bloodteethandflame

A life in threes

Tag: dreamspace

Month for Loki, Tenth: German lesson.

So, in case I hadn’t mentioned, I have been trying to learn German over the last six months.

Though as much as I have tried, according to the fluency paradigm of the application I’m using, I’ve only reached about 35% fluency and that supposedly corresponds to a vocabulary of approximately 800 words.

Only 800 words.*

In my waking life, I find myself translating simple phrases that I read or hear into German, as the program I use encourages this practice as it promotes intuitive learning.

Nonetheless, something odd has begun to occur: These basic German phrases have also begun to seep into my subconscious, as certain words and phrases have crept in during several of my daily meditations and have been popping up in a few of my dreams lately.

Thus, I was half-tempted to title this post:

Was sagt Er? (What does He say?)

Case in point, I had an intense meditation the other day, wherein this phrase kept echoing in my head:

Schauen sie mich an

(Look at me.)

Now that’s a phrase that I knew, as I’d been studying a unit on imperatives (ie; commands) last week, so I didn’t think much of it, and I mentally pushed it away, and continued to focus on my breathing.

However, that phrase continued to surface throughout my meditation, so I treated it as typical distracting mind-chatter, and I tried my best to accept that it was going to keep floating through my head for the duration.

But I found it difficult to focus after a while.

 

And then last night, I had a dream I was talking to a man in my dream – who had been speaking English -until suddenly he said:

Was wirst du mir beiten?**

Not once, but twice.

Now that immediately brought to mind the phrase I use to refer to Them – sie beiden – so I stopped, and began to examine the phrase itself, trying to translate it, wondering if I was hearing/understanding what I heard…

But thinking of ‘beiden’ made no sense:

Was wirst du mir beiden?

Which, off the top of my head, I was translating to mean: ‘What will you both to me?’

I was confused.

I said to the person, Was sagst du? (What are you saying?)

To which the person responded:

Wieso rennst du von mir?

Which I was pretty certain was

Why are you running from me?

O.o

~~~

* I feel a bit disappointed in myself, as a vocabulary of 800 words strikes me as being a rather small amount.  I would think that I would be more fluent after six months of study.

**  When I awoke this morning, I plugged the phrase ‘Was wirst du mir beiden?‘ into Google translate, it suggested that it was not ‘beiden‘ but ‘beiten‘ which is from the verb, ‘to offer’ – therefore, Was wirst du mir beiten? translates to ‘What will you offer me?’

 

 

 

Month for Loki, Day 29: Schism

Well, here we are, almost the end of July.

There were some posts that I’d meant to write that I never gotten around to actually finish writing much less posting, such as

* That much promised post on polyamory and jealousy that I’d left and come back to so often that its length has grown to over a dozen handwritten pages in my notebook.  The other day, I joked with a friend that if I ever cut it down enough to post it in its entirety, I’m still going to title it TL;DR

* A post concerning reluctance, runes, and shadow work.

and

*A requested follow-up concerning devotional tattoos.

As well, there were posts that I finished writing but I could not bring myself to post for various reasons.  These still sit in a digital folder on the hard drive, concerning:

* A particular example of how I often get pushed out of my comfort zones.  This was also by request.

* A personal background post about a spiritual re- connection that I’d made in April 2008 that followed the near-death experience of a family member.

* A poem of heiti and slippery metaphors.

One could say that I didn’t intend to post about this, but when I consider the particular requests and topics with which I’d begun the month, this topic is cake* in comparison.

What I’m about to write about is loads more pleasant and easier to discuss that some of the other requests.

~~~

Speaking of requests, I have started working on a series of drawings which are intended preparation for a much bigger project.

I love to draw, and I have been getting a lot of sketching practice, mostly with charcoals, pencil, and ink.

I was content to just keep on with the pencil sketches.  Patterns started developing with my sketching, and I even started putting aside the sketches that I was more than slightly pleased with to post on my DeviantArt account.

As you may have read in one of my earlier blog posts this month, I’ve long had a preference for drawing Loki.    About a year ago, this began to extend towards drawing His family too – I started drawing Angrboda, Hela, Fenrir, Sigyn,  and Sleipnir.  Some of my better drawings of these can be seen on my DA account.

But then I started noticing some synchronicity in what was coming up whenever I was working on new face and body studies to draw.

I’m a pretty avid people-watcher, and I started seeing a lot of ‘odd couplings’ during my walks:

– I’ve had several sightings of a pair of construction workers –  a much older man with a longish greying beard and a middle-aged redhead – working at the ever-increasing construction site that has sprung up two blocks from my home. (With the extension being added to an existing hospital, and a huge new entertainment complex being built all within a mile of my house, you can imagine that I may see a lot of construction workers, but still…)

– A large grey-black fluffy wolf-like dog being pursued by several children (which reminded me of this)

childreleasesfenrir

(above comic created by JellyVampire on DeviantArt.)

