bloodteethandflame

A life in threes

Tag: realization

Month for Loki, Day 13: More pieces that fell into place.

I was sketching Loki the other day, and it got me to thinking about how other aspects of Him were showing up in my life back when I was a kid, and yet how a lot of the pieces didn’t fall into place until 2012-2013 or so.

And I got to thinking about what I did after the SitD left (around age 9), and I was thinking about how I used to draw…a lot.  I briefly touched upon the subject of those drawings in a post on this blog back in early 2013, but I never wrote out my thoughts as I intended.

Here are those thoughts from my notebook…

(From 27 February 2013)

Something occurred to me this morning that I wanted to write about.

I had a brief visual/sensory upload – an unbidden visual/sensory upload while I was awake – of a man standing in front of me, holding my face in his hands. He is holding my face in his hands as if to make sure that I am making eye contact with him, and he is leaning forward, preparing to whisper into my left ear.

And this visual that I had made me wish that I could sketch out what I saw.  I mean, I can draw, but I am not so skilled that I can sketch things out as quickly or as deftly as I would like.  Rather I am more likely to get hung up on agonizing over every detail in my sketch so much so that I often lose the flow of the imagery and it fades quickly away before I’ve finished sketching it out.

So I was wishing that I could convey the shifting color of his eyes and the unshaven whiskers on his chin.  I wish that I could convey that I had looked down at his feet, and he was wearing dirty black canvas Chuck Taylors, with laces untied and loose.  He was wearing faded jeans, a t-shirt, and a shabby cotton overshirt.  I remember seeing the silver glint of an earring in his ear, and I noticed the way that his russet hair curled over the collar of his shirt, and how his hair turned a darker auburn toward the ends.  I remember noticing the smattering of freckles on the backs of his hands and along his fingers, and how his hands felt slightly calloused but pleasantly warm, holding my face.  I remember the trace of his grin, and the way that he slowly blinked and tilted his head, as those light-colored and impossibly bright eyes of his flickered with…satisfaction?  Relief? I’m not certain what word I am looking for but when I looked into his eyes, all I could think of was laughter and warmth and…home.

And I wish that I could have drawn that – the image of both my standing there with him and somehow standing outside of myself watching the exchange and the slow dawning of my recognition of who he was.

But I don’t have the skills.  I cannot sketch  this fast enough or well enough for you to see the vision as I saw it.

And I remembered.  I realize it now.  I am seeing a face that I have tried to draw before, and my heart skips a beat to think of it.  Can it be?

When I was younger — younger like 11 or 12 years old – I used to draw the face of a man that I did not know.  Or rather, he wasn’t anyone that solidly existed, that could easily be pinned down.  Sometimes I thought that I’d made him up, that he was simply an amalgam of pretty facial features — a young man with long, light-colored hair, with larger than average, strikingly bright-colored eyes, an aquiline nose, finely arched eyebrows, and a smile that I wasn’t sure if it was meant to be a flirtatious grin or a sarcastic smirk.   Most of the time I would draw him clean-shaven, but sometimes I would practice drawing facial hair  – usually a well-groomed goatee or a Van Dyke beard.  I’d always envisioned his ears being pierced (even though in the late 70’s/early 80’s, it was still considered rather bold and overly flamboyant for a man to have pierced ears, especially in the right ear…)

But nonetheless, this man had jewelry and his face was a mixture of traditionally masculine features (angular jaw, an Adam’s apple, whiskers/facial hair) and feminine features (long eyelashes, high cheekbones, thinly arched eyebrows).  He was, to put it mildly, a very pretty man, and I often drew him in either medieval clothing or casual, almost hippie style clothing.  I would always draw him into background settings, surrounded by woodlands, mountains or snow.

Over and over, I drew this man, thinking that someday I would fall in love with a man that had this face, or something close to it.  Sometimes I would find myself comparing someone’s chin or someone’s eyes or the color of their hair to this man’s face, this man’s features.  And I can tell you right now, that face, those features never changed.  No, this man had a particular face that I loved, but never could quite find in reality.   So I just kept drawing him, perfecting that face as it could be seen from a variety of angles, expressing a variety of moods.

My siblings used to tease me, that I was drawing my invisible friend.

