bloodteethandflame

It’s been 12 years now, since I had that little ceremony at the house of a person who is no longer a friend (who, perhaps, never was), and while I have inwardly debated if this day should still have meaning, I realize that in these past few years, my stubborn foolish heart keeps wanting to mark this day as a meaningful one.

Even if it is still true that I don’t sense Them as readily or as easily as I once did.

Even if I feel like a bit of a hypocrite to be in despair over the effects that I don’t experience from the work that I haven’t been doing these last five years.

As a matter of fact, in all honesty, I have been in a rather deep depression.

Still.

Looking over the trajectory of the last year (or two!) I feel as if I’ve had a lot more bad days than good days.

The Year of the Snake was difficult and even more energetically static than the year before.

I don’t think I’ve shed anything or transformed in any way.

If anything, I wonder if I’ve sunk deeper and clung harder to all of those situations that I’d wanted to release, out of fear, or perhaps, out of a misplaced need to cling to a particular sort of misery simply because it is familiar to me.

As a matter of fact, to consider that, if this is the Year of the Fire Horse – a time that calls for bringing dynamic movement into one’s life – I’ll admit that I’ve not only lost the plot, but I’ve dropped the reins of my life once again.

(And unfortunately not in that way of conscious surrender that They had asked of me so long ago.)

Fuck.

So.

Let’s just jump to the part about this morning’s pandoramancy/divination (cos even if I feel empty, I still find myself reaching out once in a while)

So I asked in my way for a message, for a sign, and then I did that simple little ritual that I still find myself doing, hoping for a moment of connection.

serotonin by girl in red came up

Ah, yes.

Well.

How incredibly, hauntingly apt.

Intrusive thoughts, indeed.

All of it.

cue the lump in my throat.

(Oh You know me…)

And then, as it goes, I asked aloud, loud enough to have startled my elderly dog, though not really caring if the bicyclists riding past thought I was just some sad, crazy person with the ear buds, suddenly blurting into their cellphone:

OK. So what is the answer to that?

Please tell me what You’d like me to know.

And then, it was Our Lady Peace, Clumsy.

Gods.

And then I cried, unsure if it was out of terror or gratitude, out of disbelief or relief that THAT was the response.

Coincidence? Apophenia?

Perhaps.

(Is the universe rarely so lazy?)

I don’t know.

Happy Anniversary, indeed.