It’s been quite an emotional rollercoaster for me today.
Relationship issues.
Devotional issues.
Devotional relationship issues. (Though in the interest of trying to remain positive hasn’t been all bad…it simply involves some work about which I’ve been hesitant to finish, and the overwhelming sense of being emotionally drained in doing it.)
Upside, I got a good walk in lovely cool weather. Downside, getting caught in a torrential downpour and now I feel generally achy.
Upside, I did enjoy a lovely text conversation with a dear friend today, and it meant so much to me…you don’t even know 🙂 Downside, none 🙂
I think that this is an apt song for today. Though its set in a minor key, the message strikes me as positive overall — which was so like the day itself:
I was in the car the other day, listening to music on an alternative rock station.
Then, the station cut to a little promotional blurb wherein Ben Gibbard, guitarist and vocalist for Death Cab for Cutie, gave the station ID for the top of the hour. These blurbs are often created to do the double duty of promoting the station and the band, as well as to make a convenient segue into the next song, which I presumed meant that it should be a Death Cab for Cutie song.
But I was feeling rather depressed, and since I have never been a fan of that band specifically due to the fact that their sound strikes me as rather depressing, I was poised to change the station.
But then this song came on:
I’d never heard this song before, but I was immediately delighted with it.
It didn’t sound to me like your typical Death Cab for Cutie song, and in that, I was pleasantly surprised.
Hm.
Not only was this a sweet moment of pandoramancy – since I had recently been feeling morbid over the recent news concerning the impending death of a beloved relative – it was perhaps a subtle reminder to keep an open mind and an open heart.
There were some posts that I’d meant to write that I never gotten around to actually finish writing much less posting, such as
* That much promised post on polyamory and jealousy that I’d left and come back to so often that its length has grown to over a dozen handwritten pages in my notebook. The other day, I joked with a friend that if I ever cut it down enough to post it in its entirety, I’m still going to title it TL;DR
* A post concerning reluctance, runes, and shadow work.
As well, there were posts that I finished writing but I could not bring myself to post for various reasons. These still sit in a digital folder on the hard drive, concerning:
* A particular example of how I often get pushed out of my comfort zones. This was also by request.
* A personal background post about a spiritual re- connection that I’d made in April 2008 that followed the near-death experience of a family member.
* A poem of heiti and slippery metaphors.
One could say that I didn’t intend to post about this, but when I consider the particular requests and topics with which I’d begun the month, this topic is cake* in comparison.
What I’m about to write about is loads more pleasant and easier to discuss that some of the other requests.
~~~
Speaking of requests, I have started working on a series of drawings which are intended preparation for a much bigger project.
I love to draw, and I have been getting a lot of sketching practice, mostly with charcoals, pencil, and ink.
I was content to just keep on with the pencil sketches. Patterns started developing with my sketching, and I even started putting aside the sketches that I was more than slightly pleased with to post on my DeviantArt account.
As you may have read in one of my earlier blog posts this month, I’ve long had a preference for drawing Loki. About a year ago, this began to extend towards drawing His family too – I started drawing Angrboda, Hela, Fenrir, Sigyn, and Sleipnir. Some of my better drawings of these can be seen on my DA account.
But then I started noticing some synchronicity in what was coming up whenever I was working on new face and body studies to draw.
I’m a pretty avid people-watcher, and I started seeing a lot of ‘odd couplings’ during my walks:
– I’ve had several sightings of a pair of construction workers – a much older man with a longish greying beard and a middle-aged redhead – working at the ever-increasing construction site that has sprung up two blocks from my home. (With the extension being added to an existing hospital, and a huge new entertainment complex being built all within a mile of my house, you can imagine that I may see a lot of construction workers, but still…)
– A large grey-black fluffy wolf-like dog being pursued by several children (which reminded me of this)
– A tall man walking along the sidewalk, who stopped me, and asked to pet my dog. He had the most interesting light brown eyes that I’d ever seen. His eyes appeared to be almost gold.
And then the dream-visual related to this song:
…which got me to thinking about Odin and Loki catching sight of each other on the huge plain at Vigrid where Ragnarok will be fought…
And I have been visualizing that scene every time I hear Schism ever since
And for some reason, this project, this vision is growing into more than a sketch.
Perhaps it will become a painting.
Not that I am well-versed in painting, but I’ll let you know how it goes.
Well, I know what that means; if you’re going to have a drink, then so shall I.
