A life in threes

Month: July, 2015

Month for Loki, Day 19: Dance.

Let yourself be out of control.

Welcome the crumbling of the walls that you put up.

Wallow in that ecstasy.

Let go of all that you think that you are.

Let go of all that you thought that you were.

None of it works for you anymore.

Would you like to see yourself made new?

I’m here to break things down for you…

Dance with Me!

Month for Loki, Day 18: Another song.

Here is another song that I associate with Loki:

And, in case that it isn’t obvious, the rapped verses – performed by Del Tha Funkee Homosapien* – are the parts that certainly evoke Loki for me.

Here are the lyrics:

I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I’m useless but not for long
The future is coming on
I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I’m useless but not for long
The future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on

Yeah… Ha Ha!
Finally someone let me out of my cage
Now, time for me is nothing cause I’m counting no age
Now I couldn’t be there
Now you shouldn’t be scared
I’m good at repairs
And I’m under each snare
Bet you didn’t think so I command you to
Panoramic view
Look I’ll make it all manageable
Pick and choose
Sit and lose
All you different crews
Chicks and dudes
Who you think is really kickin’ tunes?
Picture you gettin’ down in a picture tube
Like you lit the fuse
You think it’s fictional?
Mystical? Maybe.
Hero who appears in you to clear your view when you’re too crazy
To those the definition for what life is
To you because I put you on the high shit
You like it?
Gun smokin’ righteous with one toke
You’re psychic among those
Possess you with one go

I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I’m useless but not for long
The future is coming on
I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I’m useless but not for long
The future (that’s right) is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on

The essence the basics
Without did you make it
Allow me to make this
Child-like in nature
You have it or you don’t that’s a fallacy
I’m in them
Every sprouting tree
Every child of peace
Every cloud and sea
You see with your eyes
I see destruction and demise (that’s right)
Corruption in disguise
From this fuckin’ enterprise
Now I’m sucked into your lies
Through Russel, not his muscles but percussion he provides
For me as a guide
Y’all can see me now ’cause you don’t see with your eye
You perceive with your mind
That’s the inner
So I’mma stick around with Russ and be a mentor
Bust a few rhymes so motherfuckers remember where the thought is
I brought all this
So you can survive when law is lawless (right here)
Feelings, sensations that you thought was dead
No squealing, remember that it’s all in your head

I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I’m useless but not for long
The future is coming on
I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I’m useless but not for long
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future




*No, no, no.  Not that Del – though, he is a rather clever individual in his own right 😉

Month for Loki, Day 17: Almost to the day.

Recently, I came to the conclusion that if I was going to keep blogging in this blog, I might as well make things official by – I dunno – purchasing myself a site name.

So I did.

And in preparation for that, I was moving files from one site to another, and I found myself reading over some old entries from July 2013 concerning some thoughts on polyamory and relationships.   And it strikes me as odd, perhaps even funny-odd, that I wrote a post in July 2013 on this very topic (polyamory and relationships) – almost 2 years to this day.

Here is the portion that I am referring to, written on July 24 2013:

So, I’ve been pondering a lot over the lessons that I have learned here.  

(scene missing!)

What followed there has been redacted.

Sufficed to say it was a lot of pondering on the importance of feeling valued, being seen, and some musing on the nature of our poly relationships.

There was discussion of love in relationships in terms of arithmetic : feeling diminished by others’ relationships versus feeling that love is expanded by sharing in a poly relationship.

But mostly what V and I talked about was how one particular relationship in his life wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be (his admission), and he may finally be seeing a person for who they really are.

And the question was asked: Can two people ever feel equally valued?

I think so.

And I brought up how I feel it in the Lokean community.

Yes – as it is in any community of people – there can be certain interpersonal issues that abound (such as lack of communication, and jealousy* sometimes rears its ugly head at times) — but in the end, there’s this:

Loki is a God.

And yes, that does mean that there is enough of Him to go around.

To that end, I realize that it is tremendously meaningful to me to find that community wherein I can share my joys and struggles with others who are His.

I am not diminished by the fact that He loves anyone else.

Maybe, it’s hearkening back to the polyamory discussion, but I love that He loves all of us.

I am gratified where-ever and when-ever He finds praise, and if nothing else, I am glad of any amount of love for Him.


 Jealousy can create a sense of feeling diminished, and some of the hardest shadow-work that I’ve ever had to do has to do with working through my feelings of jealousy.

Yes, even though I am polyamorous, I will admit that I have experienced feelings of jealousy at one point or another in every single one of my relationships with other human beings.

I have felt anger, pain, and fear in the process of my relationships, and boy howdy, don’t you know that He surely noticed that: **

And so, I pray to let go of my anger, and open to trust.

