bloodteethandflame

A life in threes

Category: conversation

Nineteen minutes.

I wasn’t meditating.

I was simply enjoying some quiet time after dinner, relaxing on my bed with eyes closed, letting thoughts run through my head…

I wasn’t actively thinking of L, but then, suddenly, I saw His face.

I wasn’t sleeping -I hadn’t any intention of sleeping – and yet I could see Him in front of me.  I did a body inventory to check to see if I was dreaming.  What was unusual was that I could still hear my kid (K) talking loudly in the kitchen, so I figured that I couldn’t have been dreaming.  As a matter of fact, I could have easily followed the conversation that K was having with his brother in the kitchen – if I had to – and yet I was also experiencing this vision of L behind my closed eyelids.

I thought of how I could open my eyes.

I thought of how I could move and that vivid image of L sitting on a green hillock overlooking a valley below would have likely faded back to grey as these images usually do

… and yet I couldn’t shake it from my mind.

So I opened my eyes briefly, testing my theory, and upon closing, He remained…just as before.  He was dressed in a pair of black jeans and a light blue shirt.  He was, as usual, barefoot.  I was standing a few feet behind Him, and He was sitting in the grass, looking over His shoulder at me, looking up at me.

I examined His face, trying to commit the details of His present form to memory: He had blue eyes, and His long hair didn’t match up with either His eyebrows or the stubble that shadowed along His jaw, as both were several shades darker than the bleached blonde of His hair.  He had those familiar scars along His lips, that sarcastic grin…and He had facial piercings.

I couldn’t tell if He was going for ‘surfer dude’ or ‘suburban hipster.’

It struck me as strange, and I wondered if this was a sort of amusing game to Him; He kept tossing  His head as if He was striking poses for me, and yet He slyly commented that I should stop trying to mentally inventory His face, and actually talk to Him for a change.

He was right in a way; perhaps I was trying to mentally inventory His face.

But what struck me was that I was neither sleeping, dreaming, nor meditating, and yet, I was *seeing* Him.

And even more unusual, when I tried to dispel the vision, it stayed in my mind’s eye.

So, you would not want to see Me? He pouted. He sat up straight, clasped His knee to His chest, and tilted His head prettily.

Sit with Me.

But all I could think of was how graceful was the curve of His neck as He looked up at me, and how seeing Him, feeling His presence like that suddenly engendered specific thoughts in my head that left me to grin like a smitten fool.

Perhaps you are, He drawled, and what of that?

(Perhaps those sudden thoughts that I think should remain unspoken.)

~~~~

We talked for what seemed like two or three  hours, on that hillock overlooking the valley below.

I felt the rain on my face as He drew complex diagrams in the dark soft dirt.  Perhaps we talked of magic or runes or other matters entirely full of important points that could only be conveyed with the help of visual representations.

I’m not entirely certain of every thing that We discussed; I mostly remember His laughter and the steady humming patterns of His voice, along with those diagrams.

For once, I didn’t do much talking.

For once, I was simply content to listen to Him.

Talk less; listen more.

~~~

Another odd feature of  this interaction was that this discussion which seemed to have lasted for two hours…

actually only lasted 19 minutes.

From 9:00 to 9:19pm

Hmm.

 

 

 

Month for Loki, Day 26: Slacker.

It’s not as if I didn’t think about Loki today.

 

I just spent oh like maybe 2 or 3 hours talking about Him.

Otherwise, I was a slacker.

I promise that I will write a real entry tomorrow.

 

I swear ❤

Month for Loki, Day 6: Building community, building energy.

Sometimes I think that I have forgotten what’s important.

So I attended a discussion recently on building community.

I had hoped that attending this discussion would give me some hands-on strategies for building community….instead, I realized something else entirely.

It turns out that this particular ‘building community’ discussion definitely had a particular Lokean spin on it for me.

From the start, the invited speaker admitted that the basis of his philosophy of community that he was there to discuss was based upon the premise that we are all energetic beings – made of energy – and that we are all looking for love in this world.

Following that, he continued along that love is pure energy in itself and that is what we seek to get for ourselves but it is also what we seek to share with each other .

The whole thing about energy, he insisted, could be explained entirely through physics:

Energy is never destroyed, it just changes form.

We are energy contained in a body temporarily but our energy is timeless and limitless and ancient.  In a sense, we are made of similar stuff as the Gods are made.  We are as much of Them as They are of us, and that is what attracts Them to us, and us to Them.

Simply put, we are energy carried through time and we are just trying to grow and learn.

Therefore, the meaning of life is to love and to grow and to experience ‘being’.

And I almost cried because it finally connected in my head: That is what He has been talking about, what He is always talking about, when He says:

You are energy.  You are a force of love. 

Let your love be the energy that it is, pure and simple. 

Get away from agendas and petty concerns and the shit that gets tied up in what humans manufacture to keep themselves from that truth.
It’s not that this is the first time that this has ever blown my mind –  because I know this.

I am in a perpetual state of my mind being blown open by that truth; I am always learning and re-learning that truth.

It seems to be the only truth: Be.  Just allow yourself to be.  Experience ‘being’  Love is sharing that experience of being.  We are all made of that energy.  Make it positive not negative.  Move forward, don’t get mired.

I learn; I forget.

Meanwhile, when I forget, I get mired again in petty human manufactures.

And I have to remind myself constantly that these worries, these fears that I have are manufactured; that I can choose to ignore manufactures that hurt me, that seek to constrain joy, constrain the full manifestation of being.

I have to remind myself that I am not damaged; I am no more or no less of the energy that I was at the beginning of time.
And that is a comforting thought.
Nothing has been destroyed.  The existence of energy is permanent; anything else is just details, window dressing, constraints. 
You are not broken; you’ve just forgotten that you are an energetic being who has gotten mired in manufactured constraints.
Let others be. 

If you can help another to realize the constraints, fine.  But, ask yourself: are you adding to their constraints with your own petty constraints?  

(I hate to admit it, but…probably.)
So. Let those go. 

That is not who you are. 

That is not who they are. 

So. If  I can help someone see that we are all just energetic beings – made of energy having a human experience – rather than being a rock or a tree or a timber wolf this go-round – then I have done all I can do?

Pretty much.

Just love.  Just be.  Seek joy.  Be the joy that is in this world.  Grow.  Help others grow.  Remember what you are.

~~~

RamDassquote

 

The Hypothetical Chicken Sandwich: a conversation.

Scene: A popular restaurant where I frequently have lunch.

(I am looking at the menu, and I realize much to my dismay that the restaurant no longer offers the version of chicken sandwich that I love.)

Me: (dismayed at the lack of my favorite chicken sandwich.)

L: But look!  There’s a new version of your chicken sandwich.

Me: I don’t want to try that new sandwich.  What if… I hate it?

L: Well.  Have you ever considered what if… you love it?

<trolls>Oh no…you just might! <trolls>

So.  I suggest that you try that sandwich.

Me: I might.

L: You should. *grins*

Me: (orders the sandwich)

L: ….

Me: OK.  I think…I think I love it.

L: *eyeroll* This is… My not-surprised face.

~~~Later~~~

Me: Hopefully, in my next life, I’ll be more easygoing and cheerful.

L: Tell Me why you couldn’t be more easygoing and cheerful in this life.

Me: It’s too late.

L: It’s never too late to decide to be happy.

~~~

So, this seems to have become a thing.

‘Hypothetical chicken sandwich’ seems to be our conversational shorthand for a moment when I refuse to adapt or choose to fight an inevitable change:

chicken_sandwich