-Peanut, renowned gadfly/theatre critic
~~~
If you have been following this blog for any length of time, you may have noticed that I am prone to social anxiety. It is not something that I am proud of, but it is something that often affects my daily life. As a result, I’ve developed many coping strategies and behaviors over the years. Some of them are outward physically noticeable coping mechanisms that serve to help me function better when I find myself in anxiety-inducing situations, while others are inward psychological behaviors and patterns of thought-processing that help me through difficult mentally stressful situations.
However, I try as much as I can to function as normally as possible, but on a bad day, I am likely to avoid social interaction altogether.
Sometimes this desire to avoid social interaction will carry on for several days.
At times like that, I would almost welcome the chance to avoid.
But lately, more and more, I’ve been thrust into situations that make me anxious, but I am left to find a way through somehow anyway. These situations present themselves, and I am caught having to deal with exactly the sort of social situation that I’d more than likely rather avoid.
Today was just such a day. I was informed this morning that two acquaintances of mine (whom I do not know very well at all) were planning on stopping by my home later in the afternoon. Of course, I stressed about this, and was on edge all morning. I’m almost ashamed to admit that I had been practically avoiding them socially for over a month, but things converged last night somehow, and it became obvious to me this morning that I didn’t have a good excuse to avoid them for very much longer.*
Besides, they were only planning to stop by for an hour or two.
I started to think that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.
So I buried myself in the activity of tidying up the house. I doubled up my dose on my anxiety meds (something I do with the OK of my physician, of course), and then I meditated and I exercised.
In short, I used every one of my physical coping strategies to prepare myself for that two hour window.
While I was out walking, I had an interesting moment of obvious pandoramancy, as this song came up twice in the music feed on my device:
Gods bless you, Frank Turner.
You seem to know exactly how I feel at times.
~~~
But then, you know what?
The situation with those visitors?
They never even showed up.
Perhaps tomorrow, they will…but I am ready to face them.
With a clean house and a clear, calm mind.
~~~
Hail Loki…for understanding the way I tend to be ❤
~~~
* There’s a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus, “Leave me the fuck alone” comes out as “Well, maybe. Sure. I guess I can see your point. – David Sedaris, A Friend in the Ghetto; from Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls
And, in case that it isn’t obvious, the rapped verses – performed by Del Tha Funkee Homosapien* – are the parts that certainly evoke Loki for me.
Here are the lyrics:
I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I’m useless but not for long
The future is coming on
I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I’m useless but not for long
The future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
Yeah… Ha Ha! Finally someone let me out of my cage Now, time for me is nothing cause I’m counting no age Now I couldn’t be there Now you shouldn’t be scared I’m good at repairs And I’m under each snare Intangible Bet you didn’t think so I command you to Panoramic view Look I’ll make it all manageable Pick and choose Sit and lose All you different crews Chicks and dudes Who you think is really kickin’ tunes? Picture you gettin’ down in a picture tube Like you lit the fuse You think it’s fictional? Mystical? Maybe. Spiritual Hero who appears in you to clear your view when you’re too crazy Lifeless To those the definition for what life is Priceless To you because I put you on the high shit You like it? Gun smokin’ righteous with one toke You’re psychic among those Possess you with one go
I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I’m useless but not for long
The future is coming on
I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I’m useless but not for long
The future (that’s right) is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
The essence the basics Without did you make it Allow me to make this Child-like in nature Rhythm You have it or you don’t that’s a fallacy I’m in them Every sprouting tree Every child of peace Every cloud and sea You see with your eyes I see destruction and demise (that’s right) Corruption in disguise From this fuckin’ enterprise Now I’m sucked into your lies Through Russel, not his muscles but percussion he provides For me as a guide Y’all can see me now ’cause you don’t see with your eye You perceive with your mind That’s the inner So I’mma stick around with Russ and be a mentor Bust a few rhymes so motherfuckers remember where the thought is I brought all this So you can survive when law is lawless (right here) Feelings, sensations that you thought was dead No squealing, remember that it’s all in your head
I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I’m useless but not for long
The future is coming on
I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I’m useless but not for long
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future
~~~
*No, no, no. Not that Del – though, he is a rather clever individual in his own right 😉
The past few days have been so incredibly stressful/awful/what-have you.
This past Sunday being Mother’s Day did not help. (For some context on that, you can read some here.)
And again, I am aware that some of it is my own damned fault…and yet some of it is not.
But I am reminded that only I can change myself, and only I can change my attitude about what’s been happening.
I cannot change anyone else, nor can I change their attitude.
But nonetheless, whenever I have the sort of time that I have been having – a time which seems damned near insurmountable some days – I get this song as a reminder:
And following that, I usually get the Universal poke to the head from Him, thusly: