beanalreasa

July 27, 2015

Month for Loki, Day 27: Social

So you’re a social drinker, eh?

Well, I know what that means; if you’re going to have a drink, then so shall I.

-Peanut, renowned gadfly/theatre critic

~~~

If you have been following this blog for any length of time, you may have noticed that I am prone to social anxiety. It is not something that I am proud of, but it is something that often affects my daily life. As a result, I’ve developed many coping strategies and behaviors over the years. Some of them are outward physically noticeable coping mechanisms that serve to help me function better when I find myself in anxiety-inducing situations, while others are inward psychological behaviors and patterns of thought-processing that help me through difficult mentally stressful situations.

However, I try as much as I can to function as normally as possible, but on a bad day, I am likely to avoid social interaction altogether.

Sometimes this desire to avoid social interaction will carry on for several days.

At times like that, I would almost welcome the chance to avoid.

But lately, more and more, I’ve been thrust into situations that make me anxious, but I am left to find a way through somehow anyway. These situations present themselves, and I am caught having to deal with exactly the sort of social situation that I’d more than likely rather avoid.

Today was just such a day. I was informed this morning that two acquaintances of mine (whom I do not know very well at all) were planning on stopping by my home later in the afternoon. Of course, I stressed about this, and was on edge all morning. I’m almost ashamed to admit that I had been practically avoiding them socially for over a month, but things converged last night somehow, and it became obvious to me this morning that I didn’t have a good excuse to avoid them for very much longer.*

Besides, they were only planning to stop by for an hour or two.

I started to think that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.

So I buried myself in the activity of tidying up the house. I doubled up my dose on my anxiety meds (something I do with the OK of my physician, of course), and then I meditated and I exercised.

In short, I used every one of my physical coping strategies to prepare myself for that two hour window.

While I was out walking, I had an interesting moment of obvious pandoramancy, as this song came up twice in the music feed on my device:

Gods bless you, Frank Turner.

You seem to know exactly how I feel at times.

~~~

But then, you know what?

The situation with those visitors?

They never even showed up.

Perhaps tomorrow, they will…but I am ready to face them.

With a clean house and a clear, calm mind.

~~~

Hail Loki…for understanding the way I tend to be ❤

~~~

* There’s a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus, “Leave me the fuck alone” comes out as “Well, maybe. Sure. I guess I can see your point. – David Sedaris, A Friend in the Ghetto; from Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls

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July 26, 2015

Month for Loki, Day 26: Slacker.

It’s not as if I didn’t think about Loki today.

I just spent oh like maybe 2 or 3 hours talking about Him.

Otherwise, I was a slacker.

I promise that I will write a real entry tomorrow.

I swear ❤

July 25, 2015

Month for Loki, Day 25: Dodge.

[The previous post has been redacted]

I am just going to leave this here.

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July 25, 2015

Month for Loki, Day 24: Crafty.

Though I intended on posting about something else today, I spent a good portion of this evening trying a new weave while making friendship bracelets.

I’ve been wanting to do some new color schemes.

I’m really pleased with this one that I did while watching TV:

The funny thing is, once I untaped the bracelet from the board, it twisted up.

I think that the twist looked rather interesting – and I would have gladly kept it twisted – but it just wasn’t long enough to fit on my wrist (or ankle) as I intended it to do.

Perhaps I will iron it down tomorrow.

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July 23, 2015

Month for Loki, Day 23: And…He’s wonderful.

“He’s like fire and ice and rage.

He’s like the night, and the storm in the heart of the sun.

He’s ancient and forever.

He burns at the centre of time and he can see the turn of the universe.

And…He’s wonderful.”

-Tim Latimer, about the Doctor

Doctor Who, BBC series

Season 3, Episode 9: The Family of Blood

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July 23, 2015

Month for Loki, Day 22: Prayer beads.

Some time ago, I purchased some prayer beads from Fiberwytch on Etsy:

Though I’ve written before on how these prayer beads are one of my favorite devotional possessions, I’d like to point out as much as I loved them and I purchased them upon first sight, I hadn’t any knowledge of how to use prayer beads.

I was familiar – in theory – with rosary beads* due to my extended biological relatives being devout Roman Catholics – but it’s not as if I knew how to incorporate such an item into my devotional practices.

So, once I’d purchased them, I immediately began searching for ‘how-to’ information as well as a few appropriate prayers.