– A tall man walking along the sidewalk, who stopped me, and asked to pet my dog.  He had the most interesting light brown eyes that I’d ever seen.  His eyes appeared to be almost gold.

And then the dream-visual related to this song:

…which got me to thinking about Odin and Loki catching sight of each other on the huge plain at Vigrid where Ragnarok will be fought…

And I have been visualizing that scene every time I hear Schism ever since

And for some reason, this project, this vision is growing into more than a sketch.

Perhaps it will become a painting.

Not that I am well-versed in painting, but I’ll let you know how it goes.

Hela

I am getting the nudge to create two new altars.

One of them is going to be for various things that I am doing regarding ancestors, and perhaps other aspects of death-work, so I ordered a lovely ritual cord from Beth at Fiberwytch on Etsy.

It arrived in the mail the other day, and I cannot say enough how lovely it is.

(While I’m not usually one who is able to sense such things, I will admit that as soon as I held it in my hands, I could sense that this cord was definitely created with skill and powerful intent.  The essential oils that she used creating it also seemed to strike me as… incredibly mentally stimulating.   She does wonderful work.)

So I set to work on creating the altar space, and I went looking for some other helpful objects.

Like artwork.

You see, I like to have at least one piece of artwork on each of my altars to serve as a focal point for myself, since I sometimes need something to look at in order to focus.

 

But I was having difficulty finding any artwork of Hela that I liked.

 

 

And then this morning, as it sometimes happens, I had a short but rather intense dream…about Hela.

 

As soon as I awoke this morning, I felt the urgent need to sketch Her myself:

 

Hela

 

I’m not certain if I really want to fully color it, though I wanted to remember the sharp yellow color of that eye, as I could not seem to bring myself to look away from it.

That seemed to be the focal point of Her face in the dream, unfortunately, and I felt as if I was being rude for staring.

The yellow isn’t well-conveyed here as I realized too late how muddied it would get in being smudged beside the charcoal pencil lines.

 

Month for Loki, Day 10: A Dream

I had a dream wherein He spoke to me and said that there were three things that I should work on…
And then I had another dream that got in the way of the memory of the first dream.

~~~

That second dream – the one that got in the way of my memory – was about taking V to court in Plainsville, NY (but I think that it was supposed to be Plattsville)…and we had an older daughter who was kinda difficult to handle because she was so angry, and I couldn’t get her to calm down.

But she was there because she had testified in my favor, and the judge ended up siding with me.

I don’t know what that meant.

~~~
But the first dream, Loki talked with me, but I could not remember what I was supposed to work on.
So when I awoke, K told me that He told zir to tell me that I should work on:

Trust, loyalty…. and forgetting.
But K wouldn’t say what that was in regards to.

Stay loyal to what?

Forget about what?

K said that zie was told that I could figure it out.

~~~
And then I remembered something:  Loyalty had something to do with the poly thing: that I should stop the behavior of having sex with certain people.

He said that He wanted to choose, and it showed a disrespect of Him or lack of loyalty to Him, to have situations with certain people.

And I remember Him showing me, in images rather than words, to whom He was referring.

He was saddened by something in my behavior, similar to some dreams I’d had before wherein He would say that I knew how to listen and/or do, but that I just didn’t want to.
That made me sad, too.
And the forgetting concerns the past, of letting the past go… of not letting the past keep me from moving forward towards what is changing.

 

You are changing, He said, and I am pleased with you.  Don’t stop.  Don’t relent.

 

I know what that means.

 

But I am anxious.

 

I know what He is talking about.

Month for Loki, Day 5: Facing Anger

Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don’t know what work these conditions are doing inside you? Why do you want to persecute yourself with the question of where all this is coming from and where it is going? Since you know, after all, that you are in the midst of transitions and you wished for nothing so much as to change. If there is anything unhealthy in your reactions, just bear in mind that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself from what is alien; so one must simply help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and to break out with it, since that is the way it gets better.” 

― Rainer Maria RilkeLetters to a Young Poet

~~~

I had a strange dream about a crazy, angry zombie-like woman living in my house (which was like a dormitory with many rooms).

She was in a specific room.

And in the strange dream-logic, I remembered that I had met her once before.

I realized that I was afraid of her, and she knew it.

She seemed to feed on that fear of mine, and she relentlessly pursued me. (She carried a large machete-like weapon).

 

I tried to avoid her….

 

 

….but the rituals of my avoidance of her were so ridiculously time-consuming.

 

I hadn’t time for anything else.  I was losing so much time every day.

 

I felt so much shame.   I felt so much embarrassment.

 

I just wanted it to be over.

 

I was tired.

 

But once I had resolved to find her and face her, she was very difficult to find.

 

I kept returning to the room where she was, but she was not there.

~~~~

K and I had an interesting conversation, within in the dream, about how she could be found, and about what must be done when one does.
It was hir belief that you must take her weapon from her by force; meanwhile, I was adamant that I might convince her to put it down/give it up.

Was this a battle between Force vs. Reason?

But then, another spoke to me: She will not be convinced; she is too angry.   She will not listen to reason.  You must find another way.

