bloodteethandflame

A life in threes

But wait, there’s more.

After writing the entry about what I did get out of my weekend (mostly), there were a few things that I didn’t get out of my weekend, as well as a few things that I realized quite late in the weekend (Sunday night/Monday morning) that I had been downright dodging/avoiding.

For one thing, V and I never did have much of the Big Conversation that I’d been planning on having with him, due to two things that I hadn’t counted upon:

1) Even though V had told his employer’s project managers that he was not available to work, conference, or take calls from Thursday, February 15th, to Monday, February 18th, clients called on him anyway, sucking up eight hours of his time on Saturday, and four hours on Sunday. It seemed that nothing could be done about it for several reasons, as everyone on the client end seemed to think that he’d honestly meant that his availability would be open for those weekend days only, rather than every and any other weekend this month. So, despite shaking my fist at the Universe a few times, I came to the realization that, maybe, I am not ready to discuss these matters, and/or he might not be ready to hear this sort of discussion as of yet. Because every time that I tried to begin talking about the subject, his phone would ring, and any time he tried to set aside his work-brain thoughts to listen to me, his phone would ring with yet another work-related distraction. (At one point, after having told him about my Loki-lookalike friend from the elevator, he suggested that I might as well find my other boots and go enjoy myself a bootblacking, because he was scheduled for a call. Again.)

2) The other thing that kept coming to the forefront was V’s obvious and pressing need to socialize. Several times, the same situation kept arising wherein he would become so distracted by the presence of others — whether they be old friends, new acquaintances, or some individual smoker standing outside looking for a light for their cigarette — that I quickly started to wonder if I was ever going to be able to get his completely undivided attention.

Well, it seems to me that the Universe said NO to that this weekend. Gods, did it ever. And oddly enough, I had an interesting dream on Monday morning that involved this very thing, causing me to consider the very excuses that I have been making in order to keep from meaningfully engaging with an Other who seeks to engage with me.

So…touche, I guess.

~~~

And the lesser, but still worth-mentioning thing that I intended to do but didn’t was to get over myself and introduce myself to Del Tashlin. I’ve been reading both of his blogs – and leaving comments here and there — for somewhat over a year or so now, so I suppose that it might be appropriate to introduce myself, lest I seem like a stalker, no…?

It seems like such a little thing doesn’t it? But yes…it’s true.

And several opportunities arose wherein I could have introduced myself, and yet, I did not. I kept promising myself, next time, next time…and yet I.Did.Not.

I was even in the elevator with him and yet I did not say a word.

What the hell, right?

So, I tell myself one word: FUSION.

Let’s hope that I keep my promise then…I will introduce myself to Del Tashlin at Fusion 2013.

There. I said it. For all of you to read. And now I have to make it happen.

~~~

who was it for?

OK, OK, that’s enough complaining.

I also wanted to point out that I won/bought something at the NCSF silent auction that was totally not for me.

I still can’t figure out why I was drawn to it so — and even though I bought/won two other items (both were things that V was wishing for me to have) — but I most certainly drawn to have this beautifully decorated metal purse/clutch/accessory thing. It is decorated with polished stones: carnelian, yellow jasper, green/pink jasper, quartz, etc.

It was so not me. I think that V was shocked that I wanted it.

But, for some reason, I had to have it. It was crazy.

Maybe it was for Freyja…or something.

When I unpack it, I’m going to put it on Her altar.

Weekend.

I had a good weekend.

As it is with me, not everything that I planned to do actually happened, but a lot of what I needed to happen actually did. 

There is a lot for me to process.

It was heartening — and important — to see V in an environment wherein we could really focus on each other.  We did get to have some of that time.

I could have used more time to really focus on V, of course, but sometimes, the Universe has other plans.  That’s where the ‘let go or be dragged’ comes in.

Some of it was really mundane, but necessary, concerning something that I’ve been struggling with for a while on how to receive service from others gracefully and without guilt…and I received some of that (twice!) in the bootblacking chair.

  In this way, it was nice to make a few new connections, and as much as that can be difficult for me, I forced myself to make that happen, much to my own amazement.  And the Universe rewarded me for that.

Classes: I had other commitments, so I hadn’t really expected to have much time for classes, but I did get a few in: One in particular, Playing with Past Trauma, was lovely.   The instructor gave me much food for thought — and even though the class was in line with concepts that were already familiar to me — it is always helpful to consider another person’s angle on this often controversial topic.  I was also glad to see how well the instructor handled the disagreement/discussion on personal responsibility/accountability.  Always a plus!

The second class that I felt lucky to squeeze in was on Sunday, titled, Dark Goddesses and the Path of Submission, taught by Anya Kless.  Again, I probably wouldn’t have been able to attend, had V not had an unexpected work commitment that bled into a few hours, and I was left at loose ends for a time.  But again, luckily, I can say with certainty that it was definitely an opportunity that I did not expect.  Again, this topic left me with much food for thought and gave me some information which led to several interesting connections concerning my own personal praxis.  (Though there was a certain aspect to the class that made me wonder if I should have grounded and centered before arriving, as I left with my head feeling as if it had been split open, to some degree.  Thank heavens for the lunch break that followed.)   And, concerning the realm of my social anxiety, it was good that I was able to hold myself together enough to have been able to introduce myself to her without too much trouble.

As for other learning experiences, I did find myself facing certain things about the past that I hadn’t really intended upon facing, and most of that concerned discussion of J, and what had happened with us.  I tried to be fair, but I’m certain that I came across a little more emotional that I had previously intended, but I am grateful that I handled much of what I’d needed to release without bursting into flames.

All in all, it was a good weekend.  I saw a great drag show (the Kinsey Sicks), had some long-awaited deliciously carthartic play with a dear friend, tasted some great booze (Jamison is my new ‘boyfriend’), and ran into a delightfully attractive transman who was a dead-ringer for Loki in the hotel elevator…who ended up being a very accomplished bootblack.  I was truly blessed to have received lovely service in hir chair (even if it was another situation wherein I found it difficult to completely ‘let go’ — I am grateful to have allowed myself an experience that I won’t be kicking myself for avoiding later. )

(Hail Loki, teacher of the painful and graceful lessons.)