bloodteethandflame

A life in threes

Tag: Month for Loki

Month for Loki, Day 10: Story

I feel like my throat is closing up.

My throat feels raw and it is painful to swallow.  My senses seem dulled as my sinuses are filled with congestion.

Perhaps this is nothing but a chest cold, a head cold.  My head feels as if I am under water, and there is a strange metallic taste in my mouth.  My eyes water and my muscles ache.

Perhaps this is really nothing at all besides my simply being sick.

But I am not telling my story.

I know my task.  I know what stories I have promised to tell and yet I am having trouble speaking of them. I am having trouble writing about them.

I know that He wants me to write of how things changed.

How Loki as the Teacher and the Magician slowly morphed into Loki as the Lover in mid-2013.

You see, my husband of 20 years was having an affair and that knowledge of that fact devastated me.

So Loki came forward, first to comfort, and then to strengthen and empower me in my feelings of brokenness and betrayal.

Ever the Teacher, He sought to show me –through use of Himself as an example – how I should be loved.  Simple as that: He sought to love me and to heal me with a fierce and steadfast tenderness that I continue to marvel over, even to this day.

But I didn’t want His love…in the sense that I felt that I could not possibly deserve it.  I did not believe that I deserved His fierce loyalty, His honeyed promises, His gentle touches.  Instead, I insisted upon a passionate, almost feral connection.

I was angry and avoidant.

I didn’t expect to be understood, much less, did I expect to be loved.

I pushed Him away.

I refused to see; I resisted recognizing Him as anything other than a Being Who could break me and I sought to be broken.

I wanted to experience the height of relationship that I had recently been teaching others about – I wanted to experience a consensual, BDSM-fueled dynamic.

But He refused.

Our ‘scenes’ were passionate, yes, but He refused to cause me any pain.

Though I begged for Him to transform me through pain, He responded:

Why? You have been through enough pain…and yet you have not learned.

So He approached me with care and kindness.  I daresay His behavior was all romance and gentility, and my response was I wanted desperately to shut down:

That is not for me, I wept and I raged, That has never been for me. I don’t believe in that.

And so I hid from Him.

I pushed Him so hard.

I dared Him to grab me by the neck and shame me like an errant puppy.

I waffled between fear and rage.

I was either afraid of Him or I was angry/despairing of Him.

I was insistent: You do not love me.  You cannot love me.  No one can.

But He simply smiled and blinked and continued to present Himself to me, in dreams.

He spread Himself out like water at my feet.

He stroked my face with tender hands.

He bowed down low, head to the ground, and asked me how He could serve.

To be honest, He was a better submissive than I ever could have been, and yet I still argued, how – why – what had I ever done to deserve such devotion, such heartfelt words, such considerate actions?  The acts of His submission were all rooted in my own personal repertoire, and yet He faced me with every single one of them, challenging me to consider Him and to receive Him as I sought to be received in the BDSM dynamic I craved/created with so many others.

Allow Me to care for you as you have cared for others. 

Allow Me. 

Allow Me, He whispered over and over.

submissive-man-kneeling-in-submission-2

He often tried to convince me, cajole me into recognizing Him in the shape-shifting flurry of faces, of former play-partners and past lovers that I’d see in my dreams:

I see you. Do you see Me?

See Me.

Look Me in the face.

See Your Beloved.  I am here before you.

He demanded eye contact.  He accepted no less.

And still, I ran.  I avoided.  I cried.

I would not look Him in the eye.

But He was patient…and He was relentless.

~~~

By 2014, I stopped teaching at BDSM events.

Though I’ve been involved in ‘the scene’ for over 20 years now, I have not attended a BDSM event in two years.

(to be continued…)

Month for Loki, Day 9: Poetry

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]

 

BY E. E. CUMMINGS

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

 

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

 

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

 

Month for Loki, Day 8: I love Your face.

In what has become sort of a tradition for this blog during the month of July, today’s post will be a Loki artwork post.

First up, is one of my newest favorites – a digital piece subtitled

The Fire God says Hello…

LokebyStripedSmokerDA

(AKA Loke-Spam #2) by Striped Smoker on DeviantArt.

~~~

Another digital piece…

LokiasBeastbyquickreaveronDA

Loki, as Beast, by QuickReaver on DA.

I love that feral glint in His eye, the tousled mess of His hair…and of course, that jaunty tilt of His top-hat.

