A life in threes

Month For Loki, Day 13: Lover.


You deserve a lover

who wants you disheveled,

with everything

and all the reasons that wake you up in a haste

and the demons that won’t let you sleep.

You deserve a lover who makes you feel safe,

who can consume this world whole

if he walks hand in hand with you;

someone who believes that his embraces

are a perfect match with your skin.

You deserve a lover

who wants to dance with you,

who goes to paradise every time

he looks into your eyes

and never gets tired

of studying your expressions.

You deserve a lover who listens when you sing,

who supports you when you feel shame

and respects your freedom;

who flies with you and isn’t afraid to fall.

You deserve a lover who takes away the lies

and brings you

hope, coffee, and poetry.

*Frida Kahlo*

(shared by Lee Harrington)


Month for Loki, Day 12: Trust and vulnerability.

(AKA: On a related note….)

So, several hours ago, I was meditating again – with Loki in mind – and I thought about what direction that I should take with my writing project.

In typical fashion, I scribbled some thoughts down.


And then I came to a realization.

For a while, I had wondered exactly why Loki sometimes approached me in dreams, often borrowing the faces of past lovers, especially those of the male switches whom I’d known in the BDSM community.  The fact that He would approach me in such a manner – much less in the role of an attentive male submissive – baffled me.

It seemed a fluke at first, and I was ready to write it off, until I knew Him better – and yet, even still, He would occasionally show up in that guise – sometimes, even as Himself.

So, it got me to thinking about that class that I had taught at several kink lifestyle events in the springs and summers of 2010-12 – back when He was starting to show up in my life again.  And it slowly dawned on me that there was only one class that I taught that really drew a crowd, and it was my favorite class to teach…

It was titled ‘Words as Ordeal’ –  and it was mostly an educational/discussion class about verbal humiliation, degradation and ‘catharsis scenes’ – and I taught it from my point of view being  a submissive who enjoyed that particular sort of intense ‘play’ scene.

I taught it from the point of view that, in some ways, this form of ‘catharsis scene’ could be conveyed as the submissive (or ‘bottom’) seeking to lead the dominant (or ‘top’) into the woods of the (submissive’s) mind.

‘Leading [one] into the woods’ [or likewise ‘into the darkness, or into the basement, or the ‘deep end of the pool’] is a stunningly apt metaphor for this sort of powerful scene.

But what it wasn’t, I hastened to add, was a submissive ‘topping from below.’  Creating this sort of cathartic- and often powerfully transformative -scene was not topping from below.

Because there is nothing manipulative or disrespectful about allowing someone access to one’s mind.

Rather, such access can only be granted in the context of granting one another consent based upon an enormous amount of trust and vulnerability 

But to think on it now, I realize that the truth of the matter is, I could never allow a dominant/top total access to my mind.


So, in retrospect, it is no wonder that Loki wanted to be the submissive and use my own teaching methods on me.


Perhaps, He wasn’t about leading me to His mind as much as He was leading me to my own mind, and/or asking for access to my mind Himself.

Trust Me to know you, He would say.

I realize today that a lot of the work that Loki and I do together could be framed this way.

So in the end maybe there should be no surprise in this stunning bit of pandoramancy that comes up often on my Loki-music playlist:

Are you going with Me, because I’m going with you….because this is what it’s like when worlds collide…*


And in that, I realize that in approaching me with the submissive persona, He was asking for my trust.  He was asking me to trust Him to know me and to lead me to where I needed to be to do work for Him.

This is hard to explain.

But all these things are related in a spiderweb of metaphors.

He wanted me to trust Him to lead me by asking me if I knew how to lead Him, using these familiar BDSM paradigms that I had been entrenching myself in over the last two decades or so.

Lead Me to where you are, He would say in dreamspace. Teach Me the way

(But He knew how – He was just waiting for me to trust Him enough/trust myself enough to admit: that I couldn’t give Him permission until I’d given myself permission.  Permit Me to see you.  Permit Me to know you, as He would often suggest.)

Permission is the cornerstone of consent.

In BDSM, one always has the right to give permission, no matter what side of the power dynamic that one is on.

Despite what some may think, the submissive role is just as powerful as the dominant role, because it is the trust between the submissive and the dominant and the strength of trust within their relationship dynamic that makes for a powerfully spiritually transformative scene.

Even more so, an ordeal/catharsis scene is an exercise in trust and vulnerability.

In my Words as Ordeal classes – where verbal humiliation and degradation was often the means to bring about catharsis and transformation – I taught a lot of student-Dominants.

Sometimes, over two-thirds of the class would identify as Dominant, but this did not surprise me.

Because Dominants/tops are usually the ones who must be entrusted to be able to access the submissive’s most vulnerable aspects – creating scenes fueled by the force of the submissive’s deepest emotions – pain, fear, rage, and sadness.  There may be several ‘goals’ to a scene – but most catharsis scenes hinge upon creating a deeper emotional connection, and an overall sense of empowerment for the submissive (and sometimes, the Dominant.)


Perhaps, in this regard, Loki wanted to put me through various cathartic ordeals to discover my own vulnerabilities.