I pray to let go of my pain, and open to joy.

And I pray to let go of my fears, and open to love.

I repeat this prayer consistently.

I need to.

Perhaps I will not make it through this month for Loki writing brilliant posts that are liked by others every day, but I will do my best to show who I really am and that is someone who loves and trusts Loki to be what and Who He is.

And I realize, almost two years to the day that

His love for others does not diminish His love for me.

The roles that He seeks in others does not diminish my role to Him.

Other’s devotion to Him cannot diminish my devotion to Him.

If devotion is done out of love – and I would hope that it would be – love can only be multiplied rather than diminished.




**But, you know this post isn’t supposed to be how incredibly patient, loving and yet relentless He was in pointing out every.single.instance of my own hypocrisy/self-denial to me, through various and often slightly painful means.  Let’s just say, I got through that process with most of my sanity and the better part of my sense of self intact.  There’s a reason that one of the heiti with which I hail Him is ‘Relentless One’ ❤




Month for Loki, Day 16: Fortunate.


It has been one of those days.

So, I did what I was told

and I forced myself to ‘just chill’ and I did have a ‘low-key day’  😉


Hail Loki ❤

Here’s to ‘just chilling’ with You ❤

Month for Loki, Day 15: A Monstrous Manifesto (poetry)

Edited to add: Please note that this poem was not written by me; it was written by the extremely talented sc-fi fantasy author, Cat Valente.  

I had the pleasure of hearing Cat read this poem aloud at a sci-fi fantasy convention quite some time ago.

I’ve always loved this poem, and I thought it perhaps fitting to share with my readers today, as I found it again recently, saved within some of my old LiveJournal files from 2010.

This poem immediately struck me as appropriate in honor of one of Loki’s heiti, Father/Mother of Monsters ❤


If you are a monster, stand up.
If you are a monster, a trickster, a fiend,
If you’ve built a steam-powered wishing machine
If you have a secret, a dark past, a scheme,
If you kidnap maidens or dabble in dreams
Come stand by me.

If you have been broken, stand up.
If you have been broken, abandoned, alone
If you have been starving, a creature of bone
If you live in a tower, a dungeon, a throne
If you weep for wanting, to be held, to be known,
Come stand by me.

If you are a savage, stand up.
If you are a witch, a dark queen, a black knight,
If you are a mummer, a pixie, a sprite,
If you are a pirate, a tomcat, a wright,
If you swear by the moon and you fight the hard fight,
Come stand by me.

If you are a devil, stand up.
If you are a villain, a madman, a beast,
If you are a strowler, prowler, a priest,
If you are a dragon come sit at our feast,
For we all have stripes, and we all have horns,
We all have scales, tails, manes, claws and thorns
And here in the dark is where new worlds are born.
Come stand by me.

A poem by Cat Valente

11 October 2010

Month for Loki, Day 14: What if

What if…?

When an issue comes up where I get mired in my pessimistic tendencies, this has often been His message:




(quote by Erin Hanson)


Month for Loki, Day 13: More pieces that fell into place.

I was sketching Loki the other day, and it got me to thinking about how other aspects of Him were showing up in my life back when I was a kid, and yet how a lot of the pieces didn’t fall into place until 2012-2013 or so.

And I got to thinking about what I did after the SitD left (around age 9), and I was thinking about how I used to draw…a lot.  I briefly touched upon the subject of those drawings in a post on this blog back in early 2013, but I never wrote out my thoughts as I intended.

Here are those thoughts from my notebook…

(From 27 February 2013)

Something occurred to me this morning that I wanted to write about.

I had a brief visual/sensory upload – an unbidden visual/sensory upload while I was awake – of a man standing in front of me, holding my face in his hands. He is holding my face in his hands as if to make sure that I am making eye contact with him, and he is leaning forward, preparing to whisper into my left ear.

And this visual that I had made me wish that I could sketch out what I saw.  I mean, I can draw, but I am not so skilled that I can sketch things out as quickly or as deftly as I would like.  Rather I am more likely to get hung up on agonizing over every detail in my sketch so much so that I often lose the flow of the imagery and it fades quickly away before I’ve finished sketching it out.

So I was wishing that I could convey the shifting color of his eyes and the unshaven whiskers on his chin.  I wish that I could convey that I had looked down at his feet, and he was wearing dirty black canvas Chuck Taylors, with laces untied and loose.  He was wearing faded jeans, a t-shirt, and a shabby cotton overshirt.  I remember seeing the silver glint of an earring in his ear, and I noticed the way that his russet hair curled over the collar of his shirt, and how his hair turned a darker auburn toward the ends.  I remember noticing the smattering of freckles on the backs of his hands and along his fingers, and how his hands felt slightly calloused but pleasantly warm, holding my face.  I remember the trace of his grin, and the way that he slowly blinked and tilted his head, as those light-colored and impossibly bright eyes of his flickered with…satisfaction?  Relief? I’m not certain what word I am looking for but when I looked into his eyes, all I could think of was laughter and warmth and…home.