I am struck by something primal and dangerous in His facial expression

…and whatever that is, this image reminds me of Malcolm MacDowell from ‘A Clockwork Orange.’

~~~

SlyBastard

Unfortunately as much as I really *lovelovelove* this image – and it is referred to all over the web as being ‘Norse Loki’ – I have absolutely no artist information/credit for this artwork.

When Googling this image, one is liable to come up with dozens of Pinterest hits and a few links back to a missing/deleted page on tumblr (media.24.tumblr), but other than that – there seems to be nothing more.

I’m sharing it in hopes that someone – anyone —  has any leads for this artwork.

Please let me know – I’d love to give credit where credit is due!  Thanks!

~~~

And finally, in the realm of Pop Culture Paganism…

Here is Sergey Razumovsky.

hipsterLokiTwitter

So I went searching for more of this artist through Google, and I kept finding some really interesting stuff…in Russian.
Translated, it turns out that this is fan art associated with Bubble Comics’ Major Grom/Major Thunder the Citizen comics.

This character is named Sergey Razumovsky. He is an orphan, a brilliant hacker, an Entrepreneur of social networking, a philanthropist, and a rather engaging and flirtatious fellow.

phobsSergey

He is quite possibly Bubble Comic’s most popular character, according to http://bubblecomicsarehere.tumblr.com/

Sergey is similar to Loki in many ways, both in looks and attitude…and there are some subtle yet unmistakable similarities with the lore between Odin and Loki in a few story arcs of the comic as well. O.o

I don’t know how much of that is intentional on the part of the
original artist (who seems to be named Phobs.)

(The first image is fan art; the second is an original from the Major Thunder the Citizen story arc, by ‘Phobs‘)

~~~

Hail Loki, I love Your face ❤

 

 

Month for Loki, Day 7: Magician.

As I was becoming increasingly aware of my unease with my role as a Student, you can be certain that Loki sensed that I was struggling.

It didn’t seem to deter Him from trying to instruct me, however, and His lessons for me increasingly involved transformative rituals.

I began studying runes, at His request, and it was around this time that the rune, Eihwaz first came to me.

I created a prayer to Eihwaz asking for protection, connection and transformation.

My meditations were full of trees – visualizations of an Ancient Tree with gnarled branches that twisted toward the sky – and the points of the Eihwaz rune were sunk deep in its bark, facing out in all directions:

massivetree

I learned that this strange Tree

with its dark, almost sentient presence

was the Axis of All That Is

and that Eihwaz served as an anchor to my understanding of it.

And there, in dreamspace, I would meet Loki.

malewitchMagoBruxo

He looked a lot like this.

Month for Loki, Day 5: Message.

You are worthy.

I cannot make you understand.

But I will keep trying.

This is the connection between love and self-love.

Perhaps you will learn to love yourself in ways that you had not – but I hope that you find your way to me.

You are safe.

There is no need to fear being vulnerable with me.

I approach you without armor.

I see you for what and who you are, and I tell you:

You are worth loving.

You are loved.

I have chosen you. You have always been my choice, and you shall always be.

That’s the kind of loyal I am.

 

 

Month for Loki, Day 4: Firework.

fireworks (1)

Happy Fourth of July!

Month for Loki, Day 2: Hail

Hail Loki, shape-strong Trickster, I honor You.
Hail Loptr, wily Sky-treader, I cherish You.
For those who offer you insult, I offer you praise.
For those who offer you mistrust, I offer you trust.
For those who offer you hate, I offer you love.
For those who offer you cursing, I offer you blessing.
For those who offer you ridicule, I offer you respect.
For those who offer you faithlessness, I offer you adoration.
For those who offer you indifference, I offer you devotion.
For those who offer you obstinacy, I offer you openness.
For those who offer you scorn, I offer you fidelity.
May my heart be fervent and my will be strong in these offerings.
Hail Loki, shape-strong Trickster, I honor You.
Hail Loptr, wily Sky-treader, I cherish You.

Elizabeth Vongvisith

 

Month for Loki, Day 1: Task.

I can’t believe that the month of July has arrived already!

And as you may know, many Lokeans around the country celebrate the month of July by writing;  that’s 30 days of devotional posts for Loki.

And this blog here will be no exception.

~~~

2016 has been quite a year thusfar, and in this month alone, I’ve experienced a lot of upheaval and change in my devotional practices.

For one thing, towards the end of 2015,  I found myself being damn near forced to abandon most if not all  of the connections that I’d previously made within the Lokean community over the past several years.

As well, I was encouraged to develop a renewed focus upon several of my most personal relationships, and to be honest, I was even more stubborn about that.  As a matter of fact, I will freely admit that I abhor change.  As one might imagine, this meant that I fought many of those changes damned near every fucking step of the way.

