bloodteethandflame

A life in threes

Category: Loki

Food for Thought.

I was talking with a friend about an hour ago, regarding an article that someone else had posted concerning how – theoretically – if one were to consider structures in nature as ‘order’ (the natural order of things in a system) then attempts by humans to impose their own concepts or systems of ‘order’ upon natural structures by other means (by sorting, categorizing, or classifying) is therefore a form of ‘disorder,’ because such imposition is creating artificial (unnatural) systems:

I  this graphic. Artificial order imposed upon systems *is* chaos because they’re useless to anybody BUT those utilizing the artificial order system.

To the greater system itself? It’s meaningless. Piles? Columns? Sorting by type? That’s all concessions to the limitations of our cognitive systems.

Sure, our cognitive systems are natural too – even the artificial/natural distinction isn’t “quite” right.

But in the greater scheme, the one where humans are optional, those piles and sorting is chaotic and meaningless.

kennerhudutchaosvsorder
~~~

I’d never thought of order or disorder as being defined this way, and yet, I have been thinking of the relation between the concepts of ‘order’ and ‘disorder’ a lot lately.  It began, as most things do, with a simple conversation in a Rokkatru group concerning someone’s UPG of the Aesir representing ‘order’ and ‘civilization’ in the cosmos while the Rokkr represent ‘nature’ and a ‘natural sort of disorder.’ Of course, there was discussion of how nature has its own sense of ‘order’ – but how, from the point of  view of ‘civilization,’ nature’s sense of order is random and therefore,  considered by civilization to be ‘disorder.’   As well, others discussed the concepts of open and closed systems and how a closed system eventually falls apart because it can’t self-sustain and whatnot, and things quickly became rather meta.

And being a Rokkatru group, of course, this discussion wound its way towards discussion of Ragnarok, and the role of Loki, Fenrir, and Surtr in bringing on the end of the world.  The world is a closed system and the role of the Rokkatru is to bring about the destruction of this closed system in order to make way for a new (and perhaps more open) system.

And so, it’s odd but not surprising to me that that conversation gave me a headache…because chaos theory usually does.

~~~

But then, there I was again tonight, having a conversation about order and disorder again, but this time, it was on a smaller scale.

I was talking to my friend about how Loki has laughed at me concerning my OCD need to arrange the items in a specific configuration on His altar, or my habit of overthinking that is a hallmark of my social anxiety, or my inability to let things go and/or trust the process.

I have no problem admitting that I am sort of control freak regarding several aspects of my life and practice.  And my friend agreed that she has some of those issues too.

And then, she said a funny-strange but interesting thing that hit me like a ton of bricks:

She said that her life as a child was hellish and the only way that she could have control over her environment was to draw. The only world that she could control could be found at the end of a pencil.  So she drew pictures and created stories.  She created worlds.  She told me how Loki told her that her best artwork seemed to come when she experienced personal turmoil.  How He has asked her why she would draw, and she told Him it made her happy.  But the truth was that she was often unhappy/angry/miserable while drawing.  (And, of course, He noticed that.)

Well, that reminded me of my own artistic coping strategies.

Honestly, I suppose that it’s nothing new, but I wrote and drew my way through a miserable childhood…and adolescence…and fuck, I *still do.*

And yeah, that realization, of how I tried to make sense of confusing experiences by filling up notebooks, and drawing my imaginary friends, and how much it shocks me to think that it wasn’t just me being escapist.

That art was …that art is a rather dysfunctional coping mechanism for me.

I don’t make money with it.

It doesn’t make me happy.

Things still pile up in my head, and writing them, drawing them doesn’t serve to make me any more sane or stable.

And it sure as hell doesn’t help me or my loved ones to understand me any better than before.

It’s just another method I hide behind. (Funny -autocorrect suggests that the word ‘method’ should actually be ‘met God’ over and over.  No, I’ve never met God by writing or drawing. Psht. I should be living.)

Perhaps my incessant writing and drawing are what I do to keep myself from meaningfully engaging with others.

who knows.

…and the world shall open up to receive your joy.

I’ve been meaning to post about some lovely things that have been happening in my life.

I’ve been collecting up these bits of joy, and out of a habitual fear of jinxing things, I’ve been keeping these things to myself.

