My heart really hurts today; a physical pain.
Maybe I’m mis-reading it.
Maybe it is nothing more than a pulled muscle, or maybe even indigestion.
It could be a sort of indecision, or possibly, stress.
Either way, my heart hurts today.
Things have been tense.
I’m not sure if it is that things are moving forward, and I am fighting it, or if things aren’t moving at all, and I’m being stubborn, or subconsciously blocking the message/being willfully blind to seeing what I need to see.
I have felt this way before, and looking back on it, it was always when something in my life was out of whack and needed to be confronted.
My body manifests physical pain long before I notice the reasons why, long before I think about finding the root cause of it. I deal with it, thinking I’m being brave or strong or whathaveyou, and then, I start to realize:
“Shit, it seems like I’ve had a headache for weeks.”
“I can’t remember how long it has been that I’ve been feeling this ‘tightness’ in my neck/shoulders/chest/upper back,” as I consider yet another day, feeling keyed up and run down at the same time.
(Once I had a massage therapist tell me that it is as if I have a small knotty animal that lives in my upper back to the left of my spine, and ze needs a lot of vigorous prodding to unwind.)
And when I realize that I’m feeling pain — and can’t ignore it anymore — only then do I start to examine what I’ve been focusing on lately.
Usually, I find some sort of pattern of negativity, of worry, of doubt somewhere. I’ve had enough therapy in my life to learn how and when and where in my body that my emotional pain manifests itself physically.
In my head.
In my heart.