Sometimes I would imagine him saying all sorts of clever, wonderful things to me, all the words that I’d hoped someday that somebody might say: what a friend, a lover, a confidante would say.  Sometimes I would write him into stories, and they were often stories about learning and doing various activities – things I hadn’t yet learned how to do, such as how to ride a horse, or swim, or climb a tree.  Sometimes I would walk in the woods, and I would imagine delightful, fantastic possibilities, almost visualizing that I might find him further along the path, sitting on a tree stump, or fishing in the river, or laying in the grass, watching the clouds.

I remember when I first experimented with smoking, oddly enough, it was easy to imagine that he smoked too.  He did seem to have this smoky, fragrant scent about him that was entirely his — though I could never draw his hands holding a cigarette very well (aside of the fact that hands are notoriously difficult to draw, especially hands holding things that cast light and shadow.)

I cannot deny that I drew him so often that it seemed as if I drew him into existence somehow.

He was not simply a masculine version of myself, unless he was perhaps a part of me that I wish that I could have been.

And for many years, I drew him just so I could see his face.

It hits me like a ton of bricks today to realize that whenever I draw Loki’s face, I am drawing him; I am drawing an old friend.

And whenever I visualize Loki, I realize that I am seeing him, the handsome face of my old friend.

And I never made that connection until today.

~~~

Hail to Loki, my sweetest friend ❤

 

~~~

A year or so after I wrote this notebook entry, I received a message from Him, that I suspect may have been intended to make me smile:

You didn’t make Me up; rather it is that I made *you* up. 

 

 

Month for Loki, Day 6: Building community, building energy.

Sometimes I think that I have forgotten what’s important.

So I attended a discussion recently on building community.

I had hoped that attending this discussion would give me some hands-on strategies for building community….instead, I realized something else entirely.

It turns out that this particular ‘building community’ discussion definitely had a particular Lokean spin on it for me.

From the start, the invited speaker admitted that the basis of his philosophy of community that he was there to discuss was based upon the premise that we are all energetic beings – made of energy – and that we are all looking for love in this world.

Following that, he continued along that love is pure energy in itself and that is what we seek to get for ourselves but it is also what we seek to share with each other .

The whole thing about energy, he insisted, could be explained entirely through physics:

Energy is never destroyed, it just changes form.

We are energy contained in a body temporarily but our energy is timeless and limitless and ancient.  In a sense, we are made of similar stuff as the Gods are made.  We are as much of Them as They are of us, and that is what attracts Them to us, and us to Them.

Simply put, we are energy carried through time and we are just trying to grow and learn.

Therefore, the meaning of life is to love and to grow and to experience ‘being’.

And I almost cried because it finally connected in my head: That is what He has been talking about, what He is always talking about, when He says:

You are energy.  You are a force of love. 

Let your love be the energy that it is, pure and simple. 

Get away from agendas and petty concerns and the shit that gets tied up in what humans manufacture to keep themselves from that truth.
It’s not that this is the first time that this has ever blown my mind –  because I know this.

I am in a perpetual state of my mind being blown open by that truth; I am always learning and re-learning that truth.

It seems to be the only truth: Be.  Just allow yourself to be.  Experience ‘being’  Love is sharing that experience of being.  We are all made of that energy.  Make it positive not negative.  Move forward, don’t get mired.

I learn; I forget.

Meanwhile, when I forget, I get mired again in petty human manufactures.

And I have to remind myself constantly that these worries, these fears that I have are manufactured; that I can choose to ignore manufactures that hurt me, that seek to constrain joy, constrain the full manifestation of being.

I have to remind myself that I am not damaged; I am no more or no less of the energy that I was at the beginning of time.
And that is a comforting thought.
Nothing has been destroyed.  The existence of energy is permanent; anything else is just details, window dressing, constraints. 
You are not broken; you’ve just forgotten that you are an energetic being who has gotten mired in manufactured constraints.
Let others be. 

If you can help another to realize the constraints, fine.  But, ask yourself: are you adding to their constraints with your own petty constraints?  

(I hate to admit it, but…probably.)
So. Let those go. 

That is not who you are. 

That is not who they are. 

So. If  I can help someone see that we are all just energetic beings – made of energy having a human experience – rather than being a rock or a tree or a timber wolf this go-round – then I have done all I can do?

Pretty much.

Just love.  Just be.  Seek joy.  Be the joy that is in this world.  Grow.  Help others grow.  Remember what you are.

~~~

RamDassquote