Most of what I’d found seemed tailored to use with larger lengths of beads counted off in specific order, similar to the rosary bead configurations. At first, I was confused by this, but then I realized that I just needed to adapt the structures a little.

Here is a portion of a lovely but much longer prayer that I found here.

The prayer, from which this portion is taken, was written by Elizabeth Vongsivith:

In the name of Loki, Shape-strong and wily Trickster, may I never take myself too seriously.

In the name of Angrboda, Chieftain and Hagia of the Iron Wood, may I value others for their knowledge and abilities.

In the name of Sigyn, Lady of Endurance, may I endure my own suffering without complaint.

In the name of Fenrir, great chained Wolf, may I have the strength to control my inner monsters.

In the name of Jormungand, mighty World-serpent, may I maintain appropriate boundaries.

In the name of Sleipnir, eight-legged son of Loki, may I carry my burdens with good will.

In the name of Narvi, eldest son of Sigyn and Loki, may I remember those who died unjustly.

In the name of Vali, youngest son of Sigyn and Loki, may I be an advocate for those who suffer unjustly.

In the name of Laufey, Lady of the Leafy Isle, may I remain mindful of the green growing things of forest and field.

In the name of Farbauti, Flaming Arrow, may my will to survive remain strong.

In the name of Surt, Lord of Muspellheim, may I show respect to those who stood in my place before me.

In the name of Utgard-Loki, wise and crafty Sorcerer-king, may I know when to speak and when to remain silent.

In the name of Gunnlod, fair-voiced Lady Under the Mountain, may I find beauty and contentment wherever I am.

In the name of Hyndla, Hagia of the Northern Mountains, may I see clearly into the bloodlines I walk.

In the name of Mengloth, Healer of Lyfja Mount, may I be aware when I cause pain to others.

In the name of Hati, Chaser of the Moon, may I accept my most unwelcome tasks.

In the name of Skoll, Pursuer of the Sun, may I find what joy I can in my most unwelcome tasks.

In the name of Mordgud, Guardian of Helheim’s gate, may I have discipline and self-respect.

In the name of Nidhogg, Gnawer at the World-tree’s roots, may I remember that there is no such place as “away.”

In the name of Hela, Goddess of the Dead, may I honor the beloved dead, revere the mighty dead, and have compassion for the forgotten and unknown dead.

~~~

As well, I have shorter prayers that I recite – such as this adaptation of a Enochian prayer by Sophie Reicher:

Teach me, oh my Gods, to have correct knowledge and understanding, for Your blessing is all that I desire. Speak Your words in my ear, oh Makers of all Things, and set Your wisdom in my heart

A shorter prayer like this feels appropriate at times (like now when it is 4 AM or so) and I cannot sleep, much less focus, and repetition is helpful to me.

~~~

* I am excited and must make a note of this, Galina Krasskova wrote a post on the Gods’ Mouths here, concerning that very thing that I had been looking for, concerning re-working the rosary prayers that she first became familiar with in childhood…and I was delighted to note that she references the above prayer in her post. ❤

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July 20, 2015

Month for Loki, Day 20: Sketch

*sigh*

Here’s a sketch that I’m working on that is kicking my ass:

Among other things, I have to fix His hair.

(And no, I don’t mean ‘fix His hair like a pretty pretty princess’ *sidelong glance*)

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July 19, 2015

Month for Loki, Day 19: Dance.

Let yourself be out of control.

Welcome the crumbling of the walls that you put up.

Wallow in that ecstasy.

Let go of all that you think that you are.

Let go of all that you thought that you were.

None of it works for you anymore.

Would you like to see yourself made new?

I’m here to break things down for you…

Dance with Me!

July 19, 2015

Month for Loki, Day 18: Another song.

Here is another song that I associate with Loki:

And, in case that it isn’t obvious, the rapped verses – performed by Del Tha Funkee Homosapien* – are the parts that certainly evoke Loki for me.

