practically avoiding them socially for over a month, but things converged last night somehow, and it became obvious to me this morning that I didn’t have a good excuse to avoid them for very much longer.*

Besides, they were only planning to stop by for an hour or two.

I started to think that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.

So I buried myself in the activity of tidying up the house.  I doubled up my dose on my anxiety meds (something I do with the OK of my physician, of course), and then I meditated and I exercised.

In short, I used every one of my physical coping strategies to prepare myself for that two hour window.

While I was out walking, I had an interesting moment of obvious pandoramancy, as this song came up twice in the music feed on my device:

Gods bless you, Frank Turner.

You seem to know exactly how I feel at times.


But then, you know what?

The situation with those visitors?

They never even showed up.

Perhaps tomorrow, they will…but I am ready to face them.

With a clean house and a clear, calm mind.


Hail Loki…for understanding the way I tend to be ❤



There’s a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus, “Leave me the fuck alone” comes out as “Well, maybe.  Sure.  I guess I can see your point.   – David Sedaris,  A Friend in the Ghetto; from Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls




Month for Loki, Day 26: Slacker.

It’s not as if I didn’t think about Loki today.


I just spent oh like maybe 2 or 3 hours talking about Him.

Otherwise, I was a slacker.

I promise that I will write a real entry tomorrow.


I swear ❤

Month for Loki, Day 25: Dodge.

[The previous post has been redacted]


I am just going to leave this here.



Month for Loki, Day 22: Prayer beads.

Some time ago, I purchased some prayer beads from Fiberwytch on Etsy:


Though I’ve written before on how these prayer beads are one of my favorite devotional possessions, I’d like to point out as much as I loved them and I purchased them upon first sight, I hadn’t any knowledge of how to use prayer beads.

I was familiar – in theory – with rosary beads* due to my extended biological relatives being devout Roman Catholics – but it’s not as if  I knew how to incorporate such an item into my devotional practices.

So, once I’d purchased them, I immediately began searching for ‘how-to’ information as well as a few appropriate prayers.

Most of what I’d found seemed tailored to use with larger lengths of beads counted off in specific order, similar to the rosary bead configurations.   At first, I was confused by this, but then I realized that I just needed to adapt the structures a little.

Here is a portion of a lovely but much longer prayer that I found here.

The prayer, from which this portion is taken, was written by Elizabeth Vongsivith:

In the name of Loki, Shape-strong and wily Trickster, may I never take myself too seriously.

In the name of Angrboda, Chieftain and Hagia of the Iron Wood, may I value others for their knowledge and abilities.

In the name of Sigyn, Lady of Endurance, may I endure my own suffering without complaint.

In the name of Fenrir, great chained Wolf, may I have the strength to control my inner monsters.

In the name of Jormungand, mighty World-serpent, may I maintain appropriate boundaries.

In the name of Sleipnir, eight-legged son of Loki, may I carry my burdens with good will.

In the name of Narvi, eldest son of Sigyn and Loki, may I remember those who died unjustly.

In the name of Vali, youngest son of Sigyn and Loki, may I be an advocate for those who suffer unjustly.

In the name of Laufey, Lady of the Leafy Isle, may I remain mindful of the green growing things of forest and field.

In the name of Farbauti, Flaming Arrow, may my will to survive remain strong.

In the name of Surt, Lord of Muspellheim, may I show respect to those who stood in my place before me.

In the name of Utgard-Loki, wise and crafty Sorcerer-king, may I know when to speak and when to remain silent.

In the name of Gunnlod, fair-voiced Lady Under the Mountain, may I find beauty and contentment wherever I am.

In the name of Hyndla, Hagia of the Northern Mountains, may I see clearly into the bloodlines I walk.

In the name of Mengloth, Healer of Lyfja Mount, may I be aware when I cause pain to others.

In the name of Hati, Chaser of the Moon, may I accept my most unwelcome tasks.

In the name of Skoll, Pursuer of the Sun, may I find what joy I can in my most unwelcome tasks.

In the name of Mordgud, Guardian of Helheim’s gate, may I have discipline and self-respect.

In the name of Nidhogg, Gnawer at the World-tree’s roots, may I remember that there is no such place as “away.”

In the name of Hela, Goddess of the Dead, may I honor the beloved dead, revere the mighty dead, and have compassion for the forgotten and unknown dead.


As well, I have shorter prayers that I recite – such as this adaptation of a Enochian prayer by Sophie Reicher:

Teach me, oh my Gods, to have correct knowledge and understanding, for Your blessing is all that I desire. Speak Your words in my ear, oh Makers of all Things, and set Your wisdom in my heart

A shorter prayer like this feels appropriate at times (like now when it is 4 AM or so) and I cannot sleep, much less focus, and repetition is helpful to me.