And I wish that I could have drawn that – the image of both my standing there with him and somehow standing outside of myself watching the exchange and the slow dawning of my recognition of who he was.

But I don’t have the skills.  I cannot sketch  this fast enough or well enough for you to see the vision as I saw it.

And I remembered.  I realize it now.  I am seeing a face that I have tried to draw before, and my heart skips a beat to think of it.  Can it be?

When I was younger — younger like 11 or 12 years old – I used to draw the face of a man that I did not know.  Or rather, he wasn’t anyone that solidly existed, that could easily be pinned down.  Sometimes I thought that I’d made him up, that he was simply an amalgam of pretty facial features — a young man with long, light-colored hair, with larger than average, strikingly bright-colored eyes, an aquiline nose, finely arched eyebrows, and a smile that I wasn’t sure if it was meant to be a flirtatious grin or a sarcastic smirk.   Most of the time I would draw him clean-shaven, but sometimes I would practice drawing facial hair  – usually a well-groomed goatee or a Van Dyke beard.  I’d always envisioned his ears being pierced (even though in the late 70’s/early 80’s, it was still considered rather bold and overly flamboyant for a man to have pierced ears, especially in the right ear…)

But nonetheless, this man had jewelry and his face was a mixture of traditionally masculine features (angular jaw, an Adam’s apple, whiskers/facial hair) and feminine features (long eyelashes, high cheekbones, thinly arched eyebrows).  He was, to put it mildly, a very pretty man, and I often drew him in either medieval clothing or casual, almost hippie style clothing.  I would always draw him into background settings, surrounded by woodlands, mountains or snow.

Over and over, I drew this man, thinking that someday I would fall in love with a man that had this face, or something close to it.  Sometimes I would find myself comparing someone’s chin or someone’s eyes or the color of their hair to this man’s face, this man’s features.  And I can tell you right now, that face, those features never changed.  No, this man had a particular face that I loved, but never could quite find in reality.   So I just kept drawing him, perfecting that face as it could be seen from a variety of angles, expressing a variety of moods.

My siblings used to tease me, that I was drawing my invisible friend.

Sometimes I would imagine him saying all sorts of clever, wonderful things to me, all the words that I’d hoped someday that somebody might say: what a friend, a lover, a confidante would say.  Sometimes I would write him into stories, and they were often stories about learning and doing various activities – things I hadn’t yet learned how to do, such as how to ride a horse, or swim, or climb a tree.  Sometimes I would walk in the woods, and I would imagine delightful, fantastic possibilities, almost visualizing that I might find him further along the path, sitting on a tree stump, or fishing in the river, or laying in the grass, watching the clouds.

I remember when I first experimented with smoking, oddly enough, it was easy to imagine that he smoked too.  He did seem to have this smoky, fragrant scent about him that was entirely his — though I could never draw his hands holding a cigarette very well (aside of the fact that hands are notoriously difficult to draw, especially hands holding things that cast light and shadow.)

I cannot deny that I drew him so often that it seemed as if I drew him into existence somehow.

He was not simply a masculine version of myself, unless he was perhaps a part of me that I wish that I could have been.

And for many years, I drew him just so I could see his face.

It hits me like a ton of bricks today to realize that whenever I draw Loki’s face, I am drawing him; I am drawing an old friend.

And whenever I visualize Loki, I realize that I am seeing him, the handsome face of my old friend.

And I never made that connection until today.


Hail to Loki, my sweetest friend ❤



A year or so after I wrote this notebook entry, I received a message from Him, that I suspect may have been intended to make me smile:

You didn’t make Me up; rather it is that I made *you* up. 



Month for Loki, Day 12: Song

This song comes up a lot on my playlist.

Don’t ask me why; it just does.

I don’t know so much about the message, but I certainly love their accents.


Hail to Loki, my Heart and Soul ❤


Month for Loki, Day 11: I love Your face.

In what has become sort of a tradition for this blog during the month of July, today’s post will be a Loki artwork post.

First up, is DeviantArtisan Toradh‘s piece, titled ‘Mr. L’:



When I first saw this, I immediately thought of Loki – and that is most likely because its subject does closely resemble how I’ve seen Loki a few times in the past.