Here are the lyrics:

Yeah… Ha Ha!
Finally someone let me out of my cage
Now, time for me is nothing cause I’m counting no age
Now I couldn’t be there
Now you shouldn’t be scared
I’m good at repairs
And I’m under each snare
Intangible
Bet you didn’t think so I command you to
Panoramic view
Look I’ll make it all manageable
Pick and choose
Sit and lose
All you different crews
Chicks and dudes
Who you think is really kickin’ tunes?
Picture you gettin’ down in a picture tube
Like you lit the fuse
You think it’s fictional?
Mystical? Maybe.
Spiritual
Hero who appears in you to clear your view when you’re too crazy
Lifeless
To those the definition for what life is
Priceless
To you because I put you on the high shit
You like it?
Gun smokin’ righteous with one toke
You’re psychic among those
Possess you with one go

The essence the basics
Without did you make it
Allow me to make this
Child-like in nature
Rhythm
You have it or you don’t that’s a fallacy
I’m in them
Every sprouting tree
Every child of peace
Every cloud and sea
You see with your eyes
I see destruction and demise (that’s right)
Corruption in disguise
From this fuckin’ enterprise
Now I’m sucked into your lies
Through Russel, not his muscles but percussion he provides
For me as a guide
Y’all can see me now ’cause you don’t see with your eye
You perceive with your mind
That’s the inner
So I’mma stick around with Russ and be a mentor
Bust a few rhymes so motherfuckers remember where the thought is
I brought all this
So you can survive when law is lawless (right here)
Feelings, sensations that you thought was dead
No squealing, remember that it’s all in your head

I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I’m useless but not for long
The future is coming on
I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I’m useless but not for long
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future

~~~

*No, no, no. Not that Del – though, he is a rather clever individual in his own right 😉

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July 17, 2015

Month for Loki, Day 17: Almost to the day.

Recently, I came to the conclusion that if I was going to keep blogging in this blog, I might as well make things official by – I dunno – purchasing myself a site name.

So I did.

And in preparation for that, I was moving files from one site to another, and I found myself reading over some old entries from July 2013 concerning some thoughts on polyamory and relationships. And it strikes me as odd, perhaps even funny-odd, that I wrote a post in July 2013 on this very topic (polyamory and relationships) – almost 2 years to this day.

Here is the portion that I am referring to, written on July 24 2013:

So, I’ve been pondering a lot over the lessons that I have learned here.

(scene missing!)

What followed there has been redacted.

Sufficed to say it was a lot of pondering on the importance of feeling valued, being seen, and some musing on the nature of our poly relationships.

There was discussion of love in relationships in terms of arithmetic : feeling diminished by others’ relationships versus feeling that love is expanded by sharing in a poly relationship.

But mostly what V and I talked about was how one particular relationship in his life wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be (his admission), and he may finally be seeing a person for who they really are.

And the question was asked: Can two people ever feel equally valued?

I think so.

And I brought up how I feel it in the Lokean community.

Yes – as it is in any community of people – there can be certain interpersonal issues that abound (such as lack of communication, and jealousy* sometimes rears its ugly head at times) — but in the end, there’s this:

Loki is a God.

And yes, that does mean that there is enough of Him to go around.

To that end, I realize that it is tremendously meaningful to me to find that community wherein I can share my joys and struggles with others who are His.

I am not diminished by the fact that He loves anyone else.

Maybe, it’s hearkening back to the polyamory discussion, but I love that He loves all of us.

I am gratified where-ever and when-ever He finds praise, and if nothing else, I am glad of any amount of love for Him.

~~~

Jealousy can create a sense of feeling diminished, and some of the hardest shadow-work that I’ve ever had to do has to do with working through my feelings of jealousy.

Yes, even though I am polyamorous, I will admit that I have experienced feelings of jealousy at one point or another in every single one of my relationships with other human beings.

I have felt anger, pain, and fear in the process of my relationships, and boy howdy, don’t you know that He surely noticed that:

https://youtu.be/PDl6iuku_mw?t=131 **

And so, I pray to let go of my anger, and open to trust.

I pray to let go of my pain, and open to joy.

And I pray to let go of my fears, and open to love.

I repeat this prayer consistently.

I need to.

Perhaps I will not make it through this month for Loki writing brilliant posts that are liked by others every day, but I will do my best to show who I really am and that is someone who loves and trusts Loki to be what and Who He is.

And I realize, almost two years to the day that

His love for others does not diminish His love for me.

The roles that He seeks in others does not diminish my role to Him.

Other’s devotion to Him cannot diminish my devotion to Him.

If devotion is done out of love – and I would hope that it would be – love can only be multiplied rather than diminished.

**But, you know this post isn’t supposed to be how incredibly patient, loving and yet relentless He was in pointing out every.single.instance of my own hypocrisy/self-denial to me, through various and often slightly painful means. Let’s just say, I got through that process with most of my sanity and the better part of my sense of self intact. There’s a reason that one of the heiti with which I hail Him is ‘Relentless One’ ❤

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