Last night, I got quite drunk off this strawberry moonshine, and had some incredible loving.
Then, this morning, I woke up with a killer hangover (possible ‘bangover’, too.)
My gods, the nausea, the headache was almost too much to bear. Almost.
I think that I might have been grateful to go back to bed once the MS got up for work at 8:00AM.
Oddly enough, it seemed that I may have still been drunk (or still feeling the effect of my drunkeness) because I definitely remember stumbling into the bathroom around 6:00AM. (My pre-disposition to kidney stones has made it so if I have to go, it is painfully uncomfortable if I do not.)
(All I can say is that things still looked/felt wobbly and hazy, which is unusual. It’s not as if I had that much.)
Right then I felt as if I was sweating out -my body temperature felt abnormally high, and I felt as if I had taken a ten-minute afternoon vacation to Panama at the height of summer.
And even though I don’t know how I did it, I vaguely recollect that I checked in on my kid and I did somehow get Loki a cup of coffee.
Then I remember drinking two large glasses of water and then collapsing on the couch in my living room….and I’m not ashamed to admit that that couch suddenly felt like the coolest side of every pillow ever.
I woke up to go to the bathroom again at some point, drank more water, and then I must’ve climbed into bed in my bedroom. I don’t remember going to the bedroom again, nor do I remember seeing my MS get up to go to work, but he obviously went to work.
What followed after 8:00 AM featured some very vivid hangover fever-dreams, complete with changing positions often because I kept waking up to find myself completely entangled in the bedsheets.
Meanwhile, I think that it is safe to assume that these dreams weren’t entirely unpleasant because I do remember talking to Loki somewhat, and there was a lot of trance-talk combined with a lot of sensually triggering imagery and sensation. There was much intensity and even more conversation over some specifically detailed philosophical concepts, and I think that the dream-Loki thought it was all very amusing.
I woke up several times, very much aware of my own liminally-aroused state, and often well-aware that I had been talking and reacting loudly enough to wake myself up O.o
(While this is not something that I didn’t know, I still felt an embarrassed sort of shame that I was being so…noisy.)
So, in short, my oddly self-aware yet half-drunken state led to a philosophical sex-magickal interaction between Loki and I.
I gather that He and I talked about other topics too, as I found out later that I had confused a conversation that I’d had with V last night about plans for the weekend with a conversation that I’d obviously had with Loki this morning.
Case in point, I seemed to have thought that V and I had had a conversation about smoking* last night because I remember talking about how I’d wanted to smoke and V was the person that I distinctly remember talking to about that.
And in that remembered conversation, I remember that V had teased me about hiding my stash and even jokingly admonished me for holding out on him, because didn’t I know how much he enjoyed smoking with me?
So I thought/remembered that V was insisting that we should smoke last night to celebrate the ending of the month.
But when I asked V later this morning why he wanted to smoke last night – a weekday night – when he usually insists upon waiting until the weekend–
V just looked at me blankly, and said,
“We can smoke if you want — but I don’t think that we talked about that at all – last night, or ever.”
So. I guess that this means that Loki is back to borrowing V’s face and form to convey Himself in dreams…as my husband.
And so I imagine that that means Loki wants me to smoke with Him in celebration of the end of the month.
Though, to note, usually Loki isn’t that obvious in His directives to me. Or rather, He hasn’t been so direct with me in quite a while.
Nonetheless, the point is taken.
Hail to Loki, Who is not above borrowing mundane faces ❤
*(And P.S.A: Lay off the strawberry moonshine, kids! And quite possibly, the dream-discussion of entheogens…)
I learned something about Eiwhaz yesterday.
Eiwhaz is a rune of letting go.
Long ago, I got the message from Him, that it is my rune.
So, if that is true…then there is nothing more important than that for me to remember – Eiwhaz’s lesson is to allow change, to protect oneself, to defend oneself.
Of course, at the time that I was informed that I must learn this rune, it was a sort of Subtlesauce that I didn’t want to hear, that I didn’t want to know.
But yesterday, I was at a local mystical shop and I found Eiwhaz described as the ‘rune of the World Tree. A rune of letting go, protection, and transformation.’
