Month for Loki, Day 11: Separated.
Being still sick with this flu, I spent most of this day in an almost meditative haze.
As in, I meditated heavily upon my follow-up to this entry.
And this is what came up:
Who bows to whom?
We are both switches, you see.
But I don’t know if He is talking about the relationship between He and Odin
… or if He is talking about the relationship between Himself and me.
The first thing that came up in my email feed was this powerful video post from a blog I follow:
Gage Wallace: How We Have Learned to Love
and how the poet has allowed words to separate him – how words separate us all – from facing each other in love.
That post was followed within moments by Jolene Poseidonae’s post on how ‘the heart must go first. [and] The brain may follow’ **
What I took from these two posts was to mean was that I have allowed this little writing project of mine to limit myself in my words already.
I promised to write and yet I have allowed the words to separate Loki and I from each other.
He doesn’t really care what words I use, as long as I write the truth of the story.
And the truth of the story is difficult for me to admit to because it requires a certain amount of writing with an openness and eye towards vulnerability that I am not used to.
I have begged Him to take me deeper and yet it has been the words that have always separated us.
When I taught other kinksters about words as ordeal and how words can make thoughts manifest –
How with the use of words alone, one can create powerful connections!
I was also acutely aware of the concept that Gage Wallace speaks of concerning about how the distance between lovers can be created just as easily — created by the words on the tiny screen of an iPhone.
Words can bring together and words can separate. Names, titles, concepts, aspects….do they matter?
Well, it all matters just as much as it doesn’t matter, because words have a fluidity of meaning and power than is entirely dependent upon context and meaning.
We give words the power they have, and yet once they are said, or heard, their power becomes dependent upon others’ understanding of meaning and context.
Whether one is having a conversation or an argument, words are means by which access is given to thoughts, ideas, and feelings.
We connect with our words. We encourage with our words. We open up to others with our words.
But we can also wound with our words. We can shut down connection with words. We can separate ourselves from others with labels, titles, names, designations. We can lie, confuse, obfuscate meaning. We can hide behind our words.
Words can open and words can limit.
When Loki first came to me, almost from the beginning, I wanted to know Who He was.
And He wouldn’t tell me.
So I put words on Him:
Creature in the woods. A shadow being that pursued me over a dark, empty field in a series of haunting dreams.
But I realize that Loki encompasses all of these words…and yet, none of these words.
**I love that last line, by the way. It is a perfect description of where my devotional practice with Loki seems to be going this month. I was equally tempted to use those words as the title for today’s post.
I’ve been using some bad words in my relationship with HIm and maybe that’s why I’m disconnected and feeling rejected now. I wonder if I can undo the damage.
Reblogged this on Symbiosis and commented:
I keep seeing this concept over and over. I’ve been fighting with it, thinking, “come on, they’re just words, they don’t literally shape our circumstances”. Now I’m thinking differently. I’ve been depressed and feeling rejected and left out too long, and I think the things I’ve been saying when I talk to Him have something to do with it. Fear is our worst enemy. It can even manifest in our dreams and pretend to be something or someone it isn’t. It kills relationships. It kills self esteem. It can even kill oneself. I want to get out of this pattern of defeatism and like my last dream where the song repeated over and over “BELIEVE”. Maybe I can turn my relationship with HIm around if I can overcome my worst enemy – myself.