But I am getting the impression that my cautious optimism will no longer do:

“…and the world shall open up to receive your joy.”

~~~

mala

Recently, I ordered this Loki mini- mala from Beth and I received it in the mail the other day.

Since my family and I were hosting guests from out of town the day that package arrived, I put it aside to open later, perhaps the next day.

Well, things got busy, and our guests lingered for a few days.

 

However, my thoughts kept straying to the package.

I’ve never had a mala before, to be honest, I was looking forward to having some time to myself to fully immerse myself in the use of this one.

And finally, almost a week later, I finally got my chance to open the package, hold them and pray with them.

*squeee*

 

This mala is truly a pleasure to work with.

(But then again, I think that could be said about every ‘touch bead’ item that I’ve ever purchased from Beth, as this mala joins a small collection of prayer beads – two of which she has also made – that reside on my Loki altars.)

But this mala has the addition of a black silk tassel that I absolutely love to touch – and the beads!

The beads just slide effortlessly through my fingers.

I am continually impressed with how Beth’s choice of bead (size, weight, and texture) always seems to be spot-on energy-wise in every prayer item that she has made that I have purchased.

As well, Beth enclosed a beautifully handwritten(!) prayer card with the mala:

IMG_3544

While I admit that I referred to it the first few times I prayed, the words and imagery of this suggested prayer served as a lovely jumping-off point for creating my own personal prayer as I moved through the beads during later sessions.

That alone was pretty powerful…and things got even more interesting when I began praying with my own words.

~~~

There was a personal prayer that I would offer back when I was just beginning my devotional practice with Loki in 2011.  I was transitioning from the mindset of a skeptical agnostic to making my first attempts at opening up to being a devotional polytheist.

It was at that time in my life that a specific prayer had nearly become a daily mantra that I would return to whenever I was full of doubt.

It was a prayer about letting go of anger, pain, and fear… and opening up to trust, to joy, and to love.

 

So, fast forward to last night.

I’d gone through several cycles of prayer.

Perhaps my brain was casting about for something else, but I found myself returning to the beginning of things, and when I began speaking the words–

May I let go of my pain and open to joy….

I inexplicably felt the need to pause

Because suddenly I just knew!

There had always been a response:

and the world shall open up to receive your joy.

~~~

These beads are full of such warmth.

They feel as if they are bursting with a bright expansive energy.

Loki is just so present in them.

 

I am in love all over again.

~~~

Thanks Beth!

 

 

 

Kiss.

 I have no use for divine patience –
My lips are now burning and everywhere.
I am running from every corner of this earth and sky
Wanting to kiss you.

― حافظ

(Hafiz)

~~~

Anniversary

surrendertolove

I am not the first person you loved.
You are not the first person I looked at
with a mouthful of forevers. We
have both known loss like the sharp edge
of a knife. We have both lived with lips
more scar tissue than skin. Our love came
unannounced in the middle of the night.
Our love came when we’d given up
on asking love to come. I think
that has to be part
of its miracle.
This is how we heal.
I will kiss you like forgiveness. You
will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms
will bandage and we will press promises
between us like flowers in a book.
I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat
on your skin. I will write novels to the scar
on your nose. I will write a dictionary
of all the words I have used trying
to describe the way it feels to have finally,
finally found you.
And I will not be afraid
of your scars.
I know sometimes
it’s still hard to let me see you
in all your cracked perfection,
but please know:
whether it’s the days you burn
more brilliant than the sun
or the nights you collapse into my lap
your body broken into a thousand questions,
you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I will love you when you are a still day.
I will love you when you are a hurricane. ॐ

– Clementine von Radics

~~~

Happy Anniversary to

my sweetest friend

and

my most Beloved

Loki

Crash…into me.

You’ve got your ball
you’ve got your chain
tied to me tight tie me up again
who’s got their claws
in you my friend
Into your heart I’ll beat again
Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock
and sweet you roll
Lost for you I’m so lost for you

You come crash into me
And I come into you
I come into you
In a boys dream
In a boys dream

Touch your lips just so I know
In your eyes, love, it glows so
I’m bare boned and crazy for you
When you come crash
into me, baby
And I come into you
In a boys dream
In a boys dream

If I’ve gone overboard
Then I’m begging you
to forgive me
in my haste
When I’m holding you so girl
close to me

Oh and you come crash
into me, baby
And I come into you
Hike up your skirt a little more
and show the world to me
Hike up your skirt a little more
and show your world to me
In a boys dream.. In a boys dream

Oh I watch you there
through the window
And I stare at you
You wear nothing but you
wear it so well
tied up and twisted
the way I’d like to be
For you, for me, come crash
into me

Sunshine Blogger Award

sunshine-award

Thanks Amber who nominated me for this award!

