Mired.

by beanalreasa

On one of the FB groups that I’m in, someone asked what relationships that people feel that they have with Loki. <-(No matter how I’ve tried to fix the grammar/structure of that sentence, it sounds awkward to me…)

So, awkward sentences aside, the question of relationships re: Loki has got me thinking about what my own relationship might be with Himself.

You see, I don’t know.

On some level, this bothers me, simply because I am the sort who is prone to over-analyze things, especially relationships.  And, on top of that, when people talk about their relationships with their God(s), I’ve always been especially curious and fascinated as to what their answers might be.

I could chalk it up to being raised by two lapsed and extremely disgruntled Catholics who became atheists and misanthropes in regards to how they saw themselves in relation towards Gods and towards people, in general.

So, I shouldn’t really be surprised at all if I am a mixture of wary and curious towards how others have relationships with/to their Deit(ies) of Choice.   Even as a small child, I wanted to have a relationship with/to God, but I didn’t exactly know how to go about having one.

But, my paternal grandmother told me that you could have a relationship with God through daily prayer.   She even taught me to pray — but I’ll be the first to admit that the ritual of prayer -kneeling, clasping hands together, followed by saying particular words and phrases in a particular order — seemed awkward and unfamiliar.  I had too many questions about when and how, and worst of all, why, that the poor woman was probably overwhelmed. (And then there was the concept of ‘being humble’ and ‘being respectful’ and how one should use the ‘right’ words, but I was never clear on how to go about that, either.  I do recall her telling me that I was doing it wrong, however…)

So, yes.  I still feel — a little bit — that I’m doing it wrong, even today.  I still don’t know if I’m even saying the ‘right’ things, showing respect the right way.  All I do is hope, really, that I’m being heard/understood.

Sometimes, I just sit and talk.  Sometimes I’m quiet, and I just let things run through my head.  It feels more natural, but I don’t know if that’s How One is Supposed to Do This.

I do ask for understanding from Those I’m attempting to pray to, along with the general hope that I’ll realize quickly if and when I’m being corrected.

And, I swear that I’m getting to the point of all this…

Really.  I swear this is all related somehow.

I don’t know what my relationship to Loki is, but I think that I’d have a better idea if I could remember my dreams somehow.  Because whenever I’ve asked, it seems like I’ve gotten the answer in dreamspace at some later point.

I wonder if that it’s the only way that the Gods have found to communicate with me, and yet, oddly enough, I have trouble remembering those dreams.

I mean, I remember bits and pieces, but nothing that makes much sense, most of the time.

And to think, a year or so ago, I had absolutely zero problem with remembering every little detail of every dream…and I dreamt several times a night.

But nowadays, I dream about Loki or Freyja or Odin…and  *poof* I know that They were there and They talked…and stuff was shown to me, or explained to me, or work was done…but waking up brings me only the vague memory of something happening/happened…but it’s gotten away from me somehow.

One dream that I had, weeks ago, I think it was Himself who actually stood in front of me, arms akimbo and whatnot, and said, Listen, I’m telling you right now….somethingsomethingsomething… do you understand?  I remember His eyes, so serious, intense, shifting through their colors, His jaw set with this extremely no-nonsense expression, and I was actually a bit nervous, and I was thinking, Shit, this is important.  I hope that I don’t forget this when I wake up.  Because that would suck….

But that is exactly what seems to have happened.  I wrote about it in my paper journal, hoping I could re-capture some details, but…nope.

ARGH.

So…  Do I know what is the nature of my relationship with Loki?

It’s buried in my subconscious brain somewhere.

And I think that the fact that I’m unsettled a bit by not consciously knowing that seemingly simple little answer is a lesson for me in and of itself.   Because I have trouble with the sheer volume of what I want to know and can’t know (it’s almost like frustration and/or lack of patience with myself vis a vis walking this particular portion of the path), so I’ve got to practice accepting and being patient, and stop questioning how things will unfold right now.

 

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