bloodteethandflame

A life in threes

Tag: Hail Loki

Month for Loki: Sixteenth

givemeagod

Hail Loki ❤

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Month for Loki, Thirtieth: Hail.

Hail to thee Loki of the dark and the light.
May your infinite flame be my torch in the night.
Hail Gammleid, lord of death and rebirth,
Who returns one and all to the womb of the earth.
Hail to thee, Hvedrung, the flame of the forge,
With all of your power to twist and transform.
Hail Ver Sigynjar, the father and spouse
And the gentle hearth-fire within your own house.
Hail bright Ve, who illuminates all;
Revealer of truth, by which the mighty do fall
Hail Lodur, the warmth in my loins and my veins,
Where the coiling serpent is all that remains.
Hail Loptr, the cunning of mind and of hand,
Born of the tree to give knowledge to man.
Hail Inn Bundi As, lord of vengeance and war
Who ends all worlds to create them once more.

-Dagulf Loptson,

from his book,

Playing with Fire: An Exploration of Loki Laufeyjarson

Aspodel Press, Hubbardston, MA.,

July 2015; p. 226.

Month for Loki, Day 10: Story

I feel like my throat is closing up.

My throat feels raw and it is painful to swallow.  My senses seem dulled as my sinuses are filled with congestion.

Perhaps this is nothing but a chest cold, a head cold.  My head feels as if I am under water, and there is a strange metallic taste in my mouth.  My eyes water and my muscles ache.

Perhaps this is really nothing at all besides my simply being sick.

But I am not telling my story.

I know my task.  I know what stories I have promised to tell and yet I am having trouble speaking of them. I am having trouble writing about them.

I know that He wants me to write of how things changed.

How Loki as the Teacher and the Magician slowly morphed into Loki as the Lover in mid-2013.

You see, my husband of 20 years was having an affair and that knowledge of that fact devastated me.

So Loki came forward, first to comfort, and then to strengthen and empower me in my feelings of brokenness and betrayal.

Ever the Teacher, He sought to show me –through use of Himself as an example – how I should be loved.  Simple as that: He sought to love me and to heal me with a fierce and steadfast tenderness that I continue to marvel over, even to this day.

But I didn’t want His love…in the sense that I felt that I could not possibly deserve it.  I did not believe that I deserved His fierce loyalty, His honeyed promises, His gentle touches.  Instead, I insisted upon a passionate, almost feral connection.

I was angry and avoidant.

I didn’t expect to be understood, much less, did I expect to be loved.

I pushed Him away.

I refused to see; I resisted recognizing Him as anything other than a Being Who could break me and I sought to be broken.

I wanted to experience the height of relationship that I had recently been teaching others about – I wanted to experience a consensual, BDSM-fueled dynamic.

But He refused.

Our ‘scenes’ were passionate, yes, but He refused to cause me any pain.

Though I begged for Him to transform me through pain, He responded:

Why? You have been through enough pain…and yet you have not learned.

So He approached me with care and kindness.  I daresay His behavior was all romance and gentility, and my response was I wanted desperately to shut down:

That is not for me, I wept and I raged, That has never been for me. I don’t believe in that.

And so I hid from Him.

I pushed Him so hard.

I dared Him to grab me by the neck and shame me like an errant puppy.

I waffled between fear and rage.

I was either afraid of Him or I was angry/despairing of Him.

I was insistent: You do not love me.  You cannot love me.  No one can.

But He simply smiled and blinked and continued to present Himself to me, in dreams.

He spread Himself out like water at my feet.

He stroked my face with tender hands.

He bowed down low, head to the ground, and asked me how He could serve.

To be honest, He was a better submissive than I ever could have been, and yet I still argued, how – why – what had I ever done to deserve such devotion, such heartfelt words, such considerate actions?  The acts of His submission were all rooted in my own personal repertoire, and yet He faced me with every single one of them, challenging me to consider Him and to receive Him as I sought to be received in the BDSM dynamic I craved/created with so many others.

Allow Me to care for you as you have cared for others. 

Allow Me. 

Allow Me, He whispered over and over.

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He often tried to convince me, cajole me into recognizing Him in the shape-shifting flurry of faces, of former play-partners and past lovers that I’d see in my dreams:

I see you. Do you see Me?

See Me.

Look Me in the face.

See Your Beloved.  I am here before you.

He demanded eye contact.  He accepted no less.

And still, I ran.  I avoided.  I cried.

I would not look Him in the eye.

But He was patient…and He was relentless.

~~~

By 2014, I stopped teaching at BDSM events.

Though I’ve been involved in ‘the scene’ for over 20 years now, I have not attended a BDSM event in two years.

(to be continued…)

Month for Loki, Day 2: Hail

Hail Loki, shape-strong Trickster, I honor You.
Hail Loptr, wily Sky-treader, I cherish You.
For those who offer you insult, I offer you praise.
For those who offer you mistrust, I offer you trust.
For those who offer you hate, I offer you love.
For those who offer you cursing, I offer you blessing.
For those who offer you ridicule, I offer you respect.
For those who offer you faithlessness, I offer you adoration.
For those who offer you indifference, I offer you devotion.
For those who offer you obstinacy, I offer you openness.
For those who offer you scorn, I offer you fidelity.
May my heart be fervent and my will be strong in these offerings.
Hail Loki, shape-strong Trickster, I honor You.
Hail Loptr, wily Sky-treader, I cherish You.

Elizabeth Vongvisith

 

Anniversary

surrendertolove

I am not the first person you loved.
You are not the first person I looked at
with a mouthful of forevers. We
have both known loss like the sharp edge
of a knife. We have both lived with lips
more scar tissue than skin. Our love came
unannounced in the middle of the night.
Our love came when we’d given up
on asking love to come. I think
that has to be part
of its miracle.
This is how we heal.
I will kiss you like forgiveness. You
will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms
will bandage and we will press promises
between us like flowers in a book.
I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat
on your skin. I will write novels to the scar
on your nose. I will write a dictionary
of all the words I have used trying
to describe the way it feels to have finally,
finally found you.
And I will not be afraid
of your scars.
I know sometimes
it’s still hard to let me see you
in all your cracked perfection,
but please know:
whether it’s the days you burn
more brilliant than the sun
or the nights you collapse into my lap
your body broken into a thousand questions,
you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I will love you when you are a still day.
I will love you when you are a hurricane. ॐ

– Clementine von Radics

~~~

Happy Anniversary to

my sweetest friend

and

my most Beloved

Loki