Here are the questions from Amber:

  • What drew you to blogging?

I have been keeping a journal – in notebook form – since I was 8 years old. (As a matter of fact, I still do write in my notebook journal nearly every day.)

In 2002, I began blogging at LiveJournal and the now-defunct OpenDiary in an attempt to keep in touch with friends that I’d made in various online (and offline) Pagan and kink communities.

  • How did you meet Loki?

This is a difficult question to answer, as it depends on how one would define ‘meeting’ Loki.

I’ve known of Loki since I was a kid, mostly due to the combination of my interests in reading world mythology, cultural lore, fairy tales and comic books.

As well, as I’ve written before, I had an imaginary/invisible friend as a child who ‘left’ me around age 9 or so.  Then I started writing – keeping a daily journal/diary, as well as writing short stories that featured several characters.  Then, around age 12, I also started drawing in an attempt to illustrate some of these stories, and there was a particular man whose face I drew a lot.

It isn’t a far stretch for me to admit that that man had been my childhood ‘invisible friend.’

But I didn’t think of my invisible friend again, until the spring of 2008, when my younger son became severely ill, and was in and out of the hospital for several months. Though my son was hardly ever alone (besides that my husband and I took turns staying overnights with him throughout each hospital stay), my 5-year-old son told me in April 2008 that a tall, friendly man would come to visit him in the hospital, and that once, the man brought his wife and two sons.  The first time that my son described this man – how he looked, what clothes he wore, even the way that he talked – I could not help but admit that this man seemed a lot like the ‘invisible friend’ that I’d had until age 9.  But I didn’t think that it could be possible. (I am still not certain if these were dreams my son had had or if these visits were brief waking-visions, but after the third visitation, my son informed me that this man had told him to tell me that of course (he) knows me because (he) was my friend a long time ago. O.o)

And I still didn’t want to admit that that could have been Loki.

That is, until mid-2011, when Loki began to visit my dreams, and actually identified Himself as such.

~~~

So, take of the above ^ as you will.

You could say that I met Loki when I was a young child.

Or you could say that I didn’t really know it was Him until 2008.

Or you could say that I didn’t want to admit that it was Him until He insisted on (re) introducing Himself to me in 2011.

 

  • How long have you been with Loki?

(See above.)

Since I was a kid, but I wasn’t really pushed to put it all together until 2011.

And even then, I didn’t officially dedicate an altar to Him until April 2012.

So what is that 3 years -4 years – officially?

Or should I say what He would likely say:  Forever, Heathir 

 

  • Do you interact with other gods than Loki? Who?

In 1997, I began to identify myself as a Celtic Pagan.  I had been studying the Celtic pantheon for a long time before, and I decided to dedicate a lot of my practice/devotion to the Morrighan, believing Her to be my patron Goddess.

But for some reason, things began to change around 2010 or so.  I had begun working on writing a book about the Morrighan, simply because I’d been studying Her in lore for years and there wasn’t a lot of discussion of Her at that time.  And though I couldn’t figure out why, the more that I attempted to gather information on the Morrighan, the more disconnected from Her I felt.

So, in February 2012 I received a divination that pointed me in the direction of Freyja, rather than the Morrighan.

For this reason, I have always had a permanent altar for Freyja ever since.  (Not surprisingly, both Loki and Freyja have interacted with me in an extension of that same sovereignty work that I’d attempted to do with the Morrighan years before.)

As well, before officially dedicating to Loki in 2014, I had had interactions with Dionysus, Baphomet, and Cernunnos. (Dionysus still shows up once in a while, but I’ve never maintained a permanent space for Him.)

I also offer to Freyr and Odin at times, and I maintain an altar for Hela.

  • Your favourite way to relax and unwind?

I have no set favorite way to unwind.

I like to walk in the woods.

I meditate.

I write.

I draw.

I like to crochet and do embroidery, as well.

  • Name one place you’ve never been but would love to visit.

Iceland.

  • What kind of music do you like?

I love all sorts of music. I can and do enjoy listening to all different genres of music.  I don’t have a favorite genre, but in terms of radio stations, you’ll find me listening to alternative rock, such as what would be found on DC 101 when I’m in the car.

  • What kind of books do you like?

Like music, I don’t have a favorite kind of book.  I’ve been reading a lot of mythology and cultural history lately, but I like a well-written suspenseful story no matter what the genre.  I also love reading anthologies of short fiction and poetry.

  • What’s your favourite song, and why?

As I’ve said above re:music, I don’t favor any particular genre of music, so I could not ever hope to choose a definitive ‘favorite song.’

But I can tell you that I have had Chris Cornell’s ‘Nearly Forgot My Broken Heart’ as an earworm for over a week now.  When I’m not humming that song, lately, it has been either Cold War Kids’ ‘First’ or Coleman Hell’s ‘Two Heads.’

  • Cats or dogs?

While I have no problem with cats – I suppose that I like them well enough as I have three of them living with me right now – I consider myself slightly more of a ‘dog’ person.

  • Tea or coffee?

Both.  I used to drink tea exclusively, but when I started to suffer from kidney stones, my doctor suggested that I should switch to drinking coffee instead.  So I drink 1 or 2 cups of coffee a day as a replacement for all that tea that I used to drink, but I still enjoy a good cup of hot spiced chai once in a while, or a tall glass of sweet iced tea.

Begin at the beginning.

grounded

^ This is the *head tap*

that I received this morning

from Mr. L and the Universe, courtesy of Facebook.