~~~~

And that made me think of that Louise Bogan poem, titled [maybe not-so-ironically]

The Dream:

O God, in the dream the terrible horse began
To paw at the air, and make for me with his blows,
Fear kept for thirty-five years poured through his mane,
And retribution equally old, or nearly, breathed through his nose. 

Coward complete, I lay and wept on the ground
When some strong creature appeared, and leapt for the rein.
Another woman, as I lay half in a swound
Leapt in the air, and clutched at the leather and chain. 

Give him, she said, something of yours as a charm.
Throw him, she said, some poor thing you alone claim.
No, no, I cried, he hates me; he is out for harm,
And whether I yield or not, it is all the same. 

But, like a lion in a legend, when I flung the glove
Pulled from my sweating, my cold right hand;
The terrible beast, that no one may understand,
Came to my side, and put down his head in love.

 

~~~~

 

Suddenly, I had an idea.

In the very room where this crazy, angry zombie-like woman lived, there was a door that opened to the outdoors…to sky, grass, trees…to the outside.

halfdoor1

It was a Dutch half-door, of inlaid exotic wood, laid in an interesting pattern of X’s and W’s.

The top-half of the door was open, but the bottom half remained closed, perhaps locked.

It hadn’t a doorknob that could be worked from the inside, but in studying the area where a doorknob would be from the out-side, there seemed to be an elaborate puzzle of turning latches that hid tumblers that slid smoothly into the door-frame.

Suddenly it occurred to me that if this woman were anything like the way I am when I am angry — no, blindly enraged —  a latch like this would prove too complex a situation to ever hope to overcome.

Her mind would just be too clouded.   Had she given up?

How frustrated she must feel, I thought, to never have been able to open this door.

~

~

~

Suddenly, I realized that that was the answer.

And so, I resolved and I focused and I opened it

 

for her

 

for me

 

and

 

 

I left

 

 

it

 

 

open.

~~~

Hail Loki, Opener of the Way!

 

 

 

 

 

Month for Loki, Day 4: You don’t belong

You won’t belong.

You don’t belong.

This concept – of ‘belong’ – especially that of ‘not belonging’ — has been coming up recently for me in my latest shadow work.

What is most disconcerting to me is that some of the meaning of ‘belong’ seems primarily connected to my surname(s).

Legally, I’ve gone by two separate surnames in my life.   It is as you would expect:  I had a maiden name (M____), which I gave up in 1993, when I took on my (present) married name (D_____).

In May 2013, I reached the exact halfway point of the situation:  I realized that I had had each surname for 21 years each.   As well, that had meant that I had known my husband for exactly half of my life.

And due to some recent upheavals and changes, I am faced with considering this:  somehow, it doesn’t feel right for me to continue to ‘be a D_____’ (because of  divorce), but I feel reluctant to return to ‘being a M_____’, because, well…because I never felt like I belonged as a M_____, either.

~~~~~
As far back as I remember, there was a feeling of not belonging, of otherness.  Even though, at the surface of reason, my uneasy feelings seemed foolish: I know that my parents and siblings were my biological relations; I could plainly see them in my own facial features, behaviors, etc.

There was no other explanation.   Was there?

I can remember arguing the point with my parents.  For a while, I even thought it typical — what kid hasn’t secretly wished for that tantalizing possibility in a fit of dramatic anger – who hasn’t wished that hir parents weren’t really hir parents?

(Or maybe I was just simply what I was … a strange, sad child trying to make sense of strange, sad events.)

But still, there was that feeling that I could not place…just below the surface, a deep sense of unshakable unease, the stuff of fairy tales pulling at the edges of my consciousness.

You won’t belong.

You don’t belong.

 

So when the SITD came along and asked me to come with hir, I had dared hope, or perhaps thought, once or twice, that it might be  because I was being taken back to where I belonged/whom I belonged with.

And that concept – of being taken elsewhere — seemed equally terrifying and tantalizing to me.

~~~

The words you don’t belong / you won’t belong could also have these connotations:

 

Just the sound of it – you don’t belong here –

whispered in the night

whether I said it:

I don’t want to belong here  [be long here]’

 

or the SITD said it:

 

 

 ‘Don’t worry. You don’t  belong here

[because you belong with Me.]’

Or

You won’t be long here, but don’t worry…’

[because I am coming back to you.]
Either way, it’s stuff to think about.

~~~~

Hail to Himself,  Shadow in the Dark  ❤

Amicule deliciae num is sum qui mentiar tibi?

So I was close to grasping the meaning of my dream that I had the other night…

Now I’m pretty sure that I know what the ferryman in that dream was saying.

Do you know what that Latin quote means?

It means

‘ Baby, sweetheart, would I lie to you?’

All I can say is this:

 I know who the ferry man is referring to, and it isn’t himself, of course.

Another case of ‘I see what you did there.’

and using sarcasm about lying to point me to the truth.