* I am excited and must make a note of this, Galina Krasskova wrote a post on the Gods’ Mouths here, concerning that very thing that I had been looking for, concerning re-working the rosary prayers that she first became familiar with in childhood…and I was delighted to note that she references the above prayer in her post. ❤


Month for Loki, Day 21: A Drunken Heathen rants.

So here we are, over halfway through the month of July for Loki, and I still haven’t done the thing that I should have done a long time ago.

Not so much for Him, for  mind you, it’s more for me.  It pertains to something that I have been struggling with and thinking about for the past six months or so.

It is a thing that He’d likely approve of – being a God who values, above all, being true to oneself– but I have hemmed and hawed and struggled with these things for a long time.

And if Loki is anything, He is a patient God.  But He knows that this isn’t so much for Him as it is for my sanity.


Tonight I read a post that a kink community acquaintance of mine wrote back in 2013, and I left a comment to that post.

I commented about how finding the post again seemed like a very happy accident, and how I was glad to read it again.

And then, I clicked on a related post.

I do not know why I thought to click on that particular ‘related’ post.

It wasn’t until I was in the middle of reading that related post, that I realized that I needed to hear the message again – and maybe that part of it was not an accident.

There were many details of the post that I’d read before – and I remembered those details – but there was a lot of information (in the form of musings) in the post that I don’t remember being there before.   But that didn’t strike me as strange as much as it struck me that it is very possible that I didn’t notice certain aspects of its message before now.  We often see what we want to see, and it is quite obvious to me now that I wasn’t ready for the message that was so obviously within that post back then.

alice rabbit

(reads: I could tell you my adventures beginning from this morning, but it’s no use going back to yesterday because I was a different person then – Lewis Carroll)

And so here we are.

I have learned some difficult lessons in the past three years, and I must admit that I was reluctant – stubbornly aggressively reluctant – to even acknowledge how deep that rabbit hole is.

These past six months have been the real lesson, however.

And I am by no means done learning, either.

What did I learn?

I learned by the most difficult means possible that what I thought were good, sane relationships – were not.

I realized that I valued the wrong things, and I valued the wrong people, and I’ll tell you what – while the Universe was not kind, it was persistent.

Someone – no several people – tried to tell me that I had been looking in the wrong direction – but who listens to those people?  Not I.  I am famous for that.

I had to learn to listen to myself in regards to solutions, especially concerning issues of discernment.  Not just that, I had to learn how to do, well – a lot of things.

I had to stop looking so hard for the messages outside of me rather than what was within me.  It’s not as if the Universe wasn’t trying to hit me over the head with a clue by four over and over, but I was reluctant to listen.

Instead I got involved with and foolishly trusted some people that I should not have trusted, because I wanted so badly to be loved, to be seen, to be understood.  Those people that I trusted took advantage of my weakness, and I let them.  I LET THEM.  Why? Because I was weak and I wanted it out of my hands.

I traded one dependence for another in so many fucking ways.

I tied a lot of knots.

Usually I am really proficient at untying knots – well, I created a doozy that I’m still trying to untie.

At first, I thought that knot had to do with my upbringing, and then I thought that it concerned my marriage, and lastly, I thought it involved my love life, but it concerned none of that.  It was me.  I was the knot.  My name is within the knot.  My name was all over that shit.  I’ve got no one to blame but myself.

And I want to say:

No one knows better than I what it is that I need.

I learned that loving myself, trusting myself and trusting my own intuition are the answers and the source of all of my tools.

I learned that it is imperative that I own my own shit.

I learned to speak up for myself, and as much as I was afraid of the fallout, I had to SPEAK UP.  No one else was ever going to do it for me, no matter how much I devoutly wished that someone else would have spoken up for me.

Nope, I sat on my hands and watched the process happen over and over concerning others, and I never thought that it involved me, or what I could have been doing.

I thought those people were my friends, and when I lost some of those friends, I didn’t know what to think.

And I learned that some people in the Heathen community were not my friends.  They manipulated me, and they will manipulate others too.  But I feared that I wouldn’t have a community if I spoke up, or if I walked away from those folks, those citizens of the Omelas …and for that reason, I preserved the status quo in many ways, without even realizing that I was becoming the sort of person that disturbed me.

I even fell for some verbal masturbation in another group dynamic of the highest order and *that* spread across several other communities (including non-Pagan communities).

And I fell for it, because I wanted so badly to believe, to be accepted.