~~~

What a spectacular but quite necessary coincidence.

I suppose that it would surprise

no one

that my least developed chakra, as they say,

is my root chakra.

Of course.

I mean, why the hell not?

Sometimes, I am certain that Mr. L knows me better than I know myself.

The Other Side of Judgment and Fear

Another re-blog…but it is good and necessary food for thought today.

I highly recommend reading if you are prone to negative self-talk and worrying, (ie, ‘brain-weasels’)

elementhealing's avatarElement Mind Body Spirit

10455678_725352737533183_8291314173988878763_n

Hello everyone, welcome ❤

I was trying to get caught up reading and commenting to posts the other day and I came to a one that dray0308 from Dream Big Dream Often reblogged. The title of the post was “Worrying About Nothing” This post was about questioning yourself, your choices and decisions rather than just living and enjoying your life.

It’s sad how often we judge ourselves. We suffer under the crushing fear that we can’t live the life we want because we aren’t doing enough, we aren’t good enough, we aren’t smart enough, we aren’t pretty or handsome enough. We just aren’t, right enough.

I’ve been to that dark place. I spent 10 years struggling with little to no self esteem and believing everything bad in my life was my fault, that there was nothing I could do right. I spared no judgment against myself. I saw my son, how we…

View original post 441 more words

A small reminder.

I was walking my dog this morning, and I was thinking about Mr. L, and this little bit o’pandoramancy came up:

(Though, if I had to pinpoint it, I’d say that this is more what I would say to Him; not the other way ’round; but the point is taken <3)

 

Tumble Down In Love

Thank you Annie, for sharing your lovely words.

I needed these sweet words today.

~~~~

Tumble Down In Love

Come sweetheart

Come tumble down in love with me

Unveil yourself to this unanswerable desire

That echoes in our hearts

Whirling, in flight let it take us together

Into the velvet night

Where unspoken promises are understood

Whispered to us

Danced upon our acquiescent flesh

This dream is far too sweet

We love passionately

In a thousand different ways

The peaks blaze up against the sky

The petals that flow with our blood

Tremble in full bloom

Tender like water

Our passion runs like oncoming tides

We swim in a sea of stars

I am a bird in song impatient with desire

Your sure fingers sound the strings of my soul

Slowly, you release me

I breathe you in and we fall into dripping colours

At last we lie in sweet repose

Embraced by infinity itself

And so I drown in joy

And drown, and drown

Once more

© Ann Bagnall and AnnieB222.com, 2013.

Image: http://wallpaperwidehd.blogspot.com.au/2014/05/glowing-flowers-wallpaper.html

Source: Tumble Down In Love