You see, I was given several tasks in the first few months of 2016, and I will admit that I would just not be myself if I didn’t somehow try to weasel my way out of doing some major work towards that end.

But if Loki is anything, He is a patient God, and His tactics are often relentless, to put it mildly.

You might imagine that the last few months have not been easy.

The first task that I was given was to be self-aware and honest with myself about all the ways in which I have avoided confronting …myself.

The second task was to stop engaging in all of my various avoidance maneuvers, including but not limited to vaguebooking, privatizing entries, and downright avoiding certain relevant topics, simply for the sake of someone else’s comfort, let alone my own.

And the third task was to pull all those half-written and mostly hidden entries from my files, and either complete them/post them…. or throw them away.

So it’s a mental and perhaps spiritual decluttering, if you will.

And I am working on it.*

~~~~

So.  Where do I begin?

First up, I screwed up my resolve and over the course of several months, I have been forcing myself to discuss the finer points of my devotional practice with my husband, V.

So far, things have been going well enough.

V has been nothing if not open-minded, and I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that it is not as I had feared it would be at all.

In fact, many things have gone so entirely well that I am left wondering if perhaps I am the close-minded one in our relationship.

Fancy that.

I don’t know what I am – or have ever been – so afraid of.

~~~

*The network of tasks that I have been given shall, henceforth, be referred to as ‘keeping it 100:’

It’s not just one thing, Heathir.

 It is the whole of Heathir.  

You are to be known.  Make yourself (known)

Open.  Be open.

You give (the permission to others.)  Give permission (to yourself.)

 

 

 

Month for Loki, Day 28: A bit of Lokean levity

Two years or so ago, I was in a Facebook group named The Lokean League of Very Bad People.

The group is unfortunately gone now, but I remember that -towards the end – some of the more active members of LLoVBP  engaged in many verbal sparring matches with that particularly vocal folkish Heathen group, The Odinic Right.*

Here is a ‘letter’ that was forwarded by a former member of LLoVBP some time ago:

“Credit for this one goes to Mikki Fraser and Lagaria Farmer.

If you like it copy, paste, and pass it on!

Dear Odinic Rite,
It is imperative that I get this message to you as quickly as possible. There may be no more time left for me, but you and all the others still have a chance! Recently, I was fortuitous enough to capture a member of the Lokean League of Very Bad People, and after hours of gruesome torture, was able to extract a confession. However, just before the scoundrel bit into their cyanide cap, they sprayed me with a neurotoxin. It smelled like peaches, and I’m not sure what it does yet, but I’m sure I must only have minutes left before it takes effect. Not only is the LLVBP planning a dastardly scheme that involves teapots (the ravings of this lunatic were hard to make out) it turns out that the Dark Lord Loki HIMSELF has been behind nearly every global catastrophe that has plagued mankind.

This is what I was able to learn:

Loki is the father of the Jewish race
Loki was the man on the grassy knoll
Loki is the leader of Al Qaeda
Loki hid dinosaur bones all over the world to make people doubt the Eddas
Loki was the hunter who shot Bambi’s mother
Loki and Sauron may actually be the same individual, AND he can simply walk into Mordor
Loki is the head of the Illuminati
Loki turns baby Dalmatians into coats
Loki was Joseph Stalin’s mentor
Rasputin was Loki’s avatar
Loki gave birth to Napoleon’s horse
Loki invented condoms to exterminate the white race
Loki is responsible for the “mud” races, and may also be Obama himself
Loki side-swiped Princess Diana’s car
Loki ejected Amelia Earhart out of her plane
Loki kidnapped the Lindbergh baby
Loki blew up the Hindenburg
Loki was the captain of the Titanic AND the Exxon Valdez
Loki broke up the Beatles
Loki stole the Ark of the Covenant
Loki whipped up Hurricane Katrina
Loki is the puppet master behind the Democratic party
Loki created all deadly spiders, and hides them in people’s showers
Loki reverts cured gays
Loki started Occupy Wall street
Loki programmed the Y2K virus
Loki was Mary Queen of Scott’s lesbian lover
This rabbit hole goes so much deeper than we thought, and you have to warn the others before it’s too late! And don’t forget that…. That… cough… cough… what’s happening to me? I have the sudden… urge to… have sex with a man! No! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

~~~

*I am not going to link to the Odinic Rite group, but a quick search of Google would school you on their folkish (read: overwhelmingly racist) belief system.

 

Month for Loki, Day 26: Slacker.

It’s not as if I didn’t think about Loki today.

 

I just spent oh like maybe 2 or 3 hours talking about Him.

Otherwise, I was a slacker.

I promise that I will write a real entry tomorrow.

 

I swear ❤