And suddenly, it finally clicked in my head. Funny that.
Eiwhaz is a rune of letting go.
Now I understand exactly why it was the first rune that came forward to teach me after He strongly suggested that I should begin studying the runes.
He said that I should study it until I was told to do otherwise, and so, that rune had sat on my altar ever since early 2013, well over a year ago.
It was my understanding that Eiwhaz should be my sole focus, a fixed point.
And, I am nearly ashamed to admit this, but I definitely had days wherein I would inwardly grouse about it: When could I learn another rune? It’s not fair…I don’t understand….what am I supposed to understand? Why?
And His response was to steeple His fingers, and regard me with a raised eyebrow, followed by an almost grim, implacable facial expression.
Between the two of us, I don’t know who was more frustrated.
So, that spring, I sent money to a well-respected spirit-worker that I’d met the summer before, and I ordered a custom set of runes that were to be made of ash wood.
And I waited.
For six fucking months.
I got so tired of waiting for that order, that I gave up in disgust, and ordered a cheap wooden set off of eBay.
They were made of ash all right, but instead of being carved as I’d been led to believe by the seller, the runes were written on the blanks
There are no words for how I felt about that.
Sangry would be a good term, I guess.
But, that August, I was surprised.
I received a package from the spirit worker.
He sent me a rune set of semi-precious stones retailing for $75 -to make up for the fact that I’d gone six months, with no explanation as to why I’d never received the wooden runes that I’d ordered.
He apologized profusely in a nicely worded letter, explaining at length his frustration and disbelief about how the wood that he had been attempting to use to make the blanks kept splitting and warping, making the blanks unusable for runes.
He informed me that he’d attempted to cut the ash blanks with intent for my set on three separate occasions in the last six months, so he hoped that I’d accept the stone set as adequate compromise, with his apologies.
But when I poured the runes out of the bag to examine them – I was immediately disconcerted to see that the Eiwhaz rune – carved into a tumbled stone of bright yellow jasper – was broken in half.
(I never asked for a replacement simply because it was customer service recovery.)
But I studied Eiwhaz, anyway.
At least, I thought that I was.
I created a daily prayer for Eiwhaz, asking for – and trying to manifest – connection, protection, and transformation.
To be honest, even though I had convinced myself that I understood Eiwhaz on a few basic levels, looking back on my stubbornness, I realize now that I hardly knew what I was asking for.
(And, not surprisingly, He seemed to think that I should be working harder to figure that shit out. And rightfully so, I suppose.)
Then, in February 2014, I had the blind ignorance to ask Him what rune I should be using to represent myself in the bind rune that I was creating for us.
He drew the rune from the box, and pronounced it with a flourish, and a mysterious smirk.
And of course, I gasped, and proceeded to whine and roll my eyes about the fact that, of course it is Eiwhaz…why is it always Eiwhaz?
I don’t understand WHY….!!
What’s wrong with Eiwhaz? He seemed mildly annoyed, eyebrows raised.
But His tone made it obvious to me that the subject was immutable. Not open to debate.
He then gave me the Holy Bitch Face, and sighed: Don’t ask questions that you don’t want answered – as He drew the rune, Kenaz – for Himself – and suggested that I find a way to incorporate them together.
In March, I embroidered our bindrune on the altar cloth for His altar.
In June 2014, I inked our bindrune on my body.
Two weeks later, as He traced his fingers on the ink, He asked where the flames were.
There should be flames, He said.
Blood, teeth…and flames, my dear.
But it was not until yesterday that I had ever seen it come up that Eiwhaz was a rune of Letting Go.
It all comes back to Eiwhaz.
That’s my problem…that’s my work…of course, Eiwhaz would be, should be my sole focus.
Because, you see, I have so much trouble letting go.
So, it’s no wonder, really, that… it’s Eiwhaz.
It would have to be.
What other rune could there be?
Of course, Eiwhaz is MY rune.
So all I’ve got to say to Loki today is…
I’m sorry that it has taken me so long to figure it out, Simple Dog that I am…
Point taken, Sir.