Personally, Our scenes were ones that featured accessing fears, needs, and confronting several forms of vulnerability and control – receiving acts of service, allowing myself to drop into trance states, or at the most intense, confronting my darkness/hunger/shadow-self.

And sometimes, this is the hardest part – just allowing Him to bring me to orgasm was an act of trust and vulnerability, in itself.


In 2012, it was also at a time in my life when I was gravitating more toward the masculine side of my genderfluidity,  and Loki pointedly suggested that He wanted to push me out of the comfort zone of masculinity by asking me to present as female.

And it wasn’t just that He wanted to see me wear dresses…it seemed that He wanted me to get in touch with something He referred to as the vulnerability of receiving.‘  

I am open to you, He would insist, I want to see you open, and I want you to get comfortable with your body as it is.

And We worked a lot of particular aspects of receiving in our interactions, and to this day, there’s a particular sensual act that brings me to a trance state faster than anything else I’ve ever done because, in the beginning of that work, I found myself using a trance induction tactic to relax myself enough to allow myself to receive/accept pleasure from it.

As well, to see Him open – to hear His words of opening – was the headiest thing.   When He said His words of opening, and He would take position/posture, it always struck me as a profound and sacred thing.   Honestly, the most obvious issue I had with His taking on the submissive’s role was that I, like any dominant, had to not only acknowledge/recognize Him in His chosen role, I had to allow Him and receive Him and His ‘gift.’

Some BDSM practitioners recognize a spiritual/emotional component to the submissive role, and some submissives refer to this component as ‘the gift of submission.’

And, in a sense, it is a ‘gift.’   It is the ‘gift’ of allowing another access to one’s body, and to an extent, one’s mind, in the dynamic.  It is allowing another to share in a journey of release and surrender.

Some submissives will tell you that they live to please their dominant, that submission is about experiencing pleasure by providing service to another.  And yes, I can understand that.  As a service person, that does resonate with me – but though, pleasure is pleasure – the submissive must also allow the sensations, the impact, the act of service itself to affect the self as well. The goal is to be open, to be transparent, and to trust completely in the experience.

But could I be open and trust completely in the experience of Our interactions?

I learned sex magic this way.

But the sex magic lessons were simply a preparation for…seidhr.

Receiving.  Trusting. Opening.

The essence of seidhr and trance is, for me, a state of vulnerability.  But that vulnerability came on the heels of a powerful state of arousal/awakening/opening sensation that required a lot of trust for me to settle into.

I understand now how the lessons intertwined.

In terms of ergi, Loki is not afraid to receive, to be a conduit, to be the receptacle at times, of magical transformations.

But, by the same token, He was not adverse to saying Lay back now and receive.  Allow Me. Receive Me.

And I did watch others as they received Him during seidhr, and I wondered how -or if ever – I would be able to do that.  I watched and listened as others would ‘horse’ Him and I wondered how that was done.  I thought about the concept of ergi – and the vulnerable power inherent in being the receptacle, the receiver, the one who submitted/surrendered control and made space for another within the energetic space of their bodies.

Allow yourself to be vulnerable with Me.  Open.  Trust.  Breathe.

The first lessons involved discussion of energy and physics.  Manifestation and language.

Then, the lessons focused on BDSM, sensuality and sex.

The next lessons involved trance and seidhr.

All lessons required a profound level of trust, openness, and vulnerability.


And yet, 3 years later…I was still not allowing Him full access.

It had all started with His assertion:

You are an energetic being.

Then,  His insistence:

You are a force of love.

After that, the request:

 Allow Me to love you.   Allow Me to give you pleasure.

And He was rather skilled with His sex metaphors.

But then, certain aspects about O/our interactions slowly shifted towards trance and seidhr metaphors.

The article that appeared on a spiritual studies forum putting forth the premise that sexual foreplay is an act of mutual self-hypnosis.  That foreplay is simply the act of allowing oneself to enter into a brief but communal trance with another person. (Update: I found the reference!)

How both sexual arousal and hypnotic trance share common bodily response indicators – that both are states of arousal/awareness that are similar in many ways – the prime similarity being that both states require one to accept/enter a state of vulnerability.

The nakedness of the body; the nakedness of the mind.

Relax your body; Relax your mind.

Cum with Me; Come with Me.

And so We did….to some degree.


And so, this is me talking about it.  I don’t know how to be succinct about this – but these are forms of energy magic: sex magic and trance magic.

Trance and seidhr are about vulnerability and power.  Surrendering the ego briefly to allow other energies/powers to come through and speak to you and through you.

It’s about access, allowing access.

Trusting the Gods to see into all the little corners of your self, to know all of you in all of your aspects, and to use all you know and how you speak….to make Themselves known and heard.

There’s definitely that aspect of seidhr that the volva is a conduit.

And as I had learned in BDSM, there are the roles of givers and receivers, powers and conduits of power… and even when trust and vulnerability is offered, consent is still required.  

These are all metaphors, and powerful ones at that.

Loki began as my teacher.

And then, He became my Lover to teach me still –

about trust and vulnerability,

about receiving and acceptance,

about consent and power


in the act of sex,

in the act of submission,

and in the act of seidhr.