Month for Loki, Day 4: You don’t belong

by beanalreasa

You won’t belong.

You don’t belong.

This concept – of ‘belong’ – especially that of ‘not belonging’ — has been coming up recently for me in my latest shadow work.

What is most disconcerting to me is that some of the meaning of ‘belong’ seems primarily connected to my surname(s).

Legally, I’ve gone by two separate surnames in my life.   It is as you would expect:  I had a maiden name (M____), which I gave up in 1993, when I took on my (present) married name (D_____).

In May 2013, I reached the exact halfway point of the situation:  I realized that I had had each surname for 21 years each.   As well, that had meant that I had known my husband for exactly half of my life.

And due to some recent upheavals and changes, I am faced with considering this:  somehow, it doesn’t feel right for me to continue to ‘be a D_____’ (because of  divorce), but I feel reluctant to return to ‘being a M_____’, because, well…because I never felt like I belonged as a M_____, either.

~~~~~
As far back as I remember, there was a feeling of not belonging, of otherness.  Even though, at the surface of reason, my uneasy feelings seemed foolish: I know that my parents and siblings were my biological relations; I could plainly see them in my own facial features, behaviors, etc.

There was no other explanation.   Was there?

I can remember arguing the point with my parents.  For a while, I even thought it typical — what kid hasn’t secretly wished for that tantalizing possibility in a fit of dramatic anger – who hasn’t wished that hir parents weren’t really hir parents?

(Or maybe I was just simply what I was … a strange, sad child trying to make sense of strange, sad events.)

But still, there was that feeling that I could not place…just below the surface, a deep sense of unshakable unease, the stuff of fairy tales pulling at the edges of my consciousness.

You won’t belong.

You don’t belong.

 

So when the SITD came along and asked me to come with hir, I had dared hope, or perhaps thought, once or twice, that it might be  because I was being taken back to where I belonged/whom I belonged with.

And that concept – of being taken elsewhere — seemed equally terrifying and tantalizing to me.

~~~

The words you don’t belong / you won’t belong could also have these connotations:

 

Just the sound of it – you don’t belong here –

whispered in the night

whether I said it:

I don’t want to belong here  [be long here]’

 

or the SITD said it:

 

 

 ‘Don’t worry. You don’t  belong here

[because you belong with Me.]’

Or

You won’t be long here, but don’t worry…’

[because I am coming back to you.]
Either way, it’s stuff to think about.

~~~~

Hail to Himself,  Shadow in the Dark  ❤

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