bloodteethandflame

A life in threes

Tag: what doesn’t serve falls away

The Other Side of Judgment and Fear

Another re-blog…but it is good and necessary food for thought today.

I highly recommend reading if you are prone to negative self-talk and worrying, (ie, ‘brain-weasels’)

Element

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Hello everyone, welcome ❤

I was trying to get caught up reading and commenting to posts the other day and I came to a one that dray0308 from Dream Big Dream Often reblogged. The title of the post was “Worrying About Nothing” This post was about questioning yourself, your choices and decisions rather than just living and enjoying your life.

It’s sad how often we judge ourselves. We suffer under the crushing fear that we can’t live the life we want because we aren’t doing enough, we aren’t good enough, we aren’t smart enough, we aren’t pretty or handsome enough. We just aren’t, right enough.

I’ve been to that dark place. I spent 10 years struggling with little to no self esteem and believing everything bad in my life was my fault, that there was nothing I could do right. I spared no judgment against myself. I saw my son, how we…

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youarenot

Come break me down.

 

Month for Loki, Day 10: A Dream

I had a dream wherein He spoke to me and said that there were three things that I should work on…
And then I had another dream that got in the way of the memory of the first dream.

~~~

That second dream – the one that got in the way of my memory – was about taking V to court in Plainsville, NY (but I think that it was supposed to be Plattsville)…and we had an older daughter who was kinda difficult to handle because she was so angry, and I couldn’t get her to calm down.

But she was there because she had testified in my favor, and the judge ended up siding with me.

I don’t know what that meant.

~~~
But the first dream, Loki talked with me, but I could not remember what I was supposed to work on.
So when I awoke, K told me that He told zir to tell me that I should work on:

Trust, loyalty…. and forgetting.
But K wouldn’t say what that was in regards to.

Stay loyal to what?

Forget about what?

K said that zie was told that I could figure it out.

~~~
And then I remembered something:  Loyalty had something to do with the poly thing: that I should stop the behavior of having sex with certain people.

He said that He wanted to choose, and it showed a disrespect of Him or lack of loyalty to Him, to have situations with certain people.

And I remember Him showing me, in images rather than words, to whom He was referring.

He was saddened by something in my behavior, similar to some dreams I’d had before wherein He would say that I knew how to listen and/or do, but that I just didn’t want to.
That made me sad, too.
And the forgetting concerns the past, of letting the past go… of not letting the past keep me from moving forward towards what is changing.

 

You are changing, He said, and I am pleased with you.  Don’t stop.  Don’t relent.

 

I know what that means.

 

But I am anxious.

 

I know what He is talking about.

Month for Loki Day 27: Wolf Ankle Bracelet

About two weeks ago, my ankle bracelet broke.

It was sterling silver ankle bracelet that I wore on my left ankle.  It had a sterling silver wolf charm, and three amber beads on it.

This is the second time that it has broken since V bought it for me. 

As well, I’ve had to replace the wolf charm twice. 

Back in February, the bail (that was soldered onto the back of the wolf) broke off while V and I were at an event.  I found the wolf piece again, but it couldn’t be rejoined to the bail, so I ordered another wolf charm as a replacement sometime in March.

And all was well with it until July 11th. 

Sometime on that day, the wolf charm must’ve fallen off, but unlike last time, I’ve not been able to find it.

Honestly, I don’t think that I’m ever going to.

So now I’ve placed the rest of the bracelet  on Loki’s altar.

I’ve gotten the impression that might be the thing to do, and not because He is the finder of lost things.

 

As I said, I get the feeling that I’m not going to find that charm, and at this point, I don’t think that I’m going to try to replace it either, so I left it on His altar as an offering, if not, as a sort of commentary on the issue.

~~~

A little less than a year ago – possibly this past September — I had two dreams in rapid succession, that definitely seemed to relate to the BDSM dynamic that I was living in and my spirituality.

In the first dream, Loki and I were having a conversation.  I don’t even remember what we had been talking about; all I recall is that, at one point in the conversation, my ankle bracelet caught His eye.  I remember that I was in mid-sentence when He interrupted me to ask, “What’s this?” and He was referring to the ankle bracelet. 

He leaned down to examine it on my ankle more closely.  He flicked the wolf charm between His thumb and forefinger, looking at it curiously, as  I explained to Him the reason why I wore the ankle bracelet, and why V had given it to me.   V had meant it as a discreet way to signify another particular aspect of our relationship, I explained.

I remember the way that Loki tilted His head and smirked, as if He was skeptical of my bracelet and its meaning.  While He may have been somewhat skeptical of the whole ‘meaning’ of my having such relationships in general, He also seemed intrigued.  

I do recall that He asked me a few more questions about what that sort of commitment was supposed to mean, with the focus being specifically on what it meant to me.
 
I especially recall those light steely eyes of His flitting between being playful and intensely serious, talking about commitments, especially:

You have a wedding ring, He murmured, Is that not enough for (your husband)?

With that, He began to pull on my ankle bracelet, as if testing its strength, and I thought that He’d pull the wolf charm off of it at any moment, as I stuttered my reply.

When I’d finished speaking, He looked at me a long moment, and simply raised an eyebrow.

His silence made me feel awkward, almost chastised.

Then He let go of my ankle bracelet, and nodded at me, almost dismissively.

And He left the room.

And I woke up.

~~~
Several major changes have occurred since I had that dream, both in my life and in my relationships with V and with others who where in my life at the time.

And yet, until July 11th, I still wore that ankle bracelet.

Sometimes I get so used to things that, in their every day existence, they almost become an afterthought.

Sometimes objects take on meanings that stray far from original meanings and intent.

And sometimes, things just fall away, and I don’t realize that there’s been a change until something tangible is lost.

And when I think about what has happened between July 11th and today, it seems fitting to offer the rest of the ankle bracelet to Loki

… since what doesn’t serve does seem to fall away.

Eventually.