Joy, and derailment.
A derailment is said to take place when a vehicle (for example a train) runs off its rails. This does not necessarily mean that it leaves its track. Although many derailments are minor, all result in temporary disruption of the proper operation of the railway system, and they are potentially seriously hazardous to human health and safety. Usually, the derailment of a train can be caused by a collision with another object, the mechanical failure of tracks, such as broken rails, or the mechanical failure of the wheels.
In psychiatry, derailment is a thought disorder characterized by discourse consisting of a sequence of unrelated or only remotely related ideas. The frame of reference often changes from one sentence to the next.
In a mild manifestation, [this] is characterized by slippage of ideas further and further from the point of a discussion. Some of the synonyms given… are used by some authors to refer just to a loss of goal: discourse that sets off on a particular idea, wanders off and never returns to it. In some studies on creativity…it describes a similarly loose association of ideas, [but] it is not considered a mental disorder, or the hallmark of one; it is sometimes used as a synonym for lateral thinking.
From Thursday, 18 February 2015:
I was feeling good. I really was.
I was feeling as if a fog had lifted. I was feeling that I was being seen and understood. Things were good.
And then my friend, Phil called, wanting to talk. Phil said that he had been concerned about me and he simply wanted to ‘check in’ with me.
We ended up getting in an argument over the historical accuracy of the show Vikings.
Now I must wonder if Phil might not be as aware of my spirituality as I had assumed. While I’d thought that Phil was somewhat aware of the fact that I am a polytheist and a Pagan, it occurs to me that he might not given it much thought beyond that. He was flippant and downright condescending towards the spiritual beliefs and culture of pre-Christian societies, including the Vikings.
(I cannot seem to think of the concept that I’m trying to convey here – the belief that one’s ancestors weren’t as intelligent or spiritually developed as those living in the modern age. Edited to add: Urdummheit. The concept is called Urdummheit.)
He made several comments about the Eddas as ‘being a stupid bunch of poems,’ and that ‘the Havamal is a poem that has no basis in reality’ when I pointed out the cultural relevance of both in giving insight to Viking society. When I brought up Tacitus- since he was trying to make his point that his belief is that there is no historical record of Vikings being anything beyond what he was saying that they were – that is precisely where our conversation truly degenerated into something that was more contradiction than intellectual discussion.
We were talking about history, and the next thing you know, we were getting defensive with each other about the legitimacy of each other’s opinions.
And it disturbs me when that happens. Initially, I’d felt the need to defend my point, but then I realized that I’d lost all patience to do so.
I haven’t any patience to educate you on my opinions today.
In an attempt to cheer myself up and focus on things more positive, I thought about my upcoming flight to Atlanta to visit another friend over the weekend of March 6th-8th.
Earlier in the day, my friend had texted me concerning my plans.
I allowed myself to feel good when I read about how excited and pleased she was for the opportunity to see me, as we hadn’t seen each other in several years.
When I realized that I had missed some of her recent responses, due to my being on the phone with Phil, I returned her call.
And she didn’t answer.
I had to remind myself that it was OK. I had to remind myself that I was just feeling defensive and put off energetically by my phone call with Phil.
He asks me what is wrong. I can’t even articulate it.
A friend posted something today – and I responded to it, but I probably should not have.
It dealt with something that I could relate to that Loki had said, about joy being one of the only things that impresses Him; the sense of presence, the joy of being in the moment is all He’d ever seek. How He seeks energy, energetic presence that is pure, unadulterated by shame or guilt or guile.
This reminds me of the words that He has often said to me:
Just feel. Just be.
Do you know what you are?
You are light. You are energy. You are electricity. You are fire in a bottle, contained.
But, as is a human habit, I get hung up in negativity, in conceits, in an inability to see the opportunity, to allow myself the experience of the raw joy of being.
We squander it, I suppose, spending all of our time in making comparisons and in competition with each other rather than feeling compersion, or allowing ourselves connection.
Maybe that is the lesson.
If I am ever going to love him
I should just love him
and stop thinking of how I could do it better
or more profoundly
or whatever –
and just love him
Just letting the light of what I am –just letting that love flow out of me.
Just be. Just love.
It sounds woo-hippy-crazy, I know.
But I don’t care.
It’s difficult – but probably not nearly as difficult as I am making it out to be.
Let go of fear and open to love.