Legitimate.
Steak and potatoes for breakfast: totally legit.
bloodteethandflame
A life in threes
Tag: Loki
October 11, 2013
A Repetitive Argument
He tells me that he is the key, and I am the door.
He is the bridge to all that I must remember.
He thinks that keys aren’t as important as doors.
He doesn’t realize that not every door requires a key to open it.
He doesn’t realize
How I chose to close myself up
When they told me I was crazy,
And I learned how to hide
And get by in this world.
I think that I’d rather be a key or a bridge, or a means to an end
Than to be what I am,
Pining after the touch of a friend.
October 11, 2013
I Want Your Hands On Me
I had some things to say, but then I got to thinking how words get in the way, sometimes.
It’s 2 AM where I am
…and this is all I’d really want right this minute , anyway.
August 25, 2013
Oranges….and joy.
The Orange
At lunchtime I bought a huge orange
The size of it made us all laugh.
I peeled it and shared it with Robert and Dave—
They got quarters and I had a half.
And that orange it made me so happy,
As ordinary things often do
Just lately. The shopping. A walk in the park
This is peace and contentment. It’s new.
The rest of the day was quite easy.
I did all my jobs on my list
And enjoyed them and had some time over.
I love you. I’m glad I exist.
Wendy Cope
~~~
It’s been quite interesting both in — and out of — my head these past few days.
Things are happening, and some of that just feels as if things are finally coming together in a few important ways.
Lately, when I am writing or thinking about such things, I get so revved up that I feel that I must get up and move around to dispel some energy.
It’s strange — sometimes I almost want to read what I’m feeling as anxiety — but lately, it’s been feeling more like excitement, anticipation …maybe even joy.
Maybe joy is a kind of anxiety.
I was thinking and writing about the weekend, about the ring, and about the whiskey, and about all the things coming together — and suddenly, I just had to get up and move a bit.
It’s a good kind of excitement, I suppose.
I am learning.
I am happy.
~~~
July 7, 2013
Month for Loki #7: Sociable.
So I was laying on the bed last night, full of Fireball whiskey, and watching a spider make its way deftly across the ceiling.
I had just returned from a party, a Saturday barbecue, and as I lay there, I was thinking about Loki.
I was also thinking about how the party and all of the aspects of the party that had a Lokean stamp to them:
There was a prodigious variety of alcoholic beverages, much barbecuing of meat (seafood being the only meat that, surprisingly, wasn’t being grilled), multiple side vegetable and pasta dishes that, strangely enough, prominently featured bacon as a garnish, and of course, the dessert table was full of cake, chocolate, and various incarnations of alcohol infused cake and chocolate…and perhaps, even bacon, too.
I also noticed much revelry around me that Loki would have likely much appreciated: there was much dancing, singing, laughter, and argument that was rife with flirtatious wit and sexual innuendo between damned near everyone there.
(I was told these gatherings often ended with skinny-dipping and various poly folks sometimes coupling up into an inevitable sleepover until the next morning… though I left shortly after midnight, so I didn’t participate in that aspect of the festivities, actually.)
Nonetheless, I drifted off to sleep in my bed, with a drunken singalong rendition of “Shake Your Ass For Me” looping endlessly in my brain.
I was exhausted.
~~~
So what is my offering for Loki here?
I can be a socially anxious misanthrope.
Going to such a party as I’d attended last night often makes an exhausted wreck of me. One would not probably notice, but even if it is a party attended by people that I know and want to see/hang with, I still find myself making last-minute excuses not to attend such gatherings…or attending, and being a quiet, unassuming wallflower, nursing a tepid, weakly alcoholic beverage, and pushing down all the little anxieties that endless crop up in my brain, as people approach me. I nod and smile, and feeling like an anxious fraud — inwardly wondering, am I doing this right? Am I being sociable enough? Am I talking too much/enough?
Even though these are dear, beloved friends of mine greeting and embracing me at the door; these are folks that I’ve known for years talking to me. We are catching up on what has happened since we’ve seen each other last week, last month, last year. Sometimes, I find myself introducing myself to their partners, their friends, their acquaintances: “Do you know?…Oh, so nice to meet you!..I am….”
But there is inward self-talk going on, a pep talk if you will, as I reach out to each person, and it occurs often enough to run in the background of most of my social interactions with others at a crowded gathering of people.
I will be in the presence of friends. I am in the presence of friends….That is what I say to myself as I am preparing to go to such a gathering. Sometimes, I even find myself inwardly chanting this as I stand on the front step, just moments before I enter a friends’ home.
