by beanalreasa

I had a good weekend.

As it is with me, not everything that I planned to do actually happened, but a lot of what I needed to happen actually did. 

There is a lot for me to process.

It was heartening — and important — to see V in an environment wherein we could really focus on each other.  We did get to have some of that time.

I could have used more time to really focus on V, of course, but sometimes, the Universe has other plans.  That’s where the ‘let go or be dragged’ comes in.

Some of it was really mundane, but necessary, concerning something that I’ve been struggling with for a while on how to receive service from others gracefully and without guilt…and I received some of that (twice!) in the bootblacking chair.

  In this way, it was nice to make a few new connections, and as much as that can be difficult for me, I forced myself to make that happen, much to my own amazement.  And the Universe rewarded me for that.

Classes: I had other commitments, so I hadn’t really expected to have much time for classes, but I did get a few in: One in particular, Playing with Past Trauma, was lovely.   The instructor gave me much food for thought — and even though the class was in line with concepts that were already familiar to me — it is always helpful to consider another person’s angle on this often controversial topic.  I was also glad to see how well the instructor handled the disagreement/discussion on personal responsibility/accountability.  Always a plus!

The second class that I felt lucky to squeeze in was on Sunday, titled, Dark Goddesses and the Path of Submission, taught by Anya Kless.  Again, I probably wouldn’t have been able to attend, had V not had an unexpected work commitment that bled into a few hours, and I was left at loose ends for a time.  But again, luckily, I can say with certainty that it was definitely an opportunity that I did not expect.  Again, this topic left me with much food for thought and gave me some information which led to several interesting connections concerning my own personal praxis.  (Though there was a certain aspect to the class that made me wonder if I should have grounded and centered before arriving, as I left with my head feeling as if it had been split open, to some degree.  Thank heavens for the lunch break that followed.)   And, concerning the realm of my social anxiety, it was good that I was able to hold myself together enough to have been able to introduce myself to her without too much trouble.

As for other learning experiences, I did find myself facing certain things about the past that I hadn’t really intended upon facing, and most of that concerned discussion of J, and what had happened with us.  I tried to be fair, but I’m certain that I came across a little more emotional that I had previously intended, but I am grateful that I handled much of what I’d needed to release without bursting into flames.

All in all, it was a good weekend.  I saw a great drag show (the Kinsey Sicks), had some long-awaited deliciously carthartic play with a dear friend, tasted some great booze (Jamison is my new ‘boyfriend’), and ran into a delightfully attractive transman who was a dead-ringer for Loki in the hotel elevator…who ended up being a very accomplished bootblack.  I was truly blessed to have received lovely service in hir chair (even if it was another situation wherein I found it difficult to completely ‘let go’ — I am grateful to have allowed myself an experience that I won’t be kicking myself for avoiding later. )

(Hail Loki, teacher of the painful and graceful lessons.)