My father used to say, Question every damned thing…but I have no excuse but to say that my blind belief in the infallibility of my own discernment, let alone others’ discernment – led me to believe what I wanted to believe.  And that was my downfall.

I learned that lesson hard, and I am still dealing with the fallout of my mistakes.

There are manipulators out there who will try to convince you that they have your best interests.  They might  tell you that they speak for the community, or that they speak for the Gods (in regards to Pagan communities).  If I learned anything in the past six months, I learned that it is best to let others speak only for themselves, and in the case of Gods, that is best left to one’s own discernment rather than someone else’s.

Watch out for the human agendas.

Pay close attention to the behavior of the members of your community.  How does the community deal with dissenting/unpopular opinions?   Issues in most large groups always have the potential to devolve into human political drama, but when what started small goes unchecked…communities can quickly become polarized, and things can get ugly before you know it.

Sometimes, often, people are fallible and don’t understand as much or as well as they hoped that they could.

I don’t even know how to put it into words, but you must trust yourself.  You must trust yourself first.

Please don’t let anyone else tell you that they are saying something to you for ‘your own good.’

And please, in the regards to possessory work in the Pagan community, question those whose messages begin with

‘[This God] told me that I must tell you…’

Question that message especially hard if that message comes out of the blue, especially if it comes unsolicited.

Look for patterns in your own life.

Do they jibe with what feels right to you?  Trust your instincts.

In the case of Gods, does what you’re being told jibe with the impression that you get from Them on other occasions?  (Because if a horse/spiritworker has an agenda, that agenda will become apparent… eventually.)

And so I must thank that person who warned me a full year and a half in advance about some of those people that I allowed myself to fall in with.  The person didn’t exactly name names, but I ignored the warning because I wasn’t ready to see what was being said, just like always.

But nearly everything that that helpful person had warned me about has come to pass, but I ignored zir words.  I ignored the pattern.

As well, regarding my spiritual relationship,  I had a spiritworker tell me, don’t feel as if you must have the devotional relationship that you think that you should have.  Let Him tell you what He wants.  And He did…oh He DID, but I, being me, being human, wanted what I wanted.  In the end, He still got what He wanted…but I learned some terribly difficult lessons in that interim of three years ago to now.  Am I angry with Him?  No, because all He ever asked of me was that I should trust Him, and I didn’t.  Sometimes I still don’t, because my dad taught me to question damned near everything.

One would think that I would know better, but I didn’t.

So with that in mind, the good mentor welcomes being challenged, being questioned.  You are learning, and the purpose of the mentor is simply to assist you toward your inevitable path.  But it is a path that only you must walk, that only you can walk.  The mentor doesn’t necessarily walk with you, since we all must must walk our own paths.  So don’t be afraid to question your mentors.

And on that note, you don’t have to listen to me, either.  You can discredit this post entirely if you’d like.

Hel, if you choose, you don’t have to listen to your friends, or your mentors, or even listen to Them….no matter how many clue by fours that They –and the Universe – throw at you.

Believe you me, you’ll get the message if you’re supposed to hear it.  Eventually.

And if you don’t get the message, then the message becomes a lesson.

If you don’t learn your lesson, then the lesson becomes an issue. 

And if you don’t recognize the issue, then the issue becomes the problem. 

And if you don’t fix the problem, then the problem becomes a full-blown crisis.

And me being me, I’ll admit that I chose to ignore the messages until I had moved the story all the way to full blown crisis mode.

I’ve gotten the gist of the fact that often the melodramatic is what I notice best at times….and so such things being what they are, that’s always been my work.

Shit wasn’t just about to get real, shit got real, moved in with a squatters rights mentality, and lived rent-free in my head for quite a while there.

So I’d like to point out that you can trust yourself, you can trust Them if that helps you, but you don’t have to trust me.

I’m learning just like you.


I was angry.  I was sad.  I was afraid.

I may have even been a bit too into my cups there, but I am more than sober now…and I don’t care.

Let them come.

Let the community – kink, Heathen, Pagan, Lokean – let them come and say (and do!) what they will.

Loki’s my God, and if He’s your God too, you know what to do.

Speak your mind.  And stand up for what you say.

And don’t you dare stop speaking the truth …even if it gets you kicked out of the goddamned party.

Month for Loki, Day 19: Dance.

Let yourself be out of control.

Welcome the crumbling of the walls that you put up.

Wallow in that ecstasy.

Let go of all that you think that you are.

Let go of all that you thought that you were.

None of it works for you anymore.

Would you like to see yourself made new?

I’m here to break things down for you…

Dance with Me!