And, of course, that chant is after I’ve confronted the concept, at least once, of Not Going. It’s guaranteed that I’ve previously run through that script (the litany of Reasons Not to Go) at least once before any social interaction, no matter how small, or how much I’ve planned, or even looked forward to the interaction.
Allie Brosh might know what I mean.
And so, I attended this gathering, as I do all large gatherings featuring people and food and music, and I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. To interact, to laugh, to allow myself to enjoy myself.
I deny myself this way. This is one of the ways that I’ve told myself that I don’t need. I don’t Need to Go. Do I? I convince myself that I have reasons not to. So much easier not to engage. It might be emotionally easier to do this some other time. I make myself uncomfortable, I convince myself that Socializing Today is Something that I Cannot Do Today. I will see my friends some other day. I don’t need to see (insert name of friend) today.
But, then inevitably, I have always felt that nudge: Oh yes. Yes you do. Go.
If I have gotten far enough in my head to get there, then I might be telling myself, I don’t need again.
I don’t need to talk.
I don’t need to dance.
I don’t need to have a piece of cake.
I don’t need to participate. To talk, to dance, to eat a piece of cake requires opening up to participating in a party; it is the essence of a social experience, is it not? It is social interaction like talking, eating, dancing that makes a party.
So, there I am, at the party. I might have been talking. I might even be holding a plate of food. And if I have gotten that far, I might even be wondering as to whether or not I am enjoying myself. I try not to think about it.
I don’t need to enjoy.
And the nudging again, last night, always, to stop checking myself, to stop telling myself of what I need or do not need…
It’s OK to enjoy. Just relax.
Thankfully, last night, I got far enough out of my own head enough to socialize with some dear friends. I even introduced myself to a few new people. I ate some delicious barbecue, and drank some whiskey. I watched as some other acquaintances danced and flirted. I laughed and I shared a few stories. I might have even flirted a little. I sang along to the songs I knew.
All good, enjoyable interactions.
But…No, I did not dance. Perhaps some other time.
I laughed. I ate and drank and sang.
I interacted. I enjoyed.
That was enough for me. That was enough for last night, anyway.
Perhaps I will dance with my friends another time. Dancing at a party is a little bit beyond my comfort level, I think to myself.
But maybe it will not seem as far next time, I wonder.
There’s comfort in next time.
~~~
Hail Loki, pusher of boundaries. I will dance, next time. Next time.
May 2, 2013
Amicule deliciae num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
So I was close to grasping the meaning of my dream that I had the other night…
Now I’m pretty sure that I know what the ferryman in that dream was saying.
Do you know what that Latin quote means?
It means
‘ Baby, sweetheart, would I lie to you?’
All I can say is this:
I know who the ferry man is referring to, and it isn’t himself, of course.
Another case of ‘I see what you did there.’
and using sarcasm about lying to point me to the truth.
February 27, 2013
Drawing you into existence.
Sometimes, I wish that I could sit and write all day.
So much stuff on my mind.
But I wake up every day promising myself that I’ll get to the mundane things, like folding laundry, or sorting out the filing cabinets, but then, things occur to me.
I get ideas.
I have epiphanies.
Connections between things begin to strike me, and I have this incredible need to write them down…because I fear that I’ll forget what it was that I meant to say, what I sought to remember, and everything seems so fucking important.
Not so important as to share with the blogosphere as much as it’s important to me that I don’t forget the connections that I came to. I feel like I am remembering a lot of stuff that I had previously forgotten, lately.
So, I write in my notebook -my paper journal – and I promise myself that I will flesh it out later, and I hope that I don’t forget where I was going entirely, if I should find myself going back -after I’m done with the laundry — to read that rough outline of thoughts.
~~~
And other times, I get the urge to draw…and I wish that I could draw well enough to convey what is without words.
In that, too, sometimes I wish that I could sit and draw all day.
So this is me making a placeholder, of sorts, about a specific hit-me-like-a-ton-of-bricks moment that hit me this morning — about when I was younger — like age 11 or so — and how I used to draw incessantly.
And the subject matter concerned one particular thing.
There’s a connection there, today.
January 17, 2013
Open up.
I had an interesting dream the other night. Monday or Tuesday, maybe.
It was totally silent, as if I was watching a film of some sort, and there wasn’t any sound that I could hear in it. Several times I tried to speak, and no sound would come out. That alone disconcerted me a bit, since I am prone to nightmares that hinge upon me being unable to do something necessary and/or important, and this just seemed like another one of those.
Sometimes L shows up in these dreams — or rather lately, L has been showing up as himself rather than taking the face of someone else in these dreams — but he doesn’t talk.
