bloodteethandflame

A life in threes

Tag: 3 AM

Up on the Roof

Lately, I’ve been having some medical issues that cause me some pain, so as you might imagine, I haven’t been sleeping as well as I would like.

So, there I was, early this morning, feeling tired and a little miserable, and suddenly, my brain was overcome with an odd ear worm.

I honestly don’t know what could have triggered me to start thinking about this song as I lay there in the dark, silent house.

It wasn’t even a song that I liked – and even worse, I didn’t even know who sang it – but I couldn’t get this song to stop looping it through my head endlessly

At first, it was just the bright little lazy melody, and then I recalled some words:

When this old world starts getting me down,

And people are just too much for me to face

It was ‘Up on the Roof’ by the Drifters.

(^^^ I had to Google that at 4 am)

And I will admit that it has been quite a while since I have had such a weird instance of pandoramancy.

But there you have it.

And once I found out who sang ‘Up on the Roof’ – it led me down a little bit of a nostalgic rabbit hole, which caused me to reach a few connections in my head.

It’s true that I have been able to relate to that message, as this old world *has* been getting me down, and I have been feeling a little emotionally overwhelmed lately.

While it was never one of my favorite songs, it was definitely one of my dad’s favorite songs…

He used to sing it out loud, often while he did yardwork, or while driving, and therefore, it definitely is a song that I could associate with my dad.

Sometimes, my dad would sigh heavily and then joke that he needed to get away, you know, I need to get up on the roof or something...but honestly, I never made that connection as to why he would say that he needed to get up on the roof after a hard day of working construction. (Which, ironically, sometimes required him to be up on a roof all day, working, so you can imagine why I would  wonder, ‘why? Does he want to go back to work? 🤔 )

You see, my dad could be kind of a misanthrope, or even a curmudgeon, and yet, thinking it over, I realized suddenly that the song wasn’t so much about the singer being a misanthrope as much as it could be some gentle advice about taking a break when you’re feeling overwhelmed…

And you know what?  Thinking on it, I realized that this past Sunday marked 17 years since my father passed away.

~~~

As well, this weird little circle-back thought occurred to me too, which recalled Rumi:

Well, I’ll take it.

*laughing nervously*

Well. OK then…

3 AM

3am on YouTube:

As it is with most people, I thought this song was about a romantic relationship.

But when this acoustic version of ‘3am’ came across my suggested YouTube feed today, I actually assumed it was going to be ‘3am (Breathe)’ by Ana Nalick.

Instead, I was surprised to see Rob Thomas at the piano, informing his audience that it was actually meant to be a song about his mother.  And he continued on about how when he was 12 years old, his mother was dying of cancer.

Upon hearing that, I suddenly burst into tears.

Not that my mother is dying of cancer, mind you, but I am estranged from her (for reasons which many of my longtime readers may be aware –but I don’t feel like repeating the long and sordid story of our toxic relationship right now….)
Though suffice to say, I sometimes find myself uselessly mourning for the relationship we did not have.

Related to this, I have been dreaming of my father – who did die of cancer – 10 years ago as of last month.
I have been dreaming of him a lot lately…and in every dream, he has come to me asking for me to make amends with my mother.

And of course, sometimes I cry about that too.  As much as I would like to oblige my father, I am a stubborn bastard just as much as my mother is. As well, while I know that what is wrong between us could likely have been fixed long ago if one of us could relent, I am tired of being the only one who relents …over and over.

You see, my mother is one of those people who can never admit to the wrongness of her behavior, and so it is unfortunate that she has continued to insist that she has ‘never done anything wrong.’

Thus I haven’t any contact with her since 2009.

And so here I am.