As well, I have been known to refer to Himself as Mr. L — so you can imagine my surprise when I read Toradh’s description of this piece to discover that this was not intended to depict Loki at all, but rather a progressive metal/rock musician named Arjen Anthony Lucassen – and Toradh is a fan of his music.

So the fact that one of the main reasons that I was drawn to this piece was simply because of the ‘Mr. L’ title does strike me as an interesting coincidence 🙂

Meanwhile, this is actually how Toradh depicts Loki:


(See?  Not even remotely similar…but nonetheless, this is another piece of artwork that I love from Toradh as well, titled All the World Ablaze.)


Here is another piece from DeviantArt



According to the artist, tkpants, this piece — (oddly) titled  Pants ’09 —  *is intended to be Loki*

What I like most about this artwork is how the artist has conveyed that sly, side-long glance of His, the positioning of His hands, the tousled hair, and His sharp almost elven features.

(Whenever I doodle Loki’s face, the result is often inspired by this artwork particularly because this was likely one of the first images that I added to my DeviantArt folder of Loki art, and I am just as delighted and awed by its simplicity as I was three years ago when I joined DA.)

Speaking of inspirations, here is another piece of Loki artwork that I fell in love with back when I first went searching for more modern artistic renditions of Loki:


This is Loki’s Way by Piotr Cieslinski.

This!  Now this piece is so full of delightful details that I just can’t even…

I love that Loki is lighting a Lucky Strike cigarette.

I love Loki is depicted sporting a Mjölnir pendant.

I love the fact that He is carrying a teddy bear in His backpack.

I love how the runes are embossed on the silencer of the rifle.

I think it’s a sweet touch that He has  ‘I ❤ Norway’ pin on His jacket, even though the artist is Polish.

This artwork was commissioned for the initial cover for the first novel in a series of novels titled Klamca Loki, by Jakub Cwiek about 5 years ago.

While the book was considered a rather disappointing read by many reviewers, if one does a Google image search of Klamca Loki, one cannot help but notice that there is an amazingly wide variety of  Loki artwork inspired by this particular piece of Cieslinski’s, with Loki imagined as some sort of badass assassin with gorgeous rockstar hair dressed in black leather, motorcycle boots, and carrying lots of high-powered weaponry.

In that, much like Marvel’s Loki, I think this piece was the inspiration for a lot of the ‘Loki in black leather’ imagery that one can find on the Internet today.

And to be honest, much like Marvel!Loki, I don’t think that Loki minds at all that so many have become inspired to envision Him in that way either 😉


Hail to Loki – Trickster, God and Rock Star ❤





Month for Loki, Day 10: Faces of Loki

It is late.

I’m thinking about sleep.

Or rather, I’m trying to meditate.

Sometimes, they seem to be one and the same somehow.  Both states seem to begin when my thoughts start to feel hazy and my body feels…strange.

At the end of a particularly trying day, I simply have to look up and let it go.

Sometimes I will imagine His warm hands upon my head.  Someone once told me that He comes to me when I am sleeping because that is the only time that I’ll let my guard down completely.  Perhaps I am more open then.

Sometimes I decide that I must stop thinking about how the pillows are so soft and inviting;  how my head just sinks into them.

Truly, my favorite part of the day is resting with my head on those pillows and looking toward the altar by my bed, trying visualize His face, or admiring His handsome face with that wry smile, stitches and all, as depicted in the artwork on my altar.

Sometimes when I’m drifting off, I’ll see Him in my mind’s eye for a few moments.

Sometimes He’ll look like Viggo Mortensen, but with long red hair.

Sometimes, His hair is short and He looks like a cartoonish version of Himself with a simple face, bright green eyes, and impossibly red hair.

And still other times, He will look like someone I’d never expect – like Dave Grohl, Taylor Hawkins, or Ryan Gosling – and will have dark brown or blonde hair.

Sometimes He’ll even look like what one would imagine that a 11th century Viking warrior would look like – with a fur cloak and an embroidered shirt, leather britches and simple boots tied round with narrow strips of leather.  He’ll have braids in His hair and beard, and He’ll be wearing an arm ring and a dagger in His belt.

He is funny that way: He never looks like I would expect at the time.


But more often than not, I will just feel Him – light touches on my head, or on the side of my face, on the back of my neck, or on my tattoos.  I will sense the heaviness of His presence, or the surrounding air will feel charged with electricity.

Sometimes I will whisper to Him aloud, though most of the time, I will simply think inwardly what I am going to say.

Often, I fall asleep, chanting my words.

Sometimes I will call Him Beloved.

(Because He is.)

I will tell Him about my day, or I will simply ask that I would dream of Him, even though I rarely remember my dreams – so I’m not certain if or how often He has obliged me.