He just looks at me, maybe smiles a little.
Sometimes he’ll make a gesture, such as pointing to something in the place that we’re in, or he’ll be holding something in his hands that he’ll be wanting to show me.
Sometimes, I just see him in the background, somewhere…like we are playing a game of Where’s Waldo, or I-Spy, and I usually wake up shortly after seeing him.
But in this dream, it began with him just sitting cross-legged on the right side of my bed.
The creepy thing is, I had been sleeping in the dream, and I woke up to see him there.
And it took a lot for me not to ‘jump out’ of dreaming and wake up.
And we sat looking at each other.
He squinted his eyes like he was examining my face.
In the dream, I was feeling worn, but anxious, because here was company, and I was laying in bed.
Even though, I didn’t feel well, it was the typical anxiety that I get when feeling sick, I’ve got to get up because I’ve got to… I should offer a drink, I should put on coffee…no, I’m OK, let me just…get up…
And I turned slightly, preparing to get out of bed.
And then L did the oddest thing.
It didn’t make sense to me then, but he reached out and touched my face.
I thought that he was being nice, so I stopped turning, and let it be.
I could feel the tips of his fingers against my cheek, and his thumb pressed against my jawline, holding my face.
Gentle, kinda sweet.
L was holding my face in his hands.
And then, even more strangely, he pushed his fingers and thumb firmly against my lips and teeth, and with quick, light pressure, coaxed me to open my mouth.
The expression on his face just then was difficult to describe; not smiling, not frowning, but suddenly, I was aware that he seemed focused on something, seemingly examining something about my mouth.
My brain scrambled through possibilities, as I felt his other hand cradle the back of my head.
I was watching his face, and he mouthed the word, Open as his fingers pulled gently on my chin to open my mouth a bit more.
And suddenly, I took a deep breath, and…. I don’t know how to describe it, it seemed the most fulfilling breath I had ever taken.
Suddenly every feeling that I had felt since the beginning, all the nerves, all the stress, all the weariness and fear that I felt about anything and everything…about him, and not about him…was there.
And I could let it out… in one breath.
~~~
Of course, I tried to talk, just then, to say ‘Thank you’ and so forth, but no sound would come.
And, of course, when I looked at L, he just sat back, smiled slightly, raised one eyebrow, and mouthed, Open
I took another deep breath,like you do when you are learning to swim, and you want to fill up your lungs, because you are about hold it all in for your dive into deep water
But L leaned forward, looked me in the eye, and mouthed, Open
And every. time. I would not, or forget, or worse, tried to talk,
It was
Open
Open
Open
And when I woke up, however, I tried to test my voice, and my throat was raspy and dry.
Well, I’ve been coming down with a cold these past few days, so I chalked this dream up to simply that my brain chose to examine the seeming inevitability that I would probably get laryngitis if I didn’t take care of my throat.
And maybe, the raspiness was due to the fact that I had slept too long, breathing through my mouth, so…that could be the possible explanation, right?
One thing leads to another…
But I didn’t really connect the details that I remembered with having anything to do with anything more than that.
~~~
And today, today I find out that “Ah” is the simplest sound that a human can make. Just open your mouth and push the sound out. A sigh. A gasp. An exclamation of understanding. A discovery.**
Ah.
I just have to open up.
~~~
**”…the tone of “Ah” which is really wonderful, and helps close holes in the auric field when one is really tired. Very simple…..drop your jaw, and say Ahhhhhh….with a bit of a musical tone, and focus on your 3rd eye. I’ve taught it to tons of folks, and it works so great to stop losing energy especially in stressful situations.” Thank you, Ms. L.F.P!
~~~
Edited (again) to add: Hail Loki!
October 5, 2012
A drawing of Loki
This is a drawing that I did several months ago that I have been meaning to post.
Today is as good a day as any, I suppose.
July 17, 2012
Autocorrect
OK, before I forget all the little things that I’ve been meaning to post — most of which makes me look sideways and grin to downright feeling a mixture of awe while simultaneously fighting the urge to flail — here’s one thing that just delights me:
I have a friend who is driving down from Atlanta tomorrow. We are texting back and forth this evening, about how excited we are to be seeing each other tomorrow. She is making me laugh with her turns of phrase, and whenever I try to type ‘LOL’
…..autocorrect changes it to ‘LOKI’
Her: <insert funny/flirtatious turn of phrase>
Me: LOKI!
Her: ?
Me: autocorrect! I meant LOL!
Her: Oh OK. 🙂
And that happened a two more times after that…
